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Feeling left out


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Hello !

I recently realised that I was aro.

Here's my concern. I have 2 very close friends: A and B. A is your typical cliché romantic girl friend who has always wanted to become married one day. B is more laid back and wasn't really interested in dating until recently.

A is dating her current partner since a few years now. It has always been kinda difficult for B and I to meet new people because we are pretty awkward (I personaly have social anxiety). So A tries to not force her partner on us even if she would love to hang out all together (basically she hangs out either with her partner or us, but never with the three of us at the same time... Idk if I make any sense here or not haha).

A few months ago, B began dating someone. Since then, I noticed that A and B started to hang out together way more without me. They often go on double dates, so I feel pretty much left out. I know it would be very awkward for me to be here between 2 couples, but I feel like I am drifting appart from them because I can't relate to their relationships... I feel like if I am not in a relationship, I'll never be able to fit in because I "lack" something...

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That sucks, I can understand you feel left out because, well, you are being left out here. Your friends are probably not aware they are hurting you though. Friend A has been keeping her partner away from B and you, so now that friend B has a partner friend A is likely overjoyed that she can ‘share the joy’. Completely missing that this is pushing you away.

My advice would be to talk to them both and explain that you feel left out. If you feel comfortable talking about you being aro you can bring it up, but if you are not ready for that conversation that is ok. Just tell them you feel like you suddenly need a partner too to be friends together and you do not want that.

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Both of my best friends have been dating each other for about 3-4 years now. Believe me when I say I completely get what you're going through. Before they started dating each other, the three of us hung out together all the time and I never felt out of the loop or ignored. As soon as they started dating, they hung out much more and spent more time together, and I suddenly felt like I was missing huge important chunks. Even now it still feels like I'm just kind of awkwardly standing in the middle of their relationship.

It really sucks being left out, especially since they're your closest friends and you likely spend most of your time with them. For me, I really just started branching out to find different people to give my time to since I could no longer depend on them to be the net I fell into. It was really weird at first, especially since the only people I ever confided in and really trusted were the two of them, but eventually it really started to help out and I feel much better than when they were the only people I depended on. I started to feel less lonely, my mental health got a little better, and I didn't have to really give up my friendships with them.

Talking with them about how you're feeling is a great start, but keep in mind that they will value their romantic relationships first. It really sucks, but the majority of people see romantic partners as an end goal and friendships as something they pick up on the side. That's something I've had to come to terms with over the years. You may be luckier than me and you three might find some sort of balance that makes all of you happy, but you're not going to get an idea of what the situation could be unless you talk to them first. Another thing, please don't take them spending time with their partners as them not caring for you. Personally, I've never experienced romantic attraction, but from what I understand from my friends describing it, it's very intimate and intense. They do care about you and want to be your friend, but they can easily get caught up in those intimate relationships and deep feelings and accidentally overlook you. My advice is not to let them overlook you and make your feelings about the recent distance between the three of you known.

I don't have a clear answer as to what you should do, but I hope you can look at my experiences and try and think about you think would be best for you and your friends. Whatever happens, I hope the three of you stay close and that you end up in a good situation.

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