I thought this was really cool and liked getting to see all the creativity in the arospec community. I managed to throw together a submission for it o the last day lol ?

2 hours ago, SirBeastling said:

@Apex So, I was wondering about fictoromanticism. I don't believe I am like that, but during my mental health crisis a few years ago, I had a psychosis event where I believed in this fictional world. It's a long story, but I imagined having lived a life with someone fictional. I made her up in my head based off a book I was writing at the time. I don't know how much of it was romantically inclined, other than a moment where I thought I had kissed this fictional character, and the hand holdy stuff.

Outside of the psychosis, which broke thankfully, I don't have an attraction to fictional characters. Things just are. My OCD brain is a little obsessed about sex, but there is no want involved, I think. It is more like living a nightmare in my head when the obsessions come.

Anyway, does this sound like fictoromanticism, or was my brain just playing tricks on me?

I would say no. Ficto people have a history of attraction to characters, it's not typically a one-time thing. Fictosexuality/romanticism also isn't related to psychosis. The vast majority of ficto people know that the characters they like aren't real, and a good portion of them are just having fun. Some do believe the characters exist in another universe, but that they can't interact.

For me, it's an important part of myself but also something that I treat more or less like a hobby. My brain doesn't play any tricks on me in regards to how real the characters/worlds/etc are. So to me it sounds like your experience was more related to the psychosis than fictoromanticism

Agreed with others here, your understanding of romance doesn't dictate how aro you are.

I experience romantic attraction towards fictional characters, and to a point that helps me understand what the big fuss is about because I can actually look to my own feelings.

Some things about IRL romance can still be confusing though, like the drama nisse mentioned. Or how some people hold dating in such high regard but are also shallow/petty with it. So yeah one's comprehension of romance is rarely black-or-white (even for alloro people, I presume)

God I'm not demi (at least I don't think) but this is super relatable. I hate how hookups don't do much for me, and are almost painful to set up because I'm not actually attracted to the other person. I think I'd be more comfortable with a sexual relationship that involves close bonds/commitment, but I'm aro, sooooo

Aro people can have close bonds obvs, it's just difficult to find people who would want that type of relationship. I've tried to put out "let's get to know each other and maybe become fwb" ads before, but the people who answer seem to think that "get to know each other" means "have 2 conversations over Discord"

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First, is it all right to not be happy immediately if I turn out to be aromantic?

Yes. I've known I was aromantic for about a decade, and there are still times where I dislike it. Society pushes amatonormativity on us & goes out of its way to remind us how wonderful romance can be- and that we're incomplete without it. At the same time, it's understandable to look at romance and mourn the aspects of it that you feel you can't have/experience as an aro person.

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Second, can I still like romance and be aromantic? 

Certainly, there are lots of aromantic people who enjoy the concept of romance & romance in fiction.

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Fourth, what is really the difference between a romantic relationship and a queerplatonic relationship?

Honestly I think the exact definition will depend on who you ask. For me, a QPR is a committed relationship that doesn't involve romantic feelings/attraction. I can see myself living with a QP partner, being intimate with them, sharing my life with them, combining assets, etc, in ways that may look "romantic" from the outside.

Heyy fellow ficto person here ?

I don't know if I'm aego (still trying to figure out how I feel about probably being ace-spec), but the majority of my kinks and sexuality are kept to fantasy. I don't typically seek out interactions with others though I'm not repulsed by it.

I have quite a few kinks lol, though I'm not rly comfortable sharing my fantasies. But they usually involve either 1) myself and characters I ship with, or 2) just random people my brain makes up and I'm not involved at all.

I do also have romantic (or vaguely affectionate/QP) fantasies about characters I like.

For relationships, you might be interested in concepts like queerplatonic relationships (QPRs):

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A committed non-romantic relationship that goes beyond what is the subjective cultural norm for a friendship. Levels of intimacy and/or behaviors between the partners involved often don’t fit the conventional standards set by society. Some QPRs can include sex and elements that are generally considered romantic. In practice every queerplatonic relationship is different. Abbreviated to QPR, and queerplatonic (quasiplatonic) partner to QPP. Another common word for QPP used to be zucchini.

