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Questioning romantic orientation


Salty Fish
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Hi! 

I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum, and maybe even poly (however that's for another time), but I’m not really sure. I’m currently in a distance relationship with a girl I’m really fond of anyway. The thing is, before I got together with her, we talked a lot over social media, about each other, interests and stuff like that. It was exciting to check the phone for new messages, I got sad when she spent time with other people she showed interest in (but was accepting, of course), and I eventually confessed and said that I liked her, which was reciprocated. Cue the cliché feeling of butterflies and a high, but then it was normalised, kind of. Right now, it seems like it was for the sake of acknowledgement and not romance. I don't mind it being "more romantic" over writing, but IRL freaks me out a little.

 

I love her, really, but just not… that way. I’m not one for hugs or touching in general if there’s a romantic motivation behind it, while she's very into romantic affection and touching. It wouldn’t be surprising to me if this “only” was a strong squish, judging from my current view on this. I wouldn’t mind hugging or even kissing if it’s platonic or meant sexually. 

 

A couple in a small group chat I’m in sent a picture where they kissed. I wasn’t disgusted, but it sure made me uncomfortable. Seeing it in movies or with people I’m not too close to is fine. Reading about it is fine. In closed "safe spaces" or with people I know well, something just stirs negatively. Again, I don’t mind as long as it’s not romantic, the closer to me it gets.

 

Hearing some more thoughts or views might give me some sense of direction though. Any own experiences maybe? I’m just really unsure, and despite having aro “tendencies” (wrong wording deluxe, but you get my drift), I’m not sure if that makes me specifically aro.

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I can relate to a lot of this. I also constantly doubt myself. I get really strong feelings of love towards certain people (it's rare though), but the idea of doing "romantic" things with them just seems wrong. Even so, I like hugs and cuddling, but I don't see those things as romantic at all. If they 'act romantic' towards me, then I get all weirded out to some extent, but it totally depends on what they do and how they do it, and it's all very confusing. :rofl:

 

On 05 June 2017 at 7:36 PM, Salty Fish said:

It was exciting to check the phone for new messages, I got sad when she spent time with other people she showed interest in

I get this with close friends too, but the reason for it is because I get irritated deep down when people prioritize 'romantic interests' above close friendship. Like, they're somehow more interested in some semi-complete stranger than in someone they're already close to... this totally boggles my mind. I'm not sure if that's in any way relevant to your situation though.

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On 6.6.2017 at 9:59 PM, SoulWolf said:

I can relate to a lot of this. I also constantly doubt myself. I get really strong feelings of love towards certain people (it's rare though), but the idea of doing "romantic" things with them just seems wrong. Even so, I like hugs and cuddling, but I don't see those things as romantic at all. If they 'act romantic' towards me, then I get all weirded out to some extent, but it totally depends on what they do and how they do it, and it's all very confusing. :rofl:

 

I get this with close friends too, but the reason for it is because I get irritated deep down when people prioritize 'romantic interests' above close friendship. Like, they're somehow more interested in some semi-complete stranger than in someone they're already close to... this totally boggles my mind. I'm not sure if that's in any way relevant to your situation though.

Hearing about similar experiences is definitely reassuring, thank you! It's nice to have someone to depend on but I'm more than cool with it being psychological "only", and well, not necessarily love-love but a strong form of affection rather. 

 

I think the latter might be a little different to me, but I can see myself in the same situation regardless, and especially with the prioritising. However, I do have a habit of overthinking but it's still a weird thought as it happens quite a lot in general.

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