27 and Confused

[Guest Aabb]

Hello, I went on a date yesterday (my 3rd date w someone) and my friend text me after asking how was it and I said it was fine. Like even if I have a good time on dates, I just always come home and think it's pretty fine like dating isn't necessarily fun for me so idk I got into looking to aromanticism. And I'm just confused mainly. 

I'm 27 and don't have much experience at all. I never really prioritized a relationship in my life nor has anyone pursued me hard so it just didn't happen. And only recently have started dating in the past 3 or so years and I think I'm just confused is my anxiousness or indifference about dating and relationships because I haven't had it so it's hard to picture or desire or because I'm aromantic. It's hard to know without the experience but also to figure something out at the expense of someone else is tough. 

I always say if I lived away from media influence and on an island or something.  I wouldn't have the desire but I also think most people wouldn't bc we're taught to want a relationship. But I also struggle to grasp that I would never be in a relationship ? And I'll get into my mid thirties and everyone has long term partnership or kids and it's like I'm just there so I think that's a hard aspect about it too. I do want a relationship but I'm also like maybe I'm just demi and it'll take time to get feelings. Like it just seems impossible to know without trial and error

I guess if there's anyone who doesn't have much romantic experience, how do you know if you don't want a relationship because its unknown and scary or because you're aromantic? 

[Anonymous]

On 12/27/2023 at 11:00 PM, Guest Aabb said:

Hello, I went on a date yesterday (my 3rd date w someone) and my friend text me after asking how was it and I said it was fine. Like even if I have a good time on dates, I just always come home and think it's pretty fine like dating isn't necessarily fun for me so idk I got into looking to aromanticism. And I'm just confused mainly. 

I'm 27 and don't have much experience at all. I never really prioritized a relationship in my life nor has anyone pursued me hard so it just didn't happen. And only recently have started dating in the past 3 or so years and I think I'm just confused is my anxiousness or indifference about dating and relationships because I haven't had it so it's hard to picture or desire or because I'm aromantic. It's hard to know without the experience but also to figure something out at the expense of someone else is tough. 

I always say if I lived away from media influence and on an island or something.  I wouldn't have the desire but I also think most people wouldn't bc we're taught to want a relationship. But I also struggle to grasp that I would never be in a relationship ? And I'll get into my mid thirties and everyone has long term partnership or kids and it's like I'm just there so I think that's a hard aspect about it too. I do want a relationship but I'm also like maybe I'm just demi and it'll take time to get feelings. Like it just seems impossible to know without trial and error

I guess if there's anyone who doesn't have much romantic experience, how do you know if you don't want a relationship because its unknown and scary or because you're aromantic? 

Damn, this post is really interesting to me. I'm 18 year old and also a "romance-neutral aromantic", at least you sounded like that to me. My case is that I don't have romantic feelings for anyone, but romance also doesn't actively disgust me or anything, I just don't have the desire. 

The thing about the average straight, cis, etc. human is that being like that is in a sense part of our biology. Humans are momogamous, which many animals are, too, but others aren't. The tendency of wanting a momogamous relationship isn't something people just made up once, it was developped by natural selection because that's how we ended up surviving. Of course many cultures, traditions and just singular people like us defied that and that's normal, whoever claims biology is 100% the right way and also always perfect is an idiot and a bigot. 

Which means that even if all of our memories were wiped alloromantic people would still have romantic feelings and aromantic people wouldn't naturally develop more or less feelings, they'd just stay the same. 

If you don't naturally develop any romantic feelings you wouldn't even if your whole memories of everything were wiped out, in my opinion you can really rely on it. 

I totally get your feeling of "How do I know I don't want it if I have no experience?", though. I was really desperately trying to find a micro label that suits my exact feelings, which I didn't really know for sure for some time, but eventually figured it was useless. Aromantic is an umbrella term, wherever in the spectrum you might be it will never be wrong to call you that. 

I just kind of accepted the fact I am somewhere on the spectrum and let life lead me - If I will happen to find a partner, whether romantic or not, I will totally accept it. If not, then well, I guess I won't, if I don't actively have the desire to have one it's not like I'm missing out on anything. This attitude helped me get over some anxiety so hey, maybe it helps

[Anonymous]

On 12/28/2023 at 9:00 AM, Guest Aabb said:

Like it just seems impossible to know without trial and error

I guess if there's anyone who doesn't have much romantic experience, how do you know if you don't want a relationship because its unknown and scary or because you're aromantic? 

Hi,

I am around the same age as you and have definitely grappled with similar questions. For me (and I'm only speaking about my own situation), I've come to realise that the question of 'do I want a relationship' is kind of a pointless hypothetical, because there's no one I'm romantically attracted to, and therefore no one I want to be in a relationship with. I don't see the point in trying to imagine a theoretical relationship if I don't know what kind of person I would be in a relationship with. 

"But what if I'm demi?" Definitely a possibility! But it doesn't change what I want to do right now - be single. 

So it might be helpful to ask yourself what you want to do *right now*. Do you want to keep dating if you haven't been enjoying it? Do you want to 'try out' a relationship to see what it's like? Try to focus more on your immediate wants and your immediate situation rather than what will happen years down the track. Trial and error is valid as long as you are not being inconsiderate and careless with other people's feelings. Try to think about what you really want, not what you are expected to want.