- AUREA

And romo-aro:

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Describes a person who is on the aromantic spectrum and experiences romantic attraction in some way or who desires/is in a romantic relationship. Stands for “romantic aromantic.”

- AUREA

"Partnering" and "amorous" are other terms in the aro community you might find helpful! And, apparently adfecturomantic /affecturomantic is a term for someone whose orientation is affected by neurodivergency.

I also consider myself "cold" lol. Or "inert". My affect can be flat, I very much enjoy things like company and cohabitation but find it difficult to become attached to others, I don't form strong emotionally-driven opinions as often as others. I can be disinterested in things/people that I "should" have some type of feelings over. I do attribute this to neurodivergency (not quite sure what type though) and I believe it does contribute to me being aro. But being neurodivergent and aromantic are aso tied up in a few other things, so I'm not sure I can offer experiences that stem from just neurodivergency- it's all difficult to tease apart ?

But I know I'd also like a QPR or some type of committed relationship. I see "secondary/tertiary partner in a polycule" as another potential option, and probably the only option where I could see myself partnering with an alloromantic person.

I think for many people, a big component of gender expression is gender perception, i.e. how others see them. A woman may prefer to dress in a feminine manner because it outwardly expresses "I'm a woman!" to others, and that makes her happy. A woman who dresses masculinely might not connect clothes to gender in the same way, and might have other ways to express her womanhood. Or maybe dressing like that makes her feel connected to her own sense of womanhood in a "fuck gender roles, I can wear what I want" sort of way.

For myself, I dress pretty femininely but I don't really connect it to my gender- I'm not trying to "look like a woman" when I wear skirts and eye shadow. I'm just trying to look like me :p

So, identity and expression are different but there can be a strong association between them, and that association or lack thereof depends on the person.

As an aro I can def relate to getting close with people who were interested in me romantically, and then cutting them off due to discomfort

And I also agree that thinking someone is pretty and wanting to hug them isn't necessarily romantic. Do you also have the desire to date these people? If someone like this expressed romantic interest in you, how do you think you would feel? If they wanted to hug or be close to you specifically as a form of romantic bonding/expression, would you still be comfortable with it?

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But also I like romance in fiction and even in daydreams... I don't know, I'm confused

This is actually somewhat common among arospec people. You can enjoy romantic movies, love songs, etc. and still be aromantic. Personally I can get crushes on fictional characters and will daydream about them, but I've never had feelings like that IRL.

There's a lot of merch with aro colors and designs that aren't overtly aro. Personally I don't like pride merch that says "aromantic" on it; I have the aro pin from this set, the aro print from this set, and this shirt currently. You can find a lot of other pins, stickers, etc like these on sites like Etsy and Redbubble.

If her parents know what the flag looks like, then maybe something with shades of green, or something green and white? Yellow roses (symbolizing friendship) can also be used as an aro symbol.

I drink, mainly white wine and mixed drinks. And I try to drink in moderation (a glass of wine a night for a few days in a row, or 2-3 on a weekend). Though there are a handful of times where I had too much :p

I like feeling tipsy, but about half the time alcohol just makes me tired/groggy.

I'm not sure to what extent I feel platonic love but I do think there are different types. For example I love my parents, but that's a lot different than the bonds I have with my friends. My roommates and I are close friends and our lives are pretty intertwined due to us living together, but my feelings towards them are different than my feelings towards squishes, because from what I've observed my squishes involved a level of platonic attraction that isn't present in other relationships.

Hypothetically if one of my roommates and I decided to live together long-term, I think I'd be OK with that because we have a good relationship and live together well. But I doubt I'd develop a squish on her.

I'm casually out- if someone asked if I was aro, I'd say yes. Most friends know through me talking about it or through my online profiles. I typically mention it in, say, Discord server intros as well.

Other friends may not directly know that I'm aro, but they know I'm a-spec or uninterested in some way. I haven't told my parents outside of saying that I've never been attracted to anyone. I'm not really "out" at school/work but I do have an aro pin on my backpack.

So, I don't really feel the need to come out but the info isn't hard to find.

14 hours ago, aro_elise said:

don't like it.  if the other person sees it as romantic, like with my ex-bf, it's very uncomfortable for me.

