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Grey-Aro? Aro? I don’t know


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 I desperately need help coming into terms with being aro and I don’t know how. I’m too scared to even admit to myself that I’m aro so I keep telling myself I’m grey. I mean I actually may be but I doubt it. Right now i really don’t want to be aromantic, I feel like there’s something wrong with me that has to be fixed. Quite honestly I’m really scared and I hate myself for something I can’t obviously control. Has anyone else felt something like this? Just utter fear and concussion? Denial? I just don’t want to be alone. (Sorry if this isn’t actually a topic question, I’m fairly new here and just needed somewhere to put this into words)

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Hi there @Gaby. It sounds like you're going through a difficult time at the moment. I know from my own experience that an 'identity crisis' is a tough thing to go through, so I can empathise.


2 hours ago, Gaby said:

Has anyone else felt something like this? Just utter fear and concussion? Denial?

To be honest, I felt mostly relief when I came across the concept of aromanticism. Relief knowing that other people shared some of my feelings and were already making choices and living in ways that weren't aligned so closely with amatonormative expectations.


2 hours ago, Gaby said:

I just don’t want to be alone

As I read your post, it occurred to me that this might be the root of your resistance to integrating some of your recent revelations back into an updated self-identity? But I don't think accepting an aromantic identity would mean accepting aloneness. I get that it's scary if a ton of cultural messaging reinforces a false dichotomy: EITHER romantic relationships OR aloneness. But I think many people on these forums find this not to be true. I don't feel alone; I have friends, I have family. I'd like more emotional and intellectually close frienships, it's true (and for me, ideally sexual friendships); but this is something I'm working on actively cultivating, so I don't despair about its impossibility. The future can be scary, especially if you don't have a ready made map from your culture leading to personal fulfilment (career, marriage, kids, picket-fences, etc.), but this can also be quite freeing. You've got the freedom to think outside of an amatonormative 'box' and make your own map. A better map, as it's made for you personally, by you personally.


What's your current situation, if you don't mind me asking? How old are you? Do you have family and/or friends you would feel comfortable confideing in? 


Generally I'd say: don't panic, take your time, take some deep breaths and allow some of the confusion to settle over the next few days. We'll be here on the forums in case you have any particular questions.


I really hope some of that was useful...

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Yes! I currently feel like this...especially because I was recently broken up with for my lack of romance and affection. I’m learning to understand and identify with it because it is who I am and I need to take pride.


but then there’s that part of me who blames myself. If only I was normal like everyone else, my relationship would’ve worked out

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