Hello

[Kürtőskalács]

So I guess I just want to talk about my recent "aro awakening" anonymously and I suppose this is where I should do it.

Basically it was only two days ago it even crossed my mind I could be aro (I'm 20). I'm still not completely sure about it but the label feels right so I suppose I'm doing some experimenting now, for example by writing about this.

I never even considered the possibility because I reallly like romance. Like I like reading about it, I like movies about it and so on. I'm even in a long term relationship (3 years and counting), so aromanticism wasn't really something I thought would fit me. However, a while ago I realised aros can like romance and the idea of it. So I started examining my situation a bit more.

I have never told this to anywhere and it's the main reason I want this to be anonymous: I don't love my boyfriend romantically. It broke my heart to realise it, because I really love him in other ways and I'm very happy in our relationship. The realisation was like 1,5 years ago but as both him and I were/are happy in our relationship I didn't want to do anything about it. The only things I would like to change about him or our relationship are minor (apart from the fact that I wish I loved him like he loves me) and I know I will probably never find anyone as caring and genuinely good-hearted as him. However, I haven't thought about the aro aspect too much until now, I just thought it was him I couldn't love. I still don't know which one is the case, really.

Then now, two days ago, I started thinking about my other experiences. I always thought my crushes were forced, too light and too easily born. Sometimes I had never talked to a person and still claimed to have a crush on them, and these crushes would change very often. So now that I think about it, I'm fairly sure I've been confusing sexual attraction and crushes. As said, I really like romance and I've wanted relationships since a young age but once when I was 12 I realised something quite weird. I realised if almost any guy (I thought I was straight) in the class would show any interest in me, I'd go for it. I was confused because it's a very popular theme in media to have the main character choose between true love and convenience, and I couldn't really relate to that as I was basically ready to date almost anyone. Even then I realised I was really young so I just blamed it on my age. However, I don't think that has changed much. Even with my boyfriend, while my love/attachment for him has grown as I've spent all this time with him, I don't really think what I thought was a crush has evolved into anything more, let alone romantic love. I always thought I had fallen out of love, but now that I think about it I don't think I ever was in romantic love. At least in the way other people seem to describe it.
 

Which leads to the last point of my examining. I've never really experienced the things people use to explain romantic love (unless it's things that fit other types of love too, eg being willing to sacrifice a lot or even die for someone). So I am fairly sure I've never been in romantic love. However, I'm quite young so I don't know if most people my age even have really been in romantic love (and now I'm not saying no person my age or younger can be sure about being aro/ace, it's just about me personally!). I feel like it's very unlikely to find ""the right one"" this young I find it weird how most TV/movie "true love" couples are like teens or young adults. I don't know if it's a) just me being aromantic b) me being unlucky and that most people do actually find real romantic love this early c) the shows/movies just want romance with people in a "sexy" age / they're trying to appeal to the young audience, so it's not based on reality.

To conclude, I don't really know if all this is caused by my feelings about my current relationship, by my lack of experience or by actually being aro. At the moment I feel like it's the last option but I'm not sure yet. It's only been two days lol

So there's my story on this topic. Mainly wrote it for myself, but I'm glad if someone else read it all too.

[aro_elise]

wow, that is a short amount of time to come to such a profound realization, even if you're not certain about it, and i don't mean that in a bad way at all.  it took me about a year from the time i first heard the term and thought it seemed right to the time i accepted it.  (i'm 20 now, too, btw.) 

 

but what you described does sound like aromanticism to me.  i think what may be tripping you up is the same thing a lot of allos (non-aromantics) tend to focus on, which is thinking only about romantic love, i.e. falling in love, being madly in love, finding your true love, that kind of movie stuff, as opposed to romantic attraction, which isn't necessarily that monumental; it could simply be crushes.  that is to say, yes, almost everyone our age has experienced some kind of romantic attraction, and if you haven't, you're probably aro. 

 

btw, the non-romantic version of a crush (generally platonic feelings) is called a squish.  when this coincides with sexual attraction, i personally call it an aro crush.  and of course there can be sexual attraction on its own.

 

and you don't even have to have had one relationship to be able to identify as aro, never mind more than one.  you don't have to be a certain age, and you don't have to question for a certain length of time.  if you feel like you're aro, that's enough.  i had one relationship, which began several months after i'd started questioning (mostly denying) and ended a couple months after i'd decided to id as aro (and told him).  it just reinforced my suspicions; if not for it, i don't know how my discovery process would have gone.  i've been single for almost three years and i'm very confident in my identity.

 

good luck discovering yours.