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Feeling immaterial/lacking in the community and as a person because of identity


voiden
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Hello! 

I am aroace and agender (I'm pretty sure, questioned for a long time and keep going back to 'maybe this is how all cis people feel' and then realizing I feel performative saying my pronouns are she/her and having feminine terms used for me exclusively as I'm afab) and I feel somewhat insubstantial as a part of the lgbtq+ community and as a person. I feel like my labels as a whole are just one big 'draw a blank' and therefore I have less of a personality and purpose. I somewhat dislike that all of my labels describe a lack of something that it feels like everyone else has, rather than a presence of it. 

Idk, I don't really feel like a distinct person and feel like this relates to my identities. I'm wondering if anyone else has felt similarly insecure about their labels? I don't know if this exactly relates to being 'not queer enough' or if it's just a distancing from alloromantic, allosexual, allogender people in general. I just wanna be enough for myself. 

oops I put this in intersectionality instead of sexuality and gender, how can I fix that? 

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Accepting one's identity is complicated on many occasions, and sometimes it makes us feel insecure. I understand that you feel that your labels indicate the absence of something that is commonly had, but that does not have to be a bad thing. We are all different in one way or another, and those differences are good, they fill us with colors.

Regarding "not being queer enough", anybody who doesn't fit the mold of a cisgender heteroromantic heterosexual person belongs to the lgbtq + community, so you are part of the community as much as anyone else, and you are valuable in it. Frequenting this website can help you feel part of a community, here you can be yourself and share your experiences and doubts with people who feel or have felt like you on some occasion.

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I've absolutely felt this at times, being aroace and having a very nebulous gender (to the point where I've given up on labelling it beyond generally transmasc because waffling back and forth between "I'm just a very masc agender person" and "No I'm just a trans man with complex feelings towards gender" was getting exhausting and accomplishing nothing), but the thing that really helped me was recognizing that no... none of these identities are the absence of identity. Lack of attraction and lack of identification with a specific gendered identity, sure, but they still deeply color and affect our lives, and there are so many unique and interesting and deeply human aspects to being aro, ace or agender. Faced with such pervasive amatonormativity, allonormativity and gendering, not fitting into any of these molds is an important and significant identity and way of existing. In some ways, it can be more significant and affecting than just experiencing the expected things in a different way than expected.

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