This, too. Cuddling becomes way more uncomfortable for me if the other person is viewing it as romantic. Or if they don't know I'm aro, because then they might be expecting some mutual "spark" which isn't gonna happen

I agree with sol, people who are very "into" pride are typically fighting back against marginalization and practicing self-love. I do think sometimes people get attached to the sense of identity/community and are very excited about being queer because of that, but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

However, I do personally feel very separated and isolated from the larger queer community because I can't relate to that sense of pride (or "feeling gay" or "gay/bi culture"). I don't hate myself, I just... don't have the same experiences, I guess?

In terms on aromanticism alone, I do have a fair bit of pride and consider it an important part of my identity, because it affects many parts of my life and is very enmeshed with other parts of myself. (Although due to what I mentioned above, I have trouble turning my personal aro pride into a sense of queer pride).

I don't have a lot of experience, but I think it depends.

I can definitely relate to liking the idea of cuddling more than the reality. I'm a selfshipper and I love thinking about cuddling my comfort characters, so I assumed I'd be into cuddling irl but... meh? I'm pretty touch-neutral and it turns out that cuddling/hugging doesn't do much for me. I've cuddled with hookups and felt Nothing, and it was weird and awkward because it seemed like the other person was enjoying it. I've talked to people online wanted to see me irl for cuddles (or "cuddles" idk lol), which ended up being uncomfortable and confusing.

Being close with very good friends is nice but I haven't cuddled them so I can't say how it would feel. If I had a partner/qpp I think I'd like to cuddle them- maybe not for the tactile feelings, but for the knowledge that we're there for each-other?

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Also I don’t think most guy are into cuddling, at least my straight friends would not at all feel comfortable lmao.... Its a social stigma I suppose, and dudes usually like competing with video games, and the like and not being intimate like this. 

Everyone is different and societal pressure & stereotypes definitely play a role. There are a lot of guys who enjoy cuddling, they just don't get as many opportunities.

This looks awesome!

I'm partial to the aardvark, because of the aromanticaardvark tumblr and the old aro-plane forums mascot. It was The aro animal for a good bit there

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with either monogamy or nonmonogamy. Different things work for different people, both can be healthy or unhealthy, etc etc.

I have very little relationship experience so I can't say for sure which I'd prefer, but I've entertained the idea of both and am open to both. Usually when I think about being in a relationship though, it's a monogamous one. Forming strong bonds is rare for me, and can take a long time, so it's unlikely that it would happen with multiple people at once. I've also had jealousy issues in the past and there's a chance that would hinder me being in a polyam setup. I also don't feel the need to have more than one partner.

But, certain aspects of nonmonogamy are appealing to me. I like the concept of loving and being affectionate with multiple people, and it also seems like it'd be less pressure on me. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't entertained the idea of being someone's second/secondary partner because it might be the most likely way for me to find a QPR.

Also not an expert, but it sounds like you've already brought up the idea to her and she sounds unsure? If it's something that both of you want to look into more, maybe go through a list of things commonly found in relationships (e.g., "holding hands", "saying 'I love you'", "getting married") and rate how important each item is to you, then compare. This way you can see how similar your needs/wants in a relationship are without necessarily labelling anything as romantic or platonic. Also maybe ask her to describe what she means by "cookie-cutter romantic relationship". Does she want someone to be in love with her romantically, or just want to do a lot of romance-coded things like go on fancy dates?

You may both find that you'd be pretty compatible in a QPR (or a mixed QP-romantic relationship). But it's also possible that her needs are different than yours and that a "more"-than-friends relationship wouldn't work out.

It sounds like you care a lot about her and maybe have a squish on her. It doesn't sound like you're in love though.

Agreed with the above. I think a merge with AVEN should only happen if there are no alternatives. I think it's nice that Arocalypse would keep it's own "space"/rules/etc. but I'd really rather it not be a sister site to AVEN, since aromanticism is still treated like a sub-category of asexuality by a lot of people.

Welcome! 

Welcome 

I like hot showers, or lukewarm/cool if it's hot out. I tried taking cool showers regularly for a bit and liked it, but switched back to hot eventually lol.