geckoco

I can't be sure, but if she's really accepting of LGBT+ identities, then she sounds like the kind of person who would be horrified to find out she had misstepped and was misidentifying you. You can try to look at it as "the siblings' responsibility" if that makes it easier, or you can talk about it with them if you're close. If none of you want kids nor want to adopt/foster, then that's kind of just how it has to be. Your mom can always foster if she really wants to feel like a grandparent, or she could volunteer/work elsewhere where kids are involved (I like the parks & rec departments). Community grandmas are really well loved! Either way: It is not your responsibility to provide comfort to someone at your own expense. As for trying to prepare yourself to come out - should you ever choose to, not that you have to - what I did was prepare a bunch of collected things that others had tried to describe. I suck at explaining myself without confusing matters more, so using the words of others helps me. You can start to drop the term in whenever a conversation like that comes up to test the waters on what she thinks. Like if kids come up again, you can say, "yeah, I'm thinking about it. But did you know there is this group of people who don't have those relationships?" Usually it can come up pretty organically and a lot more tactfully than that, but that's sort of an idea. It's still fuzzy for me and my parents, they seem to sort of forget that I came out? Pretty sure they still expect something to come of my personal relationships, but then again, they've never pushed for grandkids, so it's different for me. But be a little noncommittal, then swerve the topic to something related to your ideals. You might even be able to redirect her thinking process like that. If she's really proud of you enough to mom brag, then your accomplishments should get her through her old age without add-ons (children). If she loves you as she seems to, she will be proud of you for who you are, not what you provide her. She will want to correct herself, and yes maybe overcorrect in the process, but parents are not always right. It's sad to say that if she doesn't accept you, things will change. That is unfortunately an outcome you should prepare for, but from my limited perspective, I don't think you have much to worry about. Take it as slow or fast as you need, introduce the topic at your pace. It's a big leap to make, but either you land safely on the other side, or you have a solid base to pick yourself up from again. You can try spending some time imagining worst case and best case scenarios, really go whole hog: "If I come out and she rejects me, it signals the start of the apocalypse and I command the horde of demons." "If I come out and she accepts me, it signals a new era of peace and prosperity and I solve the world's problems." Then find the middle ground and see what's most likely for you. Honestly, things probably won't change much, but you'll have the ability to use your discomfort as an upfront reason to stop certain topics. Only come out if it's for your own sake, and if you never come out, I would recommend some boundaries on those topics. It may feel untrue, but even saying, "I'm focusing on [my career] right now and talking about family matters is distracting to me," is a perfectly valid way to cut out the convo that makes you uncomfortable. If this helps at all and you'd like to keep talking, feel free to let me know! Otherwise good luck!

I agree with Erederyn. I am extremely lonely as well, but I'm trying to modify my thinking to "why does the world insist on me changing and not society?" But I absolutely feel everything you said. It sucks. I don't feel any close relationship with pretty much anyone, but I want to. I want someone to take care of me, someone I can feel for, but it's not been happening and it's possible it never will. While modifying your thinking is not going to be a quick fix, it will help in the long run. In the meantime, I'm sure this community will be here for you when you need it.

Oof, sounds like a manipulative one. I think you did the right thing there. But if he's still following you, sounds like a potential stalker. Hope you stay safe! I've written up a draft of something to send to Jack and I'll try to get it sent out soon. Why are personal relationships so difficult? Thanks very much to both of you for commenting!

Hey there, other newbie here! I agree with GhostyPeppers. I wanted to bring to light the identity of cupioromantic, which is the first label I assigned myself. When I saw that label's definition, I cried. "Cupioromantics have a desire to be in a romantic relationship, despite not feeling romantic attraction." I desperately want to be in a romantic relationship, I love reading slash fics that are heavy on comfortable romantic partnerships, but the only time someone I might have considered a possible partner said they had a crush on me, I shut down. It's obviously different for everybody, as you are no doubt well aware, but hopefully a little more light on a different edge of the topic helps. And because it always bears repeating, aro is a broad umbrella term that may not yet include your label, so you may be the person who brings a new label into being under it! It's not fun to feel alone in your identity, so keep exploring. Maybe you find something that suits you, maybe you don't. Do you have any specific quesitons?

