Hello, and an introduction

poof_tin · September 26, 2018

My sexuality has always been, and still is, a mystery to me. Ever since a year or five/four back I thought that that was what caused me to be so unwilling to partake in and being anxious around romantic displays of affection, as I feared my sexuality would "change" and cause me to break it off.

Not to mention, I'm a very closed-off person in general. I have trouble conventionally connecting deeply with friends as well. I must have a fear of commitment, was my thought.

I figured it was the combination of these two factors that formed my feelings of being trapped in a romantic relationship.

I would start one (have tried so five times in fact) and relatively soon I would feel restless. I did not want to hold hands: it was clammy and restrictive. The same went for kisses. I never felt a "spark", a connection. It was skin, touching skin. It meant nothing more to me. I tried to approach it socially appropriately: I had been dating for a week/month, about so and so seconds is acceptable, et cetera.

Needless to say, I never lasted long. I was mostly the one to initiate the relationship, eagerly jumping on every opportunity to feel complete and to show my affection, but I have always been the one to (prematurely) break it off.

I have hurt many people who did not deserve that this way. I pushed friends and wonderful people out of my life and it still leaves me feeling remorseful.

It wasn't until a few months, after another of those painful moments (though we managed to remain friends), when my friend asked me if I was not aromantic.

To be truthful, I never liked labels. I still don't, though I now realise the good they can do.

Because thanks to that label, I could look it up. I could see my own experiences staring back at me. I could watch people explain the term and implications. I could read and listen to people's personal experiences.

I tried one more time to be in a romantic relationship. What a disastrous attempt. It left me nothing but sleepless nights. At least now I know for certain. I'm breaking it off before it can get anywhere as I type this.

My sexuality may still be a mess, but I feel calm about it. It's not a problem. Me not wanting a romantic relationship, or ever displaying romantic (physical) attraction is not a problem.

It's not worth the headaches and the tears to keep attempting to gain what I don't want.

I still fear for my future. I worry about what will become of me if I never have a partner like that in my life, while all my friends and the people around me do and expect it of me as well. Will all my friends disregard me in favour of their significant other? I don't know.

But I finally feel somewhat content in who I am, and who I am not.

I see joining a forum with like-minded people as a good place to start my new acceptance for myself (and others as well).

I'm glad it exists.