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Alterous attraction. . . please help

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Some background (sorry in advance for a long post): 

Part 1

I was in a QPR with a girl (I'm a girl), but sometimes I felt like my feelings for her were kind of. . . crush-like. I would think about her all the time, daydream about living together, hope that every text was from her, etc. I'm told that's kind of what a crush is like. But the word crush didn't feel quite right to describe the exact feelings. Other times I definitely felt able to say with 100 percent certainty that my feelings for her were platonic. That experience caused me to label myself as aroflux since this happened throughout the relationship. 


I labeled the crush-like feelings alterous attraction, but now I'm wondering if I did that right.


What exactly does alterous attraction feel like? How does it differ from a crush?


Part 2

I think I can talk myself into "liking" people if I really want to. I can convince myself to basically become obsessed with them and have crush-like behavior. And it feels real. I just know it's not quite naturally occurring. My ex-zucchini is the only one for whom any sort of strange feelings cropped up.


I think I do this because I desperately want a partner. I desperately want to be in a deeply committed relationship. Sometimes I feel like I love my friends more deeply than they love me. And that's not their fault, but I feel like I'm not getting my emotional needs met by what other people define as friendships. I've learned that my idea of friendship is much more akin to what alloro people think of as romantic relationships, so I don't know what to do. I'm afraid no one will want to be in a committed relationship with me because I'm asexual and mostly aro (I think), but that's the only way I feel that people are going to give me the deep kind of love that I'm looking for. Does that make sense to anyone?

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Sorry, I can't help with the first part, but I can definitely relate to convincing yourself into liking someone. We all know what romantic attraction is supposed to feel like from TV, movies and all that. So it's not impossible (or unreasonable) to want to replicate that attraction because society and media makes it sound so good (and considered the norm). It's much easier to pretend than to confront.

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1 hour ago, Coyote said:

Hey @asexualpanda27 -- this isn't my area, but I do have an aromantic friend (who doesn't have an Arocalypse account) who would be happy to talk more about this stuff with you, if you want. Let me know and I can PM you her discord, instagram, or email address.

I would love that! Thank you!

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