420.seven

1 hour ago, Prismatangle said:

Anyway, the point of linking these is just this: when posting on a forum like this, please try to consider how other trauma survivors reading this might feel to hear you publicly debating about whether your ex's trauma has caused him to [blank]. It can be triggering, upsetting, bothersome, or just mildly annoying, depending on the person and how they're doing in the moment that they read it. It may cause people to doubt whether they're aromantic or not all over again, and that's no fun. I don't think anyone should blame themselves for wondering about this, because wondering is perfectly natural, I just would advise people to avoid bringing it up as much as possible, because at best it can't be answered, and at worst, it can remind people of their own trauma and how people have tried to use that against them.

@Prismatangle Yes. I understand that and making people feel this way is not my intention. I was just thinking about it because he described himself as mentally unstable and then mentioned if he can get his life and emotions together then maybe later we can reconnect. So he confused me. I don't like talking about the future. But, at the time I didn't understand why he wanted to push me away and said he didn't want/could handle a connection but then talk about the possibilities for later/not the right time.

I know he can only explain this to me. But as you said, processing it is important and there is so much and many angles. 

If I offended anyone with my questioning it was not my intent and I apologize.

@Prismatangle well...it was a very loaded situation. but time in space is what is needed right now for both. I really need to reflect and that is why I am here. Beyond his aro side, he often described how he doesn't feel emotions (not only love) but happiness, sadness, etc. He said that he doesn't feel them like "normal" if he does at all. - what he said seemed related to alexithymia. So... I think there are more things and that he could be scared of the feelings that come along with a queerplatonic relationship because he is generally unable to identify his emotions. Which put this on a whole other level of complicated. But - regardless I cared and STILL care for him deeply and my empathy is at a level that I've never had before with anyone. It, in fact, scares me a bit. And I hope the support from this forum can help me process and learn.

I know that being aromantic is personal and that not all people experience the same way. However, I am curious if there are people that identify as ARO that don't like/cannot handle emotional intimacy and if there are ARO people that do like it?

Also, I can curious if being aromantic affects your ability to handle the emotions of the other people (positive and negative ones) that are directed towards you. For example, appreciation, anger...etc. NOT romantic emotions.

@Coyote So is this person saying that knowing in the start would have helped. I don't know if he even knows about how it can be a whole spectrum. I told him I was demiromantic and he didn't know what it was although he identified at aromantic - maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that many of the resources are in English. I am American and he is German. When I realized I wanted him in my life I started researching on my own. I think knowing things would have helped but there were many other factors that could have influenced our separation. Such as unhappiness with current life path (both of us)

I will share what I wrong in another post about the situation. It was a post about mental illness and aromanticism 

I wrote this "

Yes - I have been wondering this as well. I had a person in my life who identified as ARO. But also suffered from childhood neglect and he described himself as emotionally unstable and not being able to feel his emotions (happiness, sadness, excitement) and if he did he said he did feel it in a normal way.

I personally don't think this side of him has to do with being aro because romantic people can also be emotionally unstable but... 

I haven't seen many places where it is talked about. I know romantic people can have fears of being emotionally close and intimate with people/vulnerability (friends/family/ etc..)

So I wonder if it could be the same for an ARO person when they have a queerplatonic relationship/connection?

I am asking this because he told me that the way he feels his emotions and how he generally doesn't feel things has affected his relationships with people including his friends. To me, it seems like there was a little alexithymia there but...I feel that could be completely independent of being aro...

I just think all humans can problems with being vulnerable and emotional closeness.

Outcome:

He ended up pushing me away because he couldn't handle/wasn't ready the connection between us.

He shut down/stop communication and out of my care for him I gave him what he said he wanted and I walked away.

But I feel like...

I lost a friend."

Please let me know if you are open to talking about it."

So maybe us knowing about queerplatonic COULD have helped but those relationships still offer a connection and a form of emotional intimacy that.... in the end, it seems like he couldn't deal. 

@Coyote also feel free to message me - I am new to all of this and I don't really have anyone to talk to about my situation because usually, I would talk to him about it. But I am giving it the same and time that it needs because it is the right thing to do.

