Questioning my Sexuality

[Guest 51f6b...812]

So after figuring out I’m aromantic, I’ve also started questioning my sexuality.

At first I thought I was just bisexual and then I came across the terms asexual/demisexual/grayasexual but I’m not sure if I’d fit under any of these umbrellas.

 

So my situation sort of goes like this (sorry if there’s tmi)

 

.I haven’t had any sexual interaction with other people for over 2 years and I’m not at all interested in seeking it out either

 

.I do feel like I can enjoy sex and it can feel good but I have had a few times where it doesn’t feel like anything too

 

.I do masturbate often and I do enjoy it, more so than sex

 

.I could never, ever have any sort of sexual interaction with someone I’m not close with or trust

 

.I think I would be absolutely fine if I never had sex again

 

.I sometimes feel like I am sexually attracted to one of my close friends but when I think about it some more I feel like it would be absolutely impossible for me to have any sexual interaction with them.

 

.Sometimes, but rarely the idea of having sex again makes me afraid

 

.I’d consider myself attracted to both genders in some sort of way though I’m not sure how

 

.I have friends often suggest helping me 'get laid' I act interested but I feel uninterested 

 

.Sex is a big topic of discussion amongst my friends and I do enjoy talking about it

 

 

I don't know I’m just a big ball of confusion and I don't feel I belong under any label and for me that's quite stressful.

Any advice would be appreciated 

Anonymous poster hash: 51f6b...812

[DeltaAro]

Sounds like aegosexuality.

[Glass]

Are you me?

 

So, was exploring these forums and this post made me register just so I could respond, because you've pretty much described my process/situation (if you exchange "bi" for "homo"). I'm not sure I can offer advice, but I can share my thoughts.

 

Aromantic clicked for me with just a little reflection. But homosexual still seemed to apply more than asexual, simply because I find men sexually arousing. But I've started thinking about things like: I don't want to go out looking for sex; I can't remember the last time I had sex; most of my sexual encounters involved alcohol; I don't care if I ever have sex again. I enjoy masturbation, but is that sex? It's sexual, but does "sexual" equal "sex"? I do get aroused by men I find attractive, and I sometimes use porn when I masturbate. But I also don't fantasize about having sex with them- they are the catalysts of arousal, but it's visual/aesthetic. I wonder if, as a gay man, I've simply accepted that being aroused by/attracted to men means I should want to have sex with them?

 

I am currently in the midst of (re-)figuring out my sexuality, so I'm afraid I don't have answers, only thoughts and questions- though I find hearing other people's thoughts and questions helpful.

 

In regards to labels: 1) Labels are imperfect descriptors of reality. They are helpful in communicating efficiently, but they apply to too wide a range of people to be 100% accurate. The main thing, I think, is whether a label is useful to you. Also: is this label something you will tell other people, or is it just a tool for you to help understand yourself better? 2) People "round up" all the time. A straight guy can have a homosexual experience, or think of certain men as attractive, without having to call himself bisexual- it's more misleading to call someone like that "bisexual" than "heterosexual." Likewise, when considering a label that works for you, think about whether it's more useful for other people to think of you as "bisexual" than "asexual." No one is going to come and take away your Ace card if you have sex once or twice.

 

Ok, hope that wasn't too rambling, and I hope there's something in this mess that's helpful!

[DeltaAro]

8 hours ago, Glass said:

People "round up" all the time. A straight guy can have a homosexual experience, or think of certain men as attractive, without having to call himself bisexual

Yeah, I round that one down. Only models could theoretically be precise, labels never. I kind of like the Kinsey scale (as old-fashionedly focused on behavior and incomplete as it is). But then a complete model of human sexuality would be a ten-dimensional hypercube so that's not feasible either.

[Glass]

10 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Yeah, I round that one down. Only models could theoretically be precise, labels never. I kind of like the Kinsey scale (as old-fashionedly focused on behavior and incomplete as it is). But then a complete model of human sexuality would be a ten-dimensional hypercube so that's not feasible either.

I agree- both on the fact that a model of human sexuality is theoretically but practically impossible, and that the Kinsey scale has value.

 

But talking about rounding "down" or "up" has made me stop and consider the fact that I conceptualize the Kinsey scale as horizontal. I haven't looked into it, but do you know if anyone has added a vertical axis to Kinsey? So that the x-axis is gay to straight, while the y-axis is asexual to allosexual? Just exploring the idea in my head, I'm finding it helpful. Perhaps it would be useful to the OP?

[ixi]

Your descriptions sound demi/grey(a)sexual to me... What label feels best for you? 

[DeltaAro]

On 3/31/2018 at 4:28 AM, Glass said:

So that the x-axis is gay to straight, while the y-axis is asexual to allosexual? Just exploring the idea in my head, I'm finding it helpful. Perhaps it would be useful to the OP?

The problem with the y-axis is that the strength of sex drive varies a lot for allosexuals – how should we incorporate this? It makes sense to say that somebody is totally straight, but it doesn't really make sense to say somebody is totally allosexual. Also, while the “point of absolute zero” (asexual) is easy to grasp, the difference between an allosexual with a low sex drive and a graysexual seems rather confusing.

 

To be “honest”, I guess technically I am bisexual, though more biased towards women; an additional reason to round it down is that I don't … exhibit the relevant “behavior” (anymore – for “all time” I'd be Kinsey 2). I don't really see much need to experiment in this direction again. Seems to be easier. Okay, sorry for making this about me!!

[aro_elise]

i would call that demi-bisexual, as i'm getting the impression that in order to develop sexual attraction to someone, you need a strong emotional bond, and that this attraction can be towards men and women--i hope i understood.  and attraction is really the only relevant factor.  like, i'm virgin (i've had limited experiences) and not stressed about it--apprehensive, sure, interested, ok, trying specifically to orchestrate or avoid sexual encounters, no.  point is, i'm sexually attracted to guys, with no modifications like rarity (gray) or dependence on emotional connection (demi), so i identify as heterosexual.  in the end, only you can decide how you want to identify.