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Am I actually aro, or? I'm confused.


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Me: M, aromantic(?), ace
Them: NB, panromantic, sex-repulsed graysexual

I've identified as ace since I was quite young and that hasn't changed, but I wasn't sure about my romantic orientation. I just never had any interest in and never dated anyone.

A little over a year ago, one of my good friends asked to become a couple, so I figured I would give it a shot. Early on I noticed they had a bit of a "fluttery" mood they would go into which I could not relate to, but I'm used to others having a greater emotional range than me. After a year in, I'm coming to terms that I identify and relate most with the aro experience, but at the same time, I really do care about my partner and want to keep them in my life. I don't think my feelings towards them are any less real, but they are more like we are very good friends. We haven't been intimate in any way because of our orientations and I'm not okay with kissing. I honestly can't feel where the boundary is between how I feel about them or any of my other good friends. I wonder if this is a normal thing for romantic people, but it doesn't seem like it from what I've heard and been told.

So far my partner actually seems very pleased with me and often says they are thankful to have me. So I guess I'm not disappointing them by just being myself. They already know that my perspective on a lot of relationship stuff and emotional experience can be quite unusual, and they are very accepting even when they don't understand. I still worry that they would feel very hurt if I told them I was aro. It would basically be saying "The way you feel about me? Yeah. I don't feel that way back.", and I don't know how upsetting that would be. Maybe I'm not even ace, just confused. I can see myself continuing to date them and be happy. I don't desire to break up. 

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It's possible to be aro and still have/desire close, committed relationships; a good amount of QPRs would fall into that category. I can't tell you whether or not you're aro, but you describe does sound different than what alloro people experience.

I do think you should tell them though. Keeping it from them will make things hurt more in the long run. If they're already happy in the relationship, they might be open to a mixed alloro-aro relationship or a QPR.

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