On 2/13/2019 at 10:43 PM, NotHeartless said:

To add a little different perspective also:
I tend to be emotional instable (I show some significant symptoms of borderline) and there is the assumption people with borderline are extremely afraid of losing someone and basically live in symbiosis with their significant other. While I do tend to feel intense about my friendships and do suffer (a lot) when I lose a close friend, I still don't fall in love and don't like the whole idea of exclusive (romantic) relationships.
Which seems rare for someone with BPD (I swear you have no idea how many articles and books I have read about the disorder where it's all about the relationship to a romantic partner).
I know this isn't exactly what you asked @yester but I want to illustrate you can have a mental condition and still be aro. With other mental conditions it can get really complicated to tell apart if you feel the way you feel because of mental health or because you are just that way - it's your orientation.
But either way it's important to accept oneself and I personally don't make a difference in what the exact cause for e.g. aromanticism is. As long as you don't suffer because of it (which is a safe sign something is wrong) I don't consider it as something you need to stress yourself about it. Just take care in general.

Yes - I have been wondering this as well. I had a person in my life who identified as ARO. But also suffered from childhood neglect and he described himself as emotionally unstable and not being able to feel his emotions (happiness, sadness, excitement) and if he did he said he did feel it in a normal way.

I personally don't think this side of him has to do with being aro because romantic people can also be emotionally unstable but... 

I haven't seen many places where it is talked about. I know romantic people can have fears of being emotionally close and intimate with people/vulnerability (friends/family/ etc..)

So I wonder if it could be the same for an ARO person when they have a queerplatonic relationship/connection?

I am asking this because he told me that the way he feels his emotions and how he generally doesn't feel things has affected his relationships with people including his friends. To me, it seems like there was a little alexithymia there but...I feel that could be completely independent of being aro...

I just think all humans can problems with being vulnerable and emotional closeness.

Outcome:

He ended up pushing me away because he couldn't handle/wasn't ready the connection between us.

He shut down/stop communication and out of my care for him I gave him what he said he wanted and I walked away.

But I feel like...

I lost a friend.

I am demiromantic/sexual but I have trust issues and relationship anxiety and to me, this has nothing to do with my orientation but with my life experiences.

Any advise/insight would be appreciated. 

Yes - I have been wondering this as well. I had a person in my life who identified as ARO. But also suffered from childhood neglect and he described himself as emotionally unstable and not being able to feel his emotions (happiness, sadness, excitement) and if he did he said he did feel it in a normal way.

I personally don't think this side of him has to do with being aro because romantic people can also be emotionally unstable but... 

I haven't seen many places where it is talked about. I know romantic people can have fears of being emotionally close and intimate with people/vulnerability (friends/family/ etc..)

So I wonder if it could be the same for an ARO person when they have a queerplatonic relationship/connection?

I am asking this because he told me that the way he feels his emotions and how he generally doesn't feel things has affected his relationships with people including his friends. To me, it seems like there was a little alexithymia there but...I feel that could be completely independent of being aro...

I just think all humans can problems with being vulnerable and emotional closeness.

Outcome:

He ended up pushing me away because he couldn't handle/wasn't ready the connection between us.

He shut down/stop communication and out of my care for him I gave him what he said he wanted and I walked away.

But I feel like...

I lost a friend.

I am demiromantic/sexual but I have trust issues and relationship anxiety and to me, this has nothing to do with my orientation but with my life experiences.

Any advise/insight would be appreciated. 

On 2/10/2019 at 6:01 AM, running.tally said:

It's OK to ask this question.  Forums like these are the perfect place to ask potentially uncomfortable things.

 

This has actually been talked about before, somewhere... I'm not sure it's been talked about on these forums but I've definitely seen conversations about it on Tumblr and other social media. There are many aro folks here (myself included) who have a mental illness and/or are neurodivergent, disabled, etc. Not everyone has a mental illness - just like you said, being aro isn't a mental illness and just because you're aro or queer doesn't mean you're depressed. However, of the people who do, a small fraction (I want to say about 25%?) find that them being mentally ill interacts with their aromanticism. So you're definitely not alone in that!

 

I also think it's valid if the two are intertwined for you. Often, our mental health is dependent on our social lives and social health. And social health means something different to each society, each individual. In my Western context, for example, social health is equated with experiencing romance. So it's no wonder that, for some people, not having romance as a part of their lives can make them miserable. It's also possible to be mentally ill, and have that affect your social health. Often, mentally ill people shut down and shy away from people, isolating themselves. Emotions can also get either unmanageable or disappear entirely, so if you felt romantic attraction before and suddenly don't because you're mentally ill, then it could be true that being mentally ill has made it harder or impossible for your body to engage in the feelings that romance requires. Social life and emotional life are intertwined, and those things can be factors in both mental health and orientation.

