Fox

I notice that some parts of it are similar to some forms of polyamory, like not having to restrict yourself with just one partner and letting things grow and develop in the way that it naturally does. Just a forming thought, but perhaps polyamory is a form of relationship anarchy?

Personally, I like the concept of it a lot, but I don't see myself using it in real life. I'm romance-repulsed, so being able to clearly say "I am not interested in most romantic-coded activities" and "I want to stay just friends" is helpful for me, and that relies on the foundation of knowing what is typically expected of a friendship vs. romantic relationship. 

My only criticism is that the article was impossible for me read due to eye strain lol

(Disclaimer: I realize many aros don't like the term "just friends," which I totally understand and I don't mean to insinuate that friendships are below romantic relationships. For me personally, I want my friendships to be below on their "priority list," even among their friendships because...well that gets into a whole personal thing, but in short I'm gray-apl/apl-spec and also get exhausted from talking and hanging out with people.)

By preference, I don't want to, because committing to someone for life like that just sounds like a bad idea. I wouldn't want others to think I'm romantically involved with them either. If I don't get married, I'll be bombarded with the pressure to; and if I am married, I'll be bombarded with questions about when we started dating, how we met, etc. Frankly, the former sounds more tolerable, though I haven't experienced it much as I'm not of average marriage age yet, so I'll see. There's also the factor of societal benefits (tax, medical, financial, adopting, etc.) I'm not entirely sure how advantageous these will be with what I want in my future life, so I'll see about that too. If I find myself struggling without these benefits I'll find another aro to marry, but I hope I can do without that.

I'll never marry for the romance of it. Thought of it makes me sick.

Ideally, I'd like to live alone. I could never relax as much as I want/need to when there's another person in the house. I'd like to be able to choose when I talk to people, and not feel obligated to talk to them all the time. Unfortunately, I have some health conditions where it might be better to have someone there in case I needed help, so I've never really seriously explored the option of living alone. Also rent is hella expensive. 

At the very least, I'd need a separate sleeping space. Also a dog would be nice. (I'm allergic to cats 😢)

22 hours ago, Picklethewickle said:

It sounds like it's not so much transphobia, but risk-aversion. For medical risks, see if you can do research, talk to doctors, and talk to people who have transitioned so they can tell you what the associated risks truly are, how likely is it for those risks to occur, how to minimize risk, and how to cope if issues do occur. For social risks, such as threats or rejection, build a support network. Are there people in your life now who are supportive of you transitioning? Can you get to know other people who have transitioned, so that you can all support each other?

Oh, yeah, risk-aversion is a better word for it. There are some people who are supportive, but I don't know anyone who has transitioned or is in the process of it. I'll see about finding people that have. Thank you for the advice!

This might be hard to answer, but I'm at a loss right now.

I am probably trans. I don't want to be my birth gender, and if there were a magical button that immediately made me the opposite sex/gender, I would press it in a heartbeat. I really want to be the opposite sex/gender, but I am terrified of transitioning. I'm scared of medical complications during surgery and becoming a target of discrimination. Especially when you read the news nowadays, I just get really scared of living as who I feel I truly am. I know logically that being trans is okay, it's normal, but I hate the idea of me being trans and transitioning for the reasons I listed above. When I see someone similar to me, I see myself, and I can't stand to see that reflection. 

I know there isn't an easy fix to this, but I was wondering if anyone had any self-exploration prompts or advice. How does one find the courage to live as themselves? (If it helps at all, I am in the mental healthcare system. I'm lucky to live in a relatively supportive environment but I still feel alone.)

I feel that way! I am very happy to have no partners, romantic or otherwise. 

I love my dog so much too!

What's your dog's name and breed? Any cute habits/personality traits?

My dog, every morning, fully stretches out on couch to sun bathe. He looks so relaxed every time.

I agree there is that pressure everywhere you go, but you're not alone! I'm non-partnering too, because I don't like the idea of committing to someone for life or calling someone my partner. It's unfair that we're expected to have a partner to be legitimate or worthwhile. 

