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I’m not sure what this means


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I’m not really sure about my romantic orientation. Theoretically I enjoy the idea of being with someone romantically, however in reality I’ve only really felt what can be interpreted as a crush once and my feelings were very inconsistent and weak in general. I’m not even sure it was a crush I wasn’t really interested in getting with the person in question romantically. I just thought they were pretty and felt a weird mix of respect, admiration, general desire to be noticed by them, and intimidation. I definitely can’t relate to discussions around dating or crushes most people my age have, and am generally dismissed as too immature or weird to date anyway. However, I see those around me that date to be full of happiness with said person and I just feel conflicted because I’m not exactly what you’d call interested and I’m happy I don’t really have to deal with the pain and drama that appears to come with dating. But I also want that level of happiness for myself and I’m worried that I’ll never find that. I’m still pretty young so it’s generally more acceptable socially for me to be alone with the excuse that I’m just focused on my education right now. But fairly soon that will now longer be the case, I already have people tell me that I’ll understand the emotional intensity that surrounds romance when I finally date. What will life be like if I’m in my 20s and still alone when the people around me are prioritizes their partners over their friends and family. Will I be alone? Will I just end up the stereotype of a pathetic, lonely, recluse. It’s kind of evident that my own family thinks that’s what’s going to happen if I stay alone? I feel infantilized and looked down upon by my own younger sibling and god knows my mother fears nothing more than her only child ending up alone and leaving her devoid of grandchildren. I’ve tried testing the waters with taking about this with the people in my life but I generally get the same judgement and condescension of ‘Oh you just don’t understand’ or ‘So you’ll just be a spinster you’re whole life’. I’m perfectly fine with the concept of me not dating. Personally I think I can be very fulfilled without a partner, but I would still need friends and family. And what if they all move on to love and leave me behind? I’m not entirely sure where I meant to go with this but thank you if you’ve made it this far. 

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