Hey there, I'm new here, but I don't know any other aro people personally and am looking for a community that "gets it." Ready for my life drama of the past year? Long post is long, but I could really use some commiseration, advice, and/or insight if you're willing! So I went through all my life without ever having had any person confess to a crush on me. Then at the beginning of 2020, right before I turned 27, my best male friend - let's call him Adam - said he respected my identity, but to be more comfortable himself, he needed to tell me that he thought he had a crush on me. I thought I understood, I knew he wasn't asking for anything in return, and I thought I could handle it like an adult. I've seen hundreds of shitty movies where the people don't communicate and the relationship crumbles, but I wouldn't be like that. I told Adam, "it might be weird for a little while, but I think we can still be friends. I might act funny." Well, I've basically stopped talking to him, and I don't know why. He's been extremely respectful and took full steps back, even really just waiting for me to reach out. I thought I was getting better about it, but it's very hard to actually bring myself to talk to him. Even better is the fact that he's a coworker, so once we actually get back into the office after the pandemic, I'll probably see him in the halls. Maybe the isolation is part of it? Now comes the kicker. In place of Adam, I started talking with another male coworker, maybe 10-15 years older than me, married with a 7-ish year old child. Let's call him Jack. Things were pretty good, I had someone to talk to who wasn't Adam and still liked the things I liked, so I should be safe to figure myself out. Sure, Jack has some issues and comes to me with a lot of negative thoughts looking for reassurance, but not everybody has had a chance to see the world more broadly. Well, at the end of the summer, I'm having trouble remembering when now, maybe September? A topic came up at work and it got me to confess to being queer to Jack. He was curious because Straight White Man (tm), and I tried to define aromanticism for him. I even related the story about Adam and how I was having trouble being normal around him. I had been oblivious and I had panicked when something was said. And then Jack says, "I have a question but I'm afraid to ask it." Ah. The aro question. Alright, shoot, dude. I'd rather you ask me these questions where I can teach you about this and try not to be offended. He says something like, "So, hypothetically, say I thought I might have been developing feelings but since I didn't see any indications of them being returned, I was going to move on and now that it's out there we can go back to normal and pretend it never happened haha hypothetically...?" And I just..... What do I do? We have a work chat where I've seen a message from him show up in my notifications, and I just get so anxious. I can't even work normally any more because I'm afraid that I'll have to interact with Jack in some way that will make me uncomfortable I guess? I'm having a hard time parsing out why it's so complicated to deal with. Adam has been great, backing off and being respectful when a work question did come up, and I tried to explain to him at some point that I knew my silence was probably hurtful, apologized, and thanked him for his patience. Jack is trying to be as normal as possible, and maybe that helped at first? But it came to a head at the beginning of December and I just shut down. I haven't read or responded to a message from him directly in a month at this point. I sometimes feel like Jack sees me as an emotional release, someone who actually listens and understands (damn you, empathy) and that he is putting feelings where they don't exist because he's found validation? I'm trying to type up a message to him explaining the gist of why I've been quiet and hope it helps. But he's part of my D&D group so now I'm worried that if I tell him, "hey, for some reason I would rather not speak to only you in chat messages now, but if we're in a group it's better," that he'll get hurt or pissed or something. Not really all that likely I don't think, but still. The anxiety is there. Could I be romance repulsed only when someone has directed feelings at me? That's a general subset of aromanticism I think I've seen. I don't want to totally cut off friendships with either of these people, but I don't know how to go back to consistent messaging without going through a really uncomfortable phase first. Have any of you had some sort of similar experience? How do you maintain a friendship with someone who had feelings for you? I have never had the chance to create coping mechanisms for myself about this. Disclaimer: neither of these men is in a position of power over me, nor are they the kind of people who would seek revenge for being snubbed/hurt/etc. I do not feel unsafe with them, just like I'm walking on eggshells trying to spare their feelings I guess. And maybe that's actually the crux of it? Thanks for reading, friends. All discussions welcome, and please ask for clarification on any point. I know I have a tendency to compact my meaning into indecipherability.