There was a time when I said "I want a [romantic] relationship where we don't talk or touch." That was probably my way of trying to fit into amatonormativity while being romance-repulsed. Like, "Look! I have a romantic relationship but I don't actually want any romance in it!" (I like talking/words of affirmation and physical touch, but only if it's platonic. When it's in a romantic way I feel repulsed.) 

I was told that romantic attraction is a beautiful part of being human. Interesting thing is that I'm human and happy enough without it! Who would've thunk it. /s

Hi all, hope you're doing well.

I've been thinking about gender a lot and wanted to share some revelations I'm finally able to put into words. (Disclaimer: This is by no means everyone's experience, this is just mine and my thoughts on it. There are many valid ways to question and label oneself.)

I've struggled with finding a label to describe my gender for many years. I felt very pressured to have a label, and this caused me some distress. I realized though that gender, regardless of whether one is cis or trans or in between, could be less about having an exact label and more about what steps you find helpful to take. No judgement at all to those who like labels; I realize it brings joy to many and that is totally cool! It just wasn't the case for me for a while, and if it's not the case for you too, that's okay. I found it helpful to focus on what I actually wanted to do with my gender identity and expression. For example, asking myself "Do I want to go by different pronouns? A different name? Do I want to medically transition?" was immensely more helpful in understanding myself (and thus deriving a label) as opposed to starting right off the bat with the big question of "what am I?" 

Idk, I just found this cool and wanted to share. I'm sure stuff like this is floating around out there but I just wanted to add my thoughts to it.

5 hours ago, Harvest said:

So are there any specific philosophical topics you are interested in?

I particularly like absurdism and existentialism, like I don't believe there's any inherent meaning or purpose to life but that means we have the freedom to make one for ourselves. I also believe that there is nothing in the world that everyone can agree on, because of how diverse the human experience is. This makes humanity as a whole unable to know something for certain and without doubt, because there will always be someone who argues against it. (Still, for the sake of being in a society, it's worth it to agree to call certain things as "truth" for it to function. I'm not saying we should give up the pursuit of knowledge because it invigorates many and is overall productive, this is just fun to think about.) This brings up the issue that I'm grappling with currently: why do most humans want to do good? I and I believe many others think it's very important to have integrity and be kind to other people, but not everyone thinks that. If everyone cannot agree on one thing, how can we say there is an absolute moral guide? If there is no absolute moral guide, how do humans know what they're doing is right? My current theory is that evolution led us to agree on a general set of principles so we work better together. My emotional side doesn't like that theory though, because I just feel so strongly that my moral principles are the "right" ones, even though my logical side knows I don't believe in absolute morals.

5 minutes ago, alto said:

I like how THE GOOD PLACE believes most people are redeemable <3 

I liked that too. Also I just noticed your gender status is "good place Janet", I love that!

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

Communicating is great! But a lot of communication is all nonverbal. Simply pulling back from the relationships will be communicating this to them just as clearly. As a social species, that's to be expected. You do not need to explain ahead of time that you're planning on pulling back from the relationship. Maybe they are, too, at least at some point. Or maybe you'll all discover that this just happens naturally with physical space anyway.

That makes a lot of sense. I'm hoping to be mindful of what makes me uncomfortable in a friendship, and avoiding that, while still trying to maintain what does make me comfortable/happy. Thank you so much for your advice, it was very helpful!

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

Things you need to do to adopt a label:

• Use the label

Things you do not need to do:

• Pass a test
• Get voted in by a committee
• Go through a hazing to prove you really want it
• Get a diagnosis
• Prove your identity in a court of law
• Wait a specific amount of time
• Defend a thesis on why you're the identity in front of a panel of judges

Are you apl/aplspec? I don't know. Are you? Is aplatonic a useful label for you? Do you want to use it? Do you relate to it? Would it help you communicate whatever it is you want to communicate to others? Those are the questions you need to consider. If any ONE of them leads to you identifying as aplatonic, that's enough. If you just want to try the label to see how it fits for no other particular reason, that's enough.

