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aro_elise

allos in non-romantic relationships

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my roommate has a friend with benefits, and their 'friendly' activities include having dinner and wine in his backyard, going out for ice cream, and painting together.  upon hearing this, friends of hers insist that the two of them are dating.  she told me she doesn't have romantic feelings for him (and i believe vise versa).  they don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands, etc--pretty much their only physical contact is sexual.  to be honest, it sounds a lot like the sort of relationship i'd like.  however, she wanted to know what i thought since she said some of the platonic things they do she wouldn't do one-on-one with other friends, and she doesn't want him to date or sleep with other people, partly but not entirely because of covid.  while i couldn't relate to those last feelings, i said that if she and he agree they're "not dating or in a relationship" then they're not, and it doesn't so much matter what they call it, as long as they're happy with what it is.  since she knows i'm aro, she also asked how i would feel about doing 'date-like' things with someone, and i said fine--again it's not so much about the activity as our feelings; if i knew or felt that the guy was romantically attracted to me or considered the activities romantic, i wouldn't like that, but if we were on the same page, great.  she seemed to follow that, and surely applied it to the way she thought about her relationship with this guy.  i suppose i'm just sharing this because it's not often i can have a conversation about relationships with an alloromantic where we share many feelings/attitudes, and it was cool.  and i wanted to point out how amatonormativity also affects allos (which i know is well-established)--remember how people tried to label her relationship as romantic just based on a description of it without understanding the actual feelings of the people involved.   

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