Questioning

[Guest Dr. Robot.]

Hello, 

I came here because I think I’m aromantic, but I’m feeling confused, and wanted to hear people’s thoughts on it.

I’m confused because when I realized I was bisexual, it just clicked, and I realized I’d known that for as long as I can remember on some level.

With aromanticism, I feel like I have to prove it to myself, because it’s not clicking like my bisexuality did.

The reasons I think I’m aromantic are:

-I’ve been in several long term relationships, and I’m almost always the one to end it.  I never feel like I love the other person, and I’m always unhappy in the relationship after a few months tops. I just used to think I was emotionally broken or something was wrong with me.

-The most happy I’ve been with another person is when I’ve had friends with benefits type situations where I’ve been very upfront about my not being able to have something romantic.

-The times I can think of where I felt what I thought was romance, I now think are I was either in the closet and trying to be straight, or it was lust.

-I’ve never wanted to get married, or thought about growing old with someone.

The reasons I’m questioning if I’m aromantic or not are:

-I’ve been dumped a few times, and it’s really fucking hurt. I also feel guilty when I break up with someone, and that really hurts too, but I figured that could just be guilt (I hate breaking up with someone more than anything in the world). I feel like if I’m aromantic, why does it hurt so much when a relationship ends?

-I don’t feel romance repulsed. I have my fair share of criticisms regarding cultural focus on romance and marriage, but I’ve never felt confused by romantic acts, or grossed out from typical acts of romance.

-The fact that instead of it just clicking with me like my bisexuality, it’s more so just the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I have this worry that I’ll identify as aromantic, and I won’t really be, and it’ll do some sort of harm to the aromantic community.

I know this is pretty long, but I’ve struggled with this for a while now, and if there’s anyone that ends up reading this or sharing their thoughts, I sincerely appreciate you doing so.

Thank you.

 

[Gemi]

On 11/29/2020 at 7:13 PM, Guest Dr. Robot. said:

Hello, 

I came here because I think I’m aromantic, but I’m feeling confused, and wanted to hear people’s thoughts on it.

I’m confused because when I realized I was bisexual, it just clicked, and I realized I’d known that for as long as I can remember on some level.

With aromanticism, I feel like I have to prove it to myself, because it’s not clicking like my bisexuality did.

The reasons I think I’m aromantic are:

-I’ve been in several long term relationships, and I’m almost always the one to end it.  I never feel like I love the other person, and I’m always unhappy in the relationship after a few months tops. I just used to think I was emotionally broken or something was wrong with me.

-The most happy I’ve been with another person is when I’ve had friends with benefits type situations where I’ve been very upfront about my not being able to have something romantic.

-The times I can think of where I felt what I thought was romance, I now think are I was either in the closet and trying to be straight, or it was lust.

-I’ve never wanted to get married, or thought about growing old with someone.

The reasons I’m questioning if I’m aromantic or not are:

-I’ve been dumped a few times, and it’s really fucking hurt. I also feel guilty when I break up with someone, and that really hurts too, but I figured that could just be guilt (I hate breaking up with someone more than anything in the world). I feel like if I’m aromantic, why does it hurt so much when a relationship ends?

-I don’t feel romance repulsed. I have my fair share of criticisms regarding cultural focus on romance and marriage, but I’ve never felt confused by romantic acts, or grossed out from typical acts of romance.

-The fact that instead of it just clicking with me like my bisexuality, it’s more so just the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I have this worry that I’ll identify as aromantic, and I won’t really be, and it’ll do some sort of harm to the aromantic community.

I know this is pretty long, but I’ve struggled with this for a while now, and if there’s anyone that ends up reading this or sharing their thoughts, I sincerely appreciate you doing so.

Thank you.

 

As some one who recently found out their aromantic a month ago, I understand your worry about offending the community. I had the same worry too, but after I did more research on aromantic. I was then confident, that's what I am. Though regardless it's ok call yourself aromantic, but realize later it doesn't fit. It happens. It's no different than a person who thought they were bisexual, only to realize they weren't.

As for the break up part, it usually does hurt both parties, no matter the reason or who broke it off. It hurts because, you thought or hope it would work out, only to realize it won't. It also doesn't help knowing it's gonna hurt the other.

Something to clear up. Not all aromatics are repulsed by romance completely.  There are spectrums. Some aromantics, simply can't feel any romantic attractions towards another person. Some feel only a little romantic attraction. Or some can't feel any romantic attraction, if the person shows romantic interest first. They can also still like romantic things, but simply have no desire to experience it themselves.

There's one  spectrum called Lithromantic / Aporomantic / Akoi(ne)romantic

"1. Describes a person who can feel romantic attraction towards others and enjoys romantic relationships in theory, but does not need that affection to be reciprocated or to be in a relationship with the one the feelings are directed towards."

"2.Describes a person who may stop feeling romantic attraction once in a relationship or stop enjoying it."

You can look here to see if any of these seem to work  https://www.aromanticism.org/en/identity-terms

For the click, not everyone feels that. The only reason I feel, I felt a click, was because I already had the term in my head, but had no word to match it to, at the time. I'm also asexual, but when I first read the term there wasn't a click, it wasn't until I did more research that I realized, I was in fact asexual.

The big thing here is do more research, this will help make things clearer.