Identity categories are not boxes we inherently fall into or don't. Labels are simply tools of communication. They are massive simplifications of vast, complex, confusing human experiences. People may identify with multiple, seemingly contradictory, categories. They may sometimes relate to a label, sometimes not. They may choose to use one label even though another may technically fit them better for any variety of reasons. Identity is about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS. Not about innately fitting into a specific, rigid, and neat category.

Thank you so much for this, it was really insightful.

I do feel that apl/aplsec is very helpful to me for describing how I feel about my friends. I always knew something was off about my friendships, and just never had the words to describe the "off feeling" until now. But then arises the conflict of telling them. I worry they will be hurt by me feeling differently towards them, even though I really do love them. Am I obligated to tell them in any way? I will be transitioning to a different stage of life soon, and thus won't see them as often, which works great for me. I'm not very comfortable with where some of my friendships are at the moment, but I don't want to completely loose contact, so I'm hoping that this transition works as a natural way for me to drift and adjust the friendship level to something I'm more comfortable with. Is it wrong of me to do this without explaining? 

2 hours ago, rin said:

how can i have a romantic relationship with somebody if i cant have any romantic interest in them? it feels like lying and i hate it and i want to be in love so much.

if anybody has any some advice please let me know!

In the cases where you did have a romantic relationship, did the other person know you weren't alloromantic from the start? The best way to not feel like you're lying is to just tell them, and communicate how you can't feel romantic love but you still want a romantic relationship. And I mean, communicate before a romantic relationship starts/when it starts. This might be confusing to many alloromantics, especially if they've had no exposure to the aromantic community, but if you can find someone that understands, you might be able to get what you want. I don't know how easy it is to find someone like that, but most alloros expect reciprocity in romantic love, so it could be difficult.

I have another question for you. How important is it that the relationship is labeled romantic vs. doing traditionally romantic things with that person? Do you need the relationship to be called romantic and for the other person to feel romantic love for you? Or do you want a relationship where you do romantic things, such as kiss, cuddle, call each other partners, etc. without needing it to be inherently romantic, but still is very committed with a deep connection? If the latter is true, you could look into queerplatonic relationships. If you want a QPR it might be easier with another aro-spec person, but that's up to you and what you want out of a relationship.

43 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

There is aceflux and aroflux for sexual and romantic attraction. For platonic attraction, I find platonicflux or aplatonicflux.

There is also cupioplatonic if you desire platonic connections but don't feel platonic attraction. That's a possibility too from what you said.

Thank you! I'll look into these terms.

Hi all, I want to talk about my platonic attraction and see if I fit into the aplatonic spectrum. First and foremost I apologize for the length of this post, there's a lot I want to talk about.

To start, very rarely, I’ll feel a desire to be friends with someone I just met. It’s like a “we click” feeling and I want to further our relationship. So in that sense to do feel some platonic attraction. But with the friends and family I do have, I don’t miss specific people. I’ll feel lonely if I’m alone for too long but that threshold is very high, and I don’t know what it feels like to miss a specific person. I don’t initiate hang-outs that often either. I’m told I’m too distant/absent so I have to make a deliberate action to initiate, even when it doesn’t feel really natural to me. I still very much desire friends and family and human connection in general, and I deeply love them and don’t want to be without them. I enjoy hanging out with my friends most of the time, too, and I love physical affection. I just don’t seem to have that same consistent, internal drive to drive me to maintain a friendship with a specific person, and not a very strong one to initiate one either.

And where would jealousy fall into this? I’ve only felt jealous once in my entire life. It was when my former-best friend became closer with another close friend of mine. We're all still friends, but I felt hurt. This makes me wonder if I do indeed feel platonic attraction towards my former-best friend. It’s difficult for me to sort out my feelings about her, but I know it feels weird for me to say “I miss you” to her, like I’m lying. (Note: we're long-distance.) I have had difficulty staying in contact with her for the past several years but we’ve managed to push through and still be friends. There are times when I want to be friends with her and hang out more, and there I times when I don’t. But that falls into a general feeling I sometimes get of not wanting to have friends, sometimes directed toward a specific person. I’ll elaborate on that. There are usually a few scenarios that lead me to desire to be solitary, which are 1.) there’s drama going on among my friends, and/or people are venting to me. It feels exhausting to feel like I have to take care of this person in that moment and I don’t always want to know everything that’s going on their life. It makes me wonder if friendships are really worth it. 2.) I hang out with them too much or on the wrong day. Sometimes I go through phases where I can’t stand to be around my friends, but I pretend everything is fine, and afterwards I feel this horrible sick feeling like I want to wrench something out of my body. It’s really confusing, and I don’t understand why I feel like that. I know I’d hate to be solitary most of the time because I’d get lonely, but sometimes I just can’t stand having bonds with people. Maybe it’s a mental/emotional thing I need to work through, I don’t know.

