Hirune

On 1/31/2022 at 7:44 PM, roboticanary said:

I think once you start thinking about something or being aware of something you tend to notice it a lot more.

So before I became aro the fact that so much media was romance focused didn't really occur to me. Now I am aware of this identity and am aware of ideas about the primacy of romance over other relations, singlism, that sort of thing it is different. I notice just how often romance turns up and just how often it is tired, cliché, almost as though it is there because people think it has to be there.

So it doesn't surprise me that after a year or so of that I am now nowhere near as comfortable with romantic fiction as I was before. 

Completely agree. I used to love watching romance anime and the like before I realised I was aro, but now I feel more and more repulsed by anything having to do with overly romantic things. I'm thinking perhaps I liked seeing the inticimacy I was longing for myself between the characters and unforuntately depictions of that are almost exclusive to the romance genre. Now that the curtain has been pulled back, like @roboticanarymentioned, I can no longer overlook the recurring problems that plague the genre and the concept of romance in general.

Personally I've not used them, but I'm kinda in the same boat where I can't really talk to other aro people irl so I can relate to your story. Those kinds of apps don't really seem like the place for aro people even though they might want to look for a (queerplatonic) partner. Also with the swiping, I've seen my friends use it and for them it was mostly about appearances, which while they can be pleasing isn't really a good indicator of well you'll get along as friends. If you're willing to be adventurous you could accept everyone who come across, maybe there'll be someone worth talking in there. Wanting to get to know people with the same orientation is totally natural, so I don't think you're overthinking anything. If you're okay if making purely online contacts, it's way easier to get to know all kinds of aro people around the world, though since I'm not really a super online person others on here would probably be more knowledgable about those kinds of online spaces.

For sure. Unfortunately one of my favourite songs has really amatonormative message in the first verse. It goes:

Wouldn't be too bad if it was just a personal experience or something like that, but the fact that stuff like this and constantly being shoved in your face in every single song kinda sucks. Thankfully there's also quite a few songs that aren't about romance or whatever, I actually made a playlist to compile the ones I really like lol.

Thank you all for the responses!

On 6/9/2021 at 6:39 AM, Blake said:

I am in your same boat, but slightly ahead. I graduated and now am entering into another step of my life. I want to pursue grad studies so it is not like I will leave college, but some of my close friends are entering into professional life so it is happening. 

It is very scary, because amatonormativity is very real even if allos do not see it or are not conscious of it. My words of encouragement are that, even though it's scary as hell, it is a natural process that would have happened even if you weren't aro. People move on with their life, but that doesn't mean its all over. It is up to you to determine if you want to continue to cultivate the bonds you have formed. 

Each week, try to make them do one activity together. Even if you aren't physically close, a call or playing an online game together helps a lot. My friends and I separate 2-3 hours per Friday or Sunday to see anime or series. You can do something like that, and customize it to your groups of friends.

Maybe it will be hard, and some may give up on it, but don't let it put you down. Continue to try, and it isn't like you will not meet new people in this new step of your life ^^ new people are scary but you may find great friends within them. 

Changes will happen, and it is good to be prepared for them, but don't let it stress you out too much. Talk with your friends, and together come with a plan. I believe is possible, even with allos. Make them see that friendship is just as fulfilling as relationships, because both are valid and there is no hierarchy.

I'm actually just finishing up my master's so I know what you're talking about. It's not the same once you don't follow the same courses anymore right. Like you mentioned, I think many allo people aren't aware or don't care because they pursue romantic partners, which is why I try to talk about it more openly with my friends to make them realise. Even when someone is in a romantic relationship I still think friendships are important and I hope they (will start to) feel the same way. Having regular meetings sounds like a good idea! I hope you can meet lots of new people through your studies btw ^^

On 6/9/2021 at 12:47 PM, mewix said:

While I never had many friends (I think out of everyone I only talk to one person from back at university and thats someone I got to know from a society XD)

I guess the general idea is though to get involved in lots of things and broaden your circle. Even if they don't become ur immediate friends just getting out there is important I think.

I think though good friends do make quality time for each other even while in relationships tho it depends on how much they can take, how they organise things. And even if things quieten out have opportunities to reestablish contact. Having breaks is okay. Not everyone just locks themselves away with their romantic partner or only wants to talk to other couples, and I think its unhealthy if u give 100 per cent attention to one relationship especially to think what if it goes wrong?

