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Aromantic or just incredibly scared of intimacy and confused?




So, I‘m not sure how to say what I want to say (and also I’m german, so sorry for any misspellings)
I’m 21 and I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve never had sex and the two times I’ve kissed guys was when I was drunk in a club.
I actually love reading romance books and I love to imagine all romance related stuff. And when I think about it in this idealized way, I do want a relationship. But as soon as I imagine it being real, with an actual guy, I feel so incredibly uncomfortbale. Like just the concept of cuddling??? It's just so intimate??? It just feels weird.
I’m not sure if I had crushes before – sometimes I think I was just flattered by their attention… but then I also remember that I was so insecure and I was sure these guys didn’t even like me like that, so I made me stop liking them – I would just tell myself that I don’t have a chance and that I didn’t want to get hurt, so I would just be sad for a week (but more about myself and not about them if that makes sense) and then it would stop. I never had a crush that lasted more than 3 weeks, and like I said, maybe I was just flattered that they talked to me? And even if they didn’t talk to me, I would get bored of everything after three weeks and move on... I was pretty insecure in generel and I think I’ve become more confident this last year, but if I’m being honest I feel an incredible pressure to have sex and I kind of just want to get it done, to stop this feeling, but other times I also really want it, because I want sex? (but just in a physical sense not in an emotional way) But also not really with an actual real person? I don’t know. 

I also think it has incredibly much to do with my hormones and pms… because sometimes I do want a boyfriend, but like this idealized version? And sometimes I just want to be alone forever. And maybe the idea of a friends with benefits situation sounds better to me, but I need my first time to be with someone I trust. And I don't even want to think about telling that person that I'm still a virgin.

Anyway, the point is, most of the time I think I’m just incredibly scared of intimacy, but then other times I can’t even imagine falling in love with someone in real life (but I do idealize relationships and I do want this idealized boyfriend).
Is that because I haven’t met the right person or are my standards too high? I never thought that I could be aromantic (because I do love love) but then I heard that there are aros who are 'romance positive'? I don’t know, I‘m just confused and annoyed and it’s late at night and I’m rambling. And this is anonymous so whatever… Thinking about labeling myself as aromantic makes me feel relieved… but I don’t know if that is because this label would be an excuse for me and everyone else for never having a relationship?

Thank you if you have read this far:)


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Hi hi
Sooo. I felt similarly, a few years back. I thought romance and sex were things I wanted, eventually. Like, "well, I'm in no hurry to date, but if something happens, that's fine". So for a long, long time I either thought I was alloromantic/allosexual (not aro or ace), and I identified as being demirose (demiromantic and demisexual at the same time) for a couple years.
Flash forward to maybe 4 or 5 months ago. One of my friends got us similar stuffed animals. Then, he pulled me aside and offered me a relationship. I turned him down, saying I'm not really interested in.... anyone, really. (Thankfully he took it really well, and we're still friends, even if it was awkward for a while after.) And that spurred me to think.... maybe I don't actually want a relationship, or sex, after all. Plus I kept having thoughts of doing romance-coded or sexual-coded stuff with him, and just being incredibly turned off by the thought. And I realized that I don't really want to do those things with anybody, not just him.

Basically it took me a long time to arrive at the "aroace" label. I have had very rare romantic attraction in the past, so I'm in the grey area, but overall I'm uninterested and comfortable with my current identity.

All this to say, take your time. You can also try out a label for a bit and see if it fits, maybe just use it on this forum, and compare your experiences to others.

Oh, also, your English is really good! I can't really tell it's not your main language. They don't really teach us to be bilingual in America, so I'm always impressed with people who speak English as a second or third language at any communicable level.

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On 3/12/2022 at 11:05 PM, Reengo said:

All this to say, take your time. You can also try out a label for a bit and see if it fits, maybe just use it on this forum, and compare your experiences to others.

Hello:) thank you so much for your answer! I thought about it the last ouple of weeks and I think my main takeaway is that I do have time. I always want to know this stuff about me immediately, but I can be patient. I am allowed to want what I want and not want what I not want and it is okay if that changes and I have to accept that most of the time I won't even explicitly know what I want or why I want it. There's no rush and I have to keep telling myself that.

And it's quite common to learn english where I'm from, but I feel like it has also much to do with social media being almost completely in english:) it's where I learned to really express myself in another language

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