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Am I Aro-spec?


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A common thing most aros experience is not having crushes. I can't say I have had one but I also can't say I haven't and it's quite tricky and confusing for me. If anyone is familiar with mall crushes or airport crushes, it's always been mainly that. I basically find people aesthetically attractive. They look nice, or I really like their outfit, etc. but I only see them at least once in my life so it's basically nothing. But then we get to school crushes (which we apparently call happy crushes where I'm from), I basically just know I find some people attractive but not in a sense of they're hot or anything like that. I've definitely never seen myself wanting to be in a relationship with them whatsoever, in fact sometimes I would even weigh out why I dislike them. I knew I like how they looked, cause they were generally what is said to be attractive, but at the same time I wouldn't want to date them whatsoever. Most of the people that I have found this way and have gotten close to, I had casual conversations with. No flirting or romance involved and I didn't really want it to get anywhere. When it died down I really didn't care, and eventually I also didn't have that same liking for them as before. Those I didn't get close to I either forget about or have the rare chance of just the constant "I wonder what they look like now" but still no image of wanting to get with them at all. If I try imagining myself with a specific person in any romantic scenarios - cuddling, kissing, holding hands (though rarely) - it feels really uncomfortable and it feels as though I have to force myself to even imagine it. At the same time, I do still have a desire for other "romantic" gestures, not necessarily kissing or cuddling (these I'm really uncomfortable with). I'm not one with the keenest desires for a relationship, heck a QPR sounds really nice as I research it, but I do still consider myself a romantic, which is, by internet definition: a person who often takes an idealized or old fashioned view towards love or who acts in a manner traditionally thought of as courting or wooing a significant other.

For us, crushes were told to be someone you idolize, which is why it's easier for me to also get celebrity crushes, which is also how I usually treat those normal crushes (either there's some form of infatuation but I don't exactly like them in the way that I would want to date them, or I know they look nice or cool then forget about them after a while). At the same time, I use the excuse that I'm too young to even be in a relationship (though most peers are definitely seeking to date, are dating or in a relationship at this stage of life), or I convince myself I have a crush on someone to the point of being confused whether I've actually had feelings or I just gaslit myself to like someone. I can definitely say, I do crave for a relationship whenever I see it but the cause is more on the they look happy sort of thing (for the most part). I find most cheesy and romantic stuff disgusting though, so I think it's more of the companionship that I crave for. 

With that being said, my whole crushes dilemma is one of the main things that has made me confused whether I am or am not Aromantic or somewhere on its spectrum. It's been a hell of a torment thinking about it but that's the best way to word the situation I am having.

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