 

As you said, identity is valid no matter what! It would be weird to say that your life experiences do not in any way influence your preferences to have certain relationships with people. Emotions are life experiences. That's my take, anyway, and that kind of fluidity of orientation is something the LGBTQ+ community has been talking about more and more lately. Orientation is probably one of those things that isn't entirely biological (being "x orientation from birth"). It's probably one of those nature + nurture things, like most human traits seem to be.

 

I can't make the decision about this for you, but I can tell you that it's valid to think about, and feel free to process your feelings with us.

First I would look into whether you very suddenly "became aromantic" (if I can use that phrase) and if that distressed you. Doctors use very sudden distressing changes as symptoms of disorders. Like, sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed, for example. 
That's not necessarily a be-all end-all method, especially because flux identities exist, but it's a start.
Next, I'd try to imagine where the mental illness(es) and orientation overlap. Are they completely overlapping and seem more like the same thing? Or do they have parts that are independent from each other? What about being aro makes sense to you, and do only the parts that fit with your mental illness(es) make sense?

 

Hope that helps a bit. Being aro is separate from being mentally ill, but unfortunately, with stigmatization against both existing, the experiences and 'symptoms' can overlap sometimes.

Yes - I have been wondering this as well. I had a person in my life who identified as ARO. But also suffered from childhood neglect and he described himself as emotionally unstable and not being able to feel his emotions (happiness, sadness, excitement) and if he did he said he did feel it in a normal way.

I personally don't think this side of him has to do with being aro because romantic people can also be emotionally unstable but... 

I haven't seen many places where it is talked about. I know romantic people can have fears of being emotionally close and intimate with people/vulnerability (friends/family/ etc..)

So I wonder if it could be the same for an ARO person when they have a queerplatonic relationship/connection?

I am asking this because he told me that the way he feels his emotions and how he generally doesn't feel things has affected his relationships with people including his friends. To me, it seems like there was a little alexithymia there but...I feel that could be completely independent of being aro...

I just think all humans can problems with being vulnerable and emotional closeness.

Outcome:

He ended up pushing me away because he couldn't handle/wasn't ready the connection between us.

He shut down/stop communication and out of my care for him I gave him what he said he wanted and I walked away.

But I feel like...

I lost a friend.

I am demiromantic/sexual but I have trust issues and relationship anxiety and to me, this has nothing to do with my orientation but with my life experiences.

Any advise/insight would be appreciated. 

 

 

 

 

3

18 hours ago, Bri said:

I'm probably not someone who can help but I have some questions if you can answer them.

Was the relationship between you experimenting? no - we just connected and enjoyed our time together. it wasn't about commitment. I enjoyed having him in my life we had a connection and we talked about how we are okay with having sex with other people. So it was not an experimentation thing. It just happened naturally and because we felt a connection to each other. 

Was it a straight relationship? no - I am straight and he was bi 

What's your sexuality?(or are you not sure) - I am straight 

My best guess is that you to were together only cause you were sexually attracted to each other and neither of you wanted a commitment so it was platonic with sexual means sounds like you were in one of those experimenting relationships.

 

17 hours ago, Coyote said:

I think @Prismatangle has talked about something like this before. I forget where, but she's mentioned that her relationship with her (aromantic) partner might have proceeded differently if they had approached it as a queerplatonic relationship at the beginning, instead of understanding it as romantic relationship. Can message her or try to dig up the relevant blogpost if you're interested. 

Yes, that would be really helpful. 

19 hours ago, Bri said:

I'm probably not someone who can help but I have some questions if you can answer them.

Was the relationship between you experimenting?

Was it a straight relationship?

What's your sexuality?(or are you not sure)

My best guess is that you to were together only cause you were sexually attracted to each other and neither of you wanted a commitment so it was platonic with sexual means sounds like you were in one of those experimenting relationships.

 

- No the relationship was not experimenting - we met and he just connection - it felt natural. But we talked about being able to see other people. During our time together I was the only one that slept with other people.

- No, I am straightish and he is bi (so I guess maybe it was a straight relationships idk)

- straightish -demisexual/demiromantic. 

I am still discovering things about myself but...yea

Hm...I have been reflecting on a situation I was in...

and I really have NO one to talk to... 

Has anyone ever been in a queerplatonic relationship that was also sexual but didn't realize it could have been a queerplatonic connection/relationship until after separation from the person?

I now realize that it would have maybe helped this person and I deal with things better and talk about it if we would have known it was maybe a queerplatonic connection with sexual attraction.

Everything just happened so naturally but it was very intense and I can only speak for myself but I didn't really understand what it was and based off what the person said they had no idea either. But... through separation, I am realizing many things...

EDIT:

everything we chose to do was based on the connection we felt towards each other.