JetSettingAro

Marriage as an institution is something that historically was not romantic. It instead existed to bring families together, create community bonds and provide stability in times of trouble.

Sadly, it was co-opted by romantic propagandists, and now most people associate marriage with romance. Marriage, in its altered form, is used as a tool to create "haves" and "have-nots". Gone are the days it brought people together and fostered community. We all know that nowadays, most marriages snuff out platonic friendships, and isolate us aros from our friends and families. That is why I can see why many aros would be turned away from what marriage has become, but on the flip side, I can also see why many aros would want to take back marriage and bring it back into a platonic realm.

I know we have folks from all over the world on here, but when the ball drops in NYC and everyone kisses each other and couples dance around, it kind of feels like a second Valentine's Day to me. I mean, honestly, what is there for an aromantic person to do on this holiday? Especially in the USA. It's possible to do stuff with friends, sure, but most of them are doing things with their significant others...so...what do you all do?

I don't get it either, romantic gestures and relationships are just too bizzare for me to comprehend.

One thing is for sure, I don't need another person to make me a complete person...BUT...and this is a big but...not having that kind of relationship makes it more difficult for me to have kids, which I am willing to bet would make me feel more complete. ? I have always wanted to be a Dad, but its next to impossible to get to that step without first building a romantic relationship.

6 hours ago, SoulWolf said:

I can relate to this a lot! I've always been extra-awkward around people in relationships, because I don't know where the appropriate boundaries of "closeness" are. Especially with closer friends.

 

I used to get all awkward and paranoid around certain friends who are very huggy and generally touchy-feely... like... isn't someone going to think you're flirting? Isn't your partner going to think you're cheating?

 

I have since concluded that it isn't really like that, and most people aren't actually that possessive. I've just read too many dumb psychology articles.

Yeah, from my experience I agree that people aren't usually super possessive with their partners (although I'm sure some are). I think the bigger issue is that people in romantic relationships prefer to hang out with other people in romantic relationships over their non-romantic single friends. When you don't have a partner, you become unrelatable to the rest of society. It only becomes worse with age too. The older you get, and if you continue to not pursue a romantic relationship, the more ostracized you become. If you are a man, people think you are a deviant or hiding some kind of secret sexual orientation. If you are a woman, they feel pitty on you but little else. If you don't fall into gender binaries, then it is even more complicated.

By the time couples are settled down and having kids, you will be completely ostracized at that point. In fact some people might actually go out of their way to avoid you.

7 hours ago, Silyun said:

 

This is my worst fear. I have some friends I'm really close to and I'm so scared to lose them once they get into a relationship. It just makes me sad to think about because that'd mean our friendship wasn't important enough for them. I feel like a lot of people take friendship for granted and it hurts because it means so much to me. To me, friends don't just "come and go".

I'm not sure what your experience is, but I have noticed that couples only like to talk to other couples. Our so called "friends" treat us like we are diseased and avoid us like the plague, especially once they get married and have kids. At that point, if you can't talk about couples and parenting stuff then you are a worthless to them.

8 hours ago, eatingcroutons said:

 

Man I am so glad to discover that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have always been utterly baffled by how people can just start dating someone they barely know. 

Ditto the thought. ?

I mean you barely know this person, you met them last week and they are somehow already your "soulmate". Bizzare. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce. It takes years to learn the ins and outs of another person, not a week.

2 hours ago, NullVector said:

 

Oh, you are definitely not the only one. I think close to 100% of the people I've interacted with on these forums feel this way ?

 

It got me thinking: what actually is 'dating' and why is it something that weirds out most of us here? I sort of get the concept of trying to get to know somebody that you are 'interested in' a bit better (perhaps most typically a euphemism for 'interested in having sex with', hah, since as you pointed out @eatingcroutons you know next to nothing else about them at this point!). But isn't 'dating' rather more than that? Well, I just skimmed through the very long Wikipedia article on dating and they say there that 

and

 

So maybe it's both the ends and the means that we take issue with here? Conventional dating IMO typically assumes you have a particular end goal in mind (finding one central person to spend most of your time with) and want to follow a particular set of prescriptive, culturally ritualized, but often ill-defined and confusing, steps to get there. But when neither of those things are true (as I suspect they aren't for most of us here) then where does that leave us? (in terms of having socially accepted procedures we can follow to establish sexual partnerships, for example).

 

Same. And I also don't know what to do about it. ?

I like that you call dating a "culturally ritualized" practice. It is somehow so ingrained into our society that if we don't date then we are somehow broken, or worse "hiding something". It used to be that people married for non-romantic reasons, but now nobody seems to do that anymore. Romance and sex are everything, and as has been noted, it is difficult in our society to have one without the other.

9 hours ago, Silyun said:

 

I'm really confused by the concept of dating for this exact reason. Also, when you don't know the person, it must be so awkward at first, just imagining it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

@Blue Kafka I don't think I would be happy in a romantic relationship but I'm definitely interested in a QPR but it's so hard to find, unfortunately. It's already complicated enough to find someone compatible with us, we really don't need family/friends to pressure us into dating...

 

About the jealousy part, I feel a little envious when I see how close a couple is. I'd love to have someone I could connect with like that (well not exactly like that but, you know).

 

 

I agree with you 100%.

I am actually happy being alone to an extent, especially since that means that I don't have to partake in romantic relationships, but it is a lonely road. I get jealous of the close friendship that many couples have, and I wish I could find a deep permanent friendship like they have. The truth is that I have built many close friendships throughout my life, but invariably those friendships wither away once the other party gets into a serious romantic/sexual relationship with someone else.

I am incapable of building a deep relationship that doesn't start as a friendship...so conventional dating is out of the question. As you say, dating really is a concept that I can't wrap my head around. Its like society has erected this barrier to keep those of us who don't follow normative romantic conventions out of their club.

This is an interesting thread. Here is the thing... Many modern Christians especially in Western Countries have this notion that you need to be in love to be happy, and that you need to get married at a young age with your "soulmate" and start popping out babies. I see this at play especially in conservative Protestant and Catholic circles, and my own Christian church. If you don't follow this path, people will either think something is wrong with you or they will feel bad for you and tell you that you will find "true love" soon. The thing is, in Medieval Christian Europe and before that in the Roman Empire...Christians rarely married for love and most marriages were arranged. All these modern notions of true love, and soulmates that have infiltrated Christianity are actually unorthodox when it comes to Christianity. So in many ways, an aro or ace Christian is behaving more on par with historic Christian morals than their peers in this regard.