TygerSongbird Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Hello, Arocalypse! I haven't been here for the longest time, honestly, and I feel like I need to make like a reintroduction on things. I hope you don't mind. I think I know for sure that I am aromantic really. I've never really been into romantic stuff, or doing any sort of romantic things (kissing, cuddling, etc). I'm not really into dating at all. I am not a big person who's into personal touch, and I tend to be very sensitive to people touching me. I can handle hugs from time to time, just not all the time. So, I don't feel like I'm romantic. It all feels pointless to me. However, I have to say this: I am afraid. I am afraid. Not of dating or anything. Rather, I am afraid of sex. And I believe it's for a good reason I am. I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin. I've never wanted to have sex either. Sex was just never something I wanted to do. While everyone in high school was so adamantly trying to have sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, I just didn't want to. I was more into going to college, keeping an A average, getting good grades, singing in choir, learning things, and developing my creative talents in music and writing. I didn't even care to do any sort of sex-ed class in school. I mean, I know all the contraceptives and the different STIs out there, but in terms of actually knowing sex or anything about private anatomy, I can't even tell you what that is. I don't know. I was (and still am) really into things like video games, game shows, board games, reading, singing, writing, trivia, sports, spirituality, and other various pursuits. I used to think that sex wasn't this huge deal. It's just a thing the media uses to exploit people or whatever. Like, Hollywood telling you what to do, mandating what's cool. I would just be Like, why should people care about it? I mean, to me it didn't seem that important. Like, why isn't being a virgin a cool thing? To me it was! After all, sex can't really matter that much. Just like marriage and children. Not everyone wants children, right? It's okay not to have children, right? So, sex can't be everything, right? It can't be that important, can it? However, I realized later that I was the weird one. I was the weird kid, and apparently, everyone else was normal. People did want sex all the time. It wasn't a joke or something. That scared me wholeheartedly. So, because of that, I then started to want to find out what sex actually was (since I never really learned anything about sex). What I found was literally terrifying. I looked up sex online and found some porn and all that, and what I saw was fearful. It was like this man was just viciously pummeling this woman with his appendage penis. There was a lot of sounds like the hammering of a nail, as he was doing coitus with her area- apparently, that's a vagina (another thing I'd never seen before). Like I said, I had never really seen sex before until that moment, and it was a moment that still scares me. I mean, she was screaming loud and all that. It was scary to hear screaming, and I didn't want to hear it. I literally said to myself, " That's sex?! That's what you have to do with sex? That's what people expect you to do to them? No way, Jose! That seems gross! I am not about to do that! Count me out!!" I am asexual, I believe. I just think that's who I am. I just don't feel like wanting to have sex with anyone. It's not part of my personage. It doesn't sit well with me. I don't ever want to have it. It seems so contrary to who I am as a person really. I can't, I just can't. Sex and I haven't had a really good relationship ever. A few years ago, this girl kissed me and I backed away from the kiss, and I just felt frozen for the longest time. I couldn't even move, like a statue. It was like Sheldon in TBBT when Leonard's mom kissed him. He just stood there, paralyzed. I was like that completely scared. However, what scared me the most from all of that was the reaction I had afterwards. After it was over, I realized I had a hard time walking and taking steps. I was stiff and hard, with a raging bulge in my pants from it all. Put it bluntly, it was erection. Erections just don't feel good. I hate how they make me feel. I hate getting boners, honestly. The stiffness of it all, the blood rush, and all the crazy raging feelings that come with it. It makes me feel like a volcano or something. They take forever to go away too. Yeah, I wish I didn't get them. Erections are just so icky. They make me feel so awkward. Cursed puberty. Erections truly make me incredibly uncomfortable, the same way boobs and any form of private parts make me uncomfortable. They just make me alarmed, taken aback because they all stand as a signal for sex (which is something I desperately try to avoid). Anything that in a sense signals sex dearly terrifies me in petrification. And that moment truly scared me. I didn't want this, yet I couldn't control what was happening. I didn't know if she could tell I had an erection or not, but I quickly turned my back and tried to hide it as much as possible. It was one of the roughest days I can recall. I was so scared and nervous, stressing. That whole thing literally scared the bejeezus out of me, truly. I didn't want to have sex, yet I still had an erection from everything. It was like 'What's wrong with me?'. I couldn't understand it. Ideally, I wish that there was never a thing called sex, personally. Sex and any sex organs either. Like, what do you do with those things anyway? How do you operate those things, really? Boobs? Why have them? And your penis and vagina, Why are they even there except for urinating? Looks so loopy to me. Ugh, it's so weird and off-putting. I wish sex just didn't exist. I mean, I know it continues the species, but I just wish there was another way that could happen. Procreation is the last thing I'd want to anyway. So, I see no point for sex for me at all. There's no way I am ever going to ever do that. Not in this lifetime, I won't. I can't even think of why I would ever want to really. However, we live in a culture where sex is everything and always present in every commercial, tv show, song lyric, and you name it. The slogan of the day is that sex is the key to all happiness, and that those without it are sad, dead, or inhuman. After all, sex makes you human-ugh! They make it to where if you aren't having sex, then you're not cool. So, there's always this intense pressure placed upon you to copulate with somebody just to be accepted by everyone. It's either have sex or be a square. That's how people react to you. That never seems to go away, either. It's a hypersexual culture, with sex on overdrive. The culture just seems so sex-consumed to me. I don't know what you guys think of it, but it seems that way to me. It makes me feel highly uncomfortable, to the point where my stomach turns knots like shoes are in my tummy. All throughout school, when it seemed every single person was obsessed with sex, hounding for it all the time, I tried to stay away from everyone all the time to avoid those situations. I literally shut myself in on weekends, so that I wouldn't have to go through all that peer pressure of drinking, smoking, and sex. I stayed at home on Friday and Saturday doing my classwork and playing PlayStation, just to avoid people doing all that with me. I didn't even go to prom because of that (actually I didn't want to pay $300 for a tux, and another $500 for a limosine). However, I didn't go out in high school because I didn't want to have sex. Keeping myself at home was a safe way to keep all the sex fiends at bay. I was like, "Stay away from me and back off! Never come near me or I will have you removed from my sight!". That's how I was. That's how I still am to this day. So, yeah, sex and I have had an antipathy towards each other, you could say. We don't get along too well. The thought of myself having to have sex makes me want to vomit. It might be my greatest fear ever, even above death or skydiving, per se. The thought of someone trying to use their sex organs in humping my genitals makes me want to have a panic attack. I know that sounds like I'm being a fraidy-cat. I know for a lot of people, they'll just say "It's just sex. It's not a big deal. Get over it, you coward! You're such a wussy!" However, when it comes to myself, I want to be as far away from that as humanly possible. I don't want anybody trying to get that close to me ever. A person trying to get that close to me, especially with their genitals exposed, would just make me pass out. No siree!! I don't want any sex-hungry people to try and devour me like that. No way!!! I feel like I'm the most odd man in the world saying that. After all, every man wants sex. All men ever think about is sex. Yeah, yeah. Apparently, I'm not a man then. Yeah. **So, it's pretty much loud and clear that I'm afraid of sex. However, I'm not so clear as to whether that makes me aromantic. I mean, I've never really tried to date really due to this. I mean, I feel like I'm aromantic, but I just worry since I haven't ever dated or not. Do I fit the profile of aromantic? Can you call yourself if you've never tried to date? Am I aromantic or am I afraid? Please weigh in, if you would** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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