I feel like being exposed to amatonormativity has altered my brain

[cynthia]

tw // Internalized aphobia

I'm 18 years old and I'm aroace, and as I grow up, I find myself wanting romantic and sexual relationships more and more and punishing myself more for not being able to fall in love.

When I was younger I barely thought about romance. I never wanted a boyfriend, never wanted to get married, just wanted a best friend. My friends would get crushes but I would never take it seriously, I never thought it was something I also had to feel. I never made up fake crushes like I hear a lot of people did, I would just laugh and say I was too young for that. After a few years had passed, I started to wonder why I couldn't relate to my friends. It was always just a simple question though, I never actually thought there was something horribly wrong with me because despite everything I'd convinced myself that I was hetero?????? 

After I realized I was aroace three years ago and came out to a few of my friends, I think my confidence shattered. I had no reason to think I was heterosexual and the grief gates opened from there. I was new to being a teenager and I was new to the high school experience, so everything I saw about relationships silently altered my brain. It's not a surprise that I keep desiring romantic relationship despite the fact that I never wanted one when I was younger. I know that there's nothing with wanting a relationship and aro people in romantic relationships exist but I never wanted one back when I thought I didn't need one. Amatonormativity put this thought in my brain. I never desired intimacy, I never desired a partner before. But my brain keeps coming back to these thoughts.

I wish I could go back to ten year old me, ignorant to what society wants from her. I want to go back to just wanting dogs. I want to go back to daydreaming about having fun with friends and never daydreaming about relationships. If we lived in a world without amatonormativity, I would've never wanted a romantic relationship for myself even for a split second.

I absolutely hate society for making me think something was wrong with me. I hate amatonormativity for making me try to fix myself. I love the fact that I'm aromantic and I can see romance and friendships from a completely different angle. I love that I'm always the objective friend when it comes to relationship advice. I love that I'm different, because if we were all the same and had the same perspective it would be such a boring world out there.

So I guess I'm fairly new to the concept loving myself. Better late than never?