So I’m wondering if I may be on the aplatonic spectrum, as I seem to fluctuate between mildly wanting to be friends with or be closer with someone, to feeling like every relationship is exhausting to maintain, and sometimes that it’s a repulsive thing in my life I need to get rid of. I will add that I find using the term "attraction" to describe my love for my friends a little uncomfortable. Even the word "platonic" I'm not so comfortable with. I just simply love them, that's it. What are your thoughts on my situation? Is there a word for fluctuating attraction? Or is it all just a mental problem I need to work through, like a fear of close relationships?

Thank you.

On 4/1/2023 at 1:47 AM, nonmerci said:

Personally, I don't feel platonic attraction cause I don't met people and think "wow I want to be their friends", and because I don't have anything that pushes me to continue a friendship with a specific person, in the sense that I don't miss them when they are not there. That makes it more difficult to pursue friendship cause I can stay weeks without thinking about my friends, so harder to keep contact. A common experience of aplatonic people in friendships is being told that we don't initiate enough. I know that so I try to initiate, as I still enjoy my friends company, but it is not something that comes naturally as it did when you feel attraction, if that lakes sense.

I related to several parts of what you said here, I think I'll look into the term aplatonic. Thank you ^^

To answer your question, I think it is possible to feel love without attraction. This is just a budding idea, but I'll put it out there. Maybe attraction is a subset of love? Like love can be a deep connection between two individuals, and attraction is just a particular form of that. I do think it often does lead to love, but I wouldn't say it's impossible for love to form without, especially with how varied people's experiences are, in, well, basically anything. I think this fits into the aromantic discourse by challenging our society's definition of love and expanding the ways people do, or don't, experience it. I think that it also aligns with the idea that one can enjoy romance while being aromantic, as in attraction isn't inherent in enjoying something. So, attraction isn't inherent in enjoying the deep connection of love.

2 hours ago, AroAcedragon13 said:

Hi, It's nice to meet you. I've been trying to get into the wings of fire series but I just haven't gotten very far with them yet but I like nightwings and icewings are cool too.

It's nice to meet you too! Yeah, nightwings are cool too. I also like the rainwing's ability to change colors. 

9 minutes ago, alto said:

I've seen The Good Place!

Yes! What did you think of it? The message of how anyone can learn to do good things given the right circumstances really formed my views on redemption and morality. 

26 minutes ago, Isa1116 said:

Hiiii I'm isa and it's nice to meet you! :)

I like basically all of those things too! :) I'm not good at philosophy or physics but I find them interesting. :)

Nice to meet you too! And that's awesome! I have a hard time with physics too but it's just so cool! And I love having deep philosophical discussions. It's so interesting to hear about other people's perspectives.

36 minutes ago, PumpkinsLinked said:

Omg, I haven't seen many others who watch the good place!! Good show taste :D Anyways!! I hope you enjoy it here!! I'm also kinda new, and I already love the site, so I hope you do too!! :D

Thank you!! :D

Hello everyone! I am new here on this forum.

You can call me Fox. I am nonbinary and use they/them pronouns. I'm aromantic asexual, non-partnering, and I enjoy close platonic friendships.

I love eating mangos and walking in the woods. My favorite book series is Wings of Fire! (Icewings are supreme) Some shows I like are Demon Slayer and The Good Place. I like philosophy, physics, astronomy, and I'm interested in studying sociology too!

I hope to meet new people and make friends here :)