I mean lots of older adults do have friends too which they meet up regularly. And there are always single ppl who are often much more involved in their community, people go up and down and cycle through relationships. 

I don't think however just spending time alone sometimes is bad, it's kinda nice to be alone with your thoughts or go in nature. 

I completely agree with your way of thinking. I'm definitely thinking about joining multiple sports or social clubs once I get into the workplace. Having friends with a similar mindset would be great, but unfortunately I feel not many of my friends have seriously considered the significance of platonic relationships before. As I said I'm gonna try to put in the work and share my viewpoint with them more. Still, I'd love to have a few people in my life who share the same orientation as me so we could see eye to eye more naturally like this.

2 hours ago, Holmbo said:

I think it's good you're thinking about this. I agree that we must reflect more on what we need since there are no frames for us to go by.

How do you feel about coliving with others? Is that an option where you live and something you'd be open to? That could be a good way for you to ensure you have friendships close by.

Thank you for hearing me. Many people I talk to irl tell me I'm worrying too much or being to dramatic when discussing this topic, when for me it's only natural to think more about how to manage the social relationships in the future like you say. As far as cohabitation goes, I'm probably forced to get a roommate either way because of the economic situation in my country, there's not really an option to completely live alone. Having said that, unless it's with a serious life partner or something like that, I wouldn't want to move in with any of my friends. This is because I'm worried our relationship might sour through increased interactions and daily annoyances. I'd rather someone who's a roommate from the start than one of my friends also becoming a roommate if that makes sense lol. It's like when you travel with someone you're more likely to get into fights and irrated with each other, I'd like to avoid that with my current friends. Do you live with others by any chance?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my social life after college. Right now I have a large group of fun friends that I can hang out with almost daily, which is awesome but I'm starting to realise that probably won't last. After moving on from college and into a professional life, I know the contact with many of them will decrease and it'll become much harder to meet frequently... Not only that, I'm worried some will raise the bar even higher by prioritising their romantic partners over me. Since I don't fare well with few social interactions and feel lonely easily I'm afraid I'll be too reliant on those friends that I'll still be able to meet more often. Ideally, my social situation would stay as is with a network of friends physically close to me though I know that's not really realistic. I'm sure that instead of contuining to grow or staying the same, my social circle is only going to get smaller.

Although this isn't a direct problem at the moment, I think it's important to be aware of that fact looking forward. I know what kind of problem I might be facing and what my ideal situation for me is, I'm just lost thinking about how I can build a fullfilling social life after me and my friends from college start moving on into the next stage. Because I've chosen to not live my life according to the norm, I feel like there's no framework or examples to learn from. That's why I wanted ask for your thoughts. Knowing very few aro people it's difficult to discuss this with my friends. One of my fears is to become too emotionally reliant on only a few people especially if they're alloromantic. Now that I'm a comfortable situation I want to look ahead so I can anticipate and prevent such a scenario for their sake as well as my own.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How do you navigate your social life after college? Do you have any advice for building and retaining a strong social network as an adult? Let's talk about it.

Some questions you can ask yourself that might help you figure something out: have you ever felt like you wanted to be in a romantic relationship with someone before this situation? What aspects of romantic relationships make you uncomfortable and why, and what aspects do you think you'd enjoy? Would you be satisfied fulfilling those needs with close friends or with a romantic partner? In any case, only you can decide what identity best fits you, your feelings are what's important. Also, I hope can preserve friendship even if you have to turn them down. Good luck ^^

I feel you so much. I just want to feel understood, not just "accepted". The fact that the identity is pretty much invisible outside of the people who directly identify with one of the aromantic or asexual oreintations doesn't help. Honestly, it's painful to hear close friend after close friend and family member after family member completely misunderstand and miss the mark when they're trying to be supportive to me. Just now when trying to explain my  (aromantic) feelings, one of my close family members compared my experience to someone expriencing depression (a medical illness) and it was really discouraging. No matter how many times I try to explain or make the people close to me understand, I am confronted time and time again with the wall between us even when they're trying to be accepting. I know they want to make me feel better about myself and my identity, but their words have the opposite effect and I feel more isolated from them than before trying to open up. It sucks because I know many of them are in general accepting of differen't sexual(/romantic) orientations... If only aromanticsm was explored more in the public eye, people would at least have an idea of what kind of experiences aromantic people deal with. Forgive me for the rant, but I wanted to get this off my chest.