Inez

I am a romantic woman, live together with my (recently discovered aromantic) partner for 11 years and we have three children. Although our relationship has had a couple of serious crises, as far as the upbringing of our children is concerned we're totally in one line. What would you like to know specifically @ChimChim?

@eatingcroutons Thank you so much for your reaction and for coming into my defense. You totally understood my primary reactions to this new fact in my life and my purpose in joining this community. ? From the initial shock (yes, romantic love means a lot to me), I now want to get to know my partner better in his essence and be able to help us achieve a more transparent and honest relationship. I'm sure we'll both be happier. I joined the community to get straightforward advice, criticism and some enlightenment on how to move forward in creating new meaning in our relationship. The comments I have so far in this thread ( @NullVector, @Jot-Aro Kujo @nonmerci ) and in my introduction ( @Cristal Gris ) have helped me align thoughts and ideas. And I'm also grateful to them. Have a great weekend everyone!

That's a great help! Thanks a lot!!

Thanks for your feedback! It is of most importance for me at the moment to understand aro's perspectives. Joining a romantic community would not give me a lot of answers at the moment. No, I'm not happy in this relationship and it would probably just me wise to break it up. But we have 13 years in common, and most importantly, three children. You don't just walk out of someone's life before working hard on all the scenarios. At least that's how I see things. And we have our harmony at the moment, it's not that I'm living an unbearable situation. And yes, I would love to be able to work with him on another form of relationship, a more honest one. The ongoing faking of all connection moments just drives me crazy. I'm assuming he's aro after knowing him quite well (as you can imagine) and having checked the literature. He hasn't come out and it's probably not ethical for me to assume he's aromantic. Experience tells me sometimes people themselves prefer not to see their own reality, it's just more convenient, whereas close people knew it all along. That's what happens to some gay man, for instance. Years later, they will assume their own nature and identity. Take care and let me know if something else pops your mind.

Hi Cristal Gris, Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. You're absolutely right.. I'm not the one who's pulling him out the closet! Ridiculous indeed. But I somehow thought we could start investigating everything about aromanticism together but he's finding 100 other things to do in the evening. All along, I was the one who was frustrated in the relationship. I was the one going after answers to why this relationship was not making me a happy and fulfilled woman although I loved him. I was determined not to run away from him but to understand my own dynamics as a someone who didn't have a healthy emotional upbringing. I learnt a lot along the way. The relationship got better with the years but there was still something in the essence that I couldn't understand. I didn't feel intimately connected with him, although we are the best companions. 'Funny' how he never talked about 'making love' but always about 'having sex'. Until the day I got a love declaration from an old friend/crunch. It made me shake. I told him about this and he reacted as if I had told him the mail hadn't been delivered. This made me think.. And I started searching on internet. I was the one finding out about the term, yes. I immediately understood our dynamics from day 1. Please let me know if you have any other comment to our situation. Be as direct as you can, it can only help me/us. Thanks in advance. Have a good day, Inez

Hi everyone, The title says it all. After being on a relationship over 10 years (with children) with quite a few unanswered questions, I finally found out that the man I've been with is aromantic. I was relieved to finally have found the answer to most of my dilemmas (long story.. but includes depression, psychotherapy and couple therapy). I'm still in the research phase, gathering information and reading the posts of this wonderful forum. I still haven't figured out what this discovery will do to our relationship. He's the most amazing man, companion and dad. But honestly I never felt a true connection with him as a woman, feel lonely and this worries me also for the future. What puzzles me the most at the moment is the fact that he recognizes the ABCs of aromanticism but doesn't want to go into much detail. He says he loves me and that is all that matters. I'm afraid he prefers to stay 'in the closet'. I do feel his love but it is as if I'm an old college friend with benefits. Any advice on the discussions I should join, are much appreciated.

I'm very grateful for all your comments. You have helped me a lot on turning the picture around and seeing the other side of the story. I do hope the fact that we discovered aromanticism can bring a new insight into our relationship. We respect each other enormously, have a similar perspective on a lot of things, including the upbringing of our children. Yes, we've been together for 13 years but it hasn't been easy. I always felt incomplete and not loved as a woman/wife/partner. It's hard to find out what's going on when your partner thinks we have the perfect relationship and doesn't engage on any self-assessment or investigation on what could be wrong. I fell into a depression, was on therapy for about a year, we did couple therapy, I put my career on second place because I wanted to save our family. He now acknowledges that he faked romantic situations but in his heart he believes the whole world does it (some better than others). I now have the feeling that my partner loves me like you would love an old college good friend. He's aware of the impact of knowing about aromanticism has had on me (I finally have found the key!) and he's reacting in a romantic way which I find weird. He's texting me more often, sends hearts, kisses me more that he would before. But he's not really interested in diving into the topic although he recognizes himself in the term. I realize this might not be the group to post my comments. Sorry for that. If any more experienced community member has a suggestion for another discussion, I'm very appreciated.

After being in a relationship of 13 years (and three kids) I just found out my partner is aromantic. All pieces came together when I finally discovered what an aromantic is. All along, my aromantic partner has felt sexually attracted to me but he was never in love. It's quite devastating although I always felt we were some kind of housemates with benefits. He's aware of my discovery and getting more interested in the topic as he's seeing himself in all the definitions. Anyone experienced with this sort of situations? Thanks for your help.