Am I Weird For Still Thinking About It?

[Guest lucky]

Fair warning, English isn’t my first language.
 

Hi, new here and probs won’t stick around long. I just want to know if I’m weird for still thinking about this boy from 4th-5th grade that I had a crush on. We were all friends in a group where I met him through, he always made me feel happier and bring a sweet almost ticklish feeling in me when I thought of or spoke to him. We were best friends, always getting into mishap. I remember realizing my feelings for him at some point late in late 4th grade. I was quick to accept I’d never confess to him because I didn’t want to pressure him into anything or lose what we had. Some of my friends in the group knew, but they all kept quiet. We kept hanging out as usual when we had to split because my school didn’t offer 6th grade, but everyone in my group would be going to another school that I would not be attending no matter how much I begged my mom at the time. I understand why she did it, but it did suck at the time to lose all the friends I had. I didn’t know how to give myself closure before he left with the group after the school year ended, so I came up with a plan to get everyone I knew to write their signature as a way to have a memory of them, because my excuse was that no signature is the same. Most people bought it, not even my family knew about this crush, and when the last day of school came…I couldn’t help but dress nicely and enjoy the day, but when people were leaving school, I ran around the school to look for him because he wasn’t in my class. I found his brother who was part of our group, but when I asked where he was, his brother told me he went home early to go to a dentists appointment. I was several disappointed as I thought this would help me get over him, but I couldn’t let his brother know my disappointment when he offered to sign for the both of them, which I accepted. I wished him the best and gave my final goodbye, before he walked off. I had to go pick up my niece and nephew from the child’s pick up section, giving me two hallways to calm down and not get emotional. I played it off and went to greet them, telling them about how I got all the signatures I wanted. I forced myself to never think about it because I knew I’d get emotional. Years later, after several times of repressing then forgetting, it came back and I was in anguish. I didn’t know why, which added to it. I did do something to help myself get over it with advice of a few friends. It helped, but it’s resurfaced and I can’t help the sweet pain that courses through me. It’s odd, because I never could imagine doing more than hold his hand or hug him, kissing wasn’t even a thought, so it wasn’t like the way where friends would tell me they wished to kiss their crush. If it wasn’t even at that level and several years ago, why do I ache about him? I still hold the same sentiment of never seeing myself kiss or do anything more with people I’ve had small crushes on since, but he was something different. Those crushes never were the same as the one I had on him, he wasn’t even my first crush either. I feel so weird because it was years ago, so why ache now? I don’t know. I need some input because I feel bad bugging my friends about it again like I did the first time.

[Guest another guest]

Hi, I think it makes sense that you still feel the ache. This person was someone you loved and was important to you. It would be hard parting in general, but you also had to leave everyone, and then your last day there was suddenly not up to your hopes. It makes sense that you would feel grief then, and you could still feel it lingering now.

I'm occasionally surprised about how strongly I feel attached to certain people, even platonically. I think it's because they offer me something that no one else does at the time. Sometimes it's their outlook on life, sometimes it's the way they listen without judgment, sometimes it's how well their sense of humor aligns with mine. Parting from these people is harder than parting from others. Maybe there was something like that in this boy, too.

So yeah, no, I don't think it's weird. :)