Aegoromantic-ish romantic attraction or alterous attraction?

[lotusflower]

I cant tell if im greyromantic or aromantic w/ alterous attraction.

I basically wanted to be their #1 fav person, but not in a romantic way, I guess. Looking back, a QPR would have been better. But I did had romantic fantasies abt them, but I always changed the appearance of "me" into the appearance of a character I knew on TV. As well w/ my "crush's" appearance. When I actually imagined myself and them, it became really repulsive even in just a "in theory" setting. It felt wrong. I just couldnt picture it anymore. All the activities became strictly platonic. I also didnt experienced sensual/aesthetic or sexual attraction towards them.

I only knew them online and I guess that made it easier to develop this type of attraction as I never had to worry abt becoming a real thing because 1) I wouldnt be able to date them IRL 2) they didnt liked me back. So yea, the moment is became too realistic, it felt weird. 

Is this some weird aegoromantic attraction (not being able to picture my actual self in the fantasy while it still being romo attraction) or just alterous?

[AromanticAardvark]

I think it doesn't have to be one or the other? It sounds to me pretty aegoromantic-attraction, but the definition of alterous attraction is "attraction and desire for an emotional closeness with a person that exists inbetween romantic and platonic feelings" (according to https://aromantic.fandom.com/wiki/Alterous_Attraction) which can totally include what you're talking about

[the more the merrier]

2 hours ago, AromanticAardvark said:

I think it doesn't have to be one or the other?

This!

Hi @lotusflower! If the urge to find certainty is particularly strong for you, perhaps you’re consciously thinking about this a lot, when it might also help, even if it feels counter-intuitive, to endeavour to let go of this quest for a moment, and to let it bubble away in the back of your mind. This way, we can let our subconscious mull over something that puzzles us, whilst we’re absorbed in an activity or on a walk, creating a sweet scenario for the possibility and occurrence of breakthroughs.

As a specific example, you could pose something like this to yourself: “I’m going to work on the hypothesis that my experiences align with being grey-aro” and let this pre-theory rest for a week, or a month, or so. Within this time, let yourself be immersed in favoured activities, and see if your mind naturally presents any evidence in support or contrary to this, whilst you’re focused on something else. Let's let ourselves be, and gently observe what we may find.