Amatonormativity by its neck. Me likes being aro, Me likes not.

[