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Aroace but possibly experiencing sexual attraction

Guest Anonymous


Guest Anonymous

This is a long story but I need to be detailed in order to give greater depth to my situation.

I'm a cisgendered female who has, in the past, confused desire for sex as sexual attraction. I would actually feel more interested in sex during the time of the month when ovulation would start for me. Before I started identifying as ace, I didn't know any different and just went with the flow of the hormones by masturbating a lot to burn off the feeling. But at times the feeling was too intense and overwhelming, especially since it was a cycle of sexual interest that'd happen every month before my period started.

Once I knew I was ace, I finally understood the powerlessness I felt in my body subjecting me to a biological instinct that wasn't my own choosing. What I find the worst is the sex drive increases but it's like I want to have sex with anyone just to curb the desire for it. I don't do hookups of any kind and never have had sex.

Besides being ace, I'm also aro. A few months back I experienced romantic attraction to another woman (trans female). This experience gave me the impression I might fall under the demi sub label specifically because I've known her for years as we were coworkers and I never felt anything beyond platonic respect and like for her.

At first it was clear to me I was romantically attracted to her but it seems due to the fact I have an emotional attachment to her, I started being curious in the sense I'd try to imagine what it'd be like to have sex with her. This is a particular milestone for me too as I had a strong sense even before I identified as ace that having sex with someone I don't have an emotional bond towards would be out of the question because the sex would have no meaning for me. Now as an aroace person, I'm confused by how I can possibly feel sexual attraction in such a specific way and having it be tied to one specific person only. I am not entirely sex repulsed but I'd say I'm shy about it considering I have no sexual experience with other people to speak of. 


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hey anon, I get what you mean about questioning your orientation because of one exception... and that's completely valid :] if you think rediscovering your orientation labels is worth a shot, then definitely go for it. you mentioned that you might consider labelling yourself as demiromantic/demisexual, so you could research more about this! 

but I hope you know too that the labels we place on our orientations/attraction are really just that - "labels." the human experience is much more complex and multifaceted to be encapsulated by just a few, or even several, orientation labels. if identifying as aroace is what you feel the most comfortable in, if that label is what you believe to really represent the majority of your experiences or your attraction patterns, then I think that's enough. it's okay to have "exceptions to the rule" once in a while (I personally have some of my own) and they can help with understanding your orientation better! 

to address other parts of your message: sex drive and sexual attraction are definitely not the same, like you mentioned experiencing the former due to your menstrual cycle (as an AFAB person I relate with this), and that's completely normal. sexual attraction occurs when it's for a specific person - like you see them and you genuinely want to have sex with them. as for the situation with your friend, it kind of sounds like demisexuality - but it's ultimately up for you to decide it :0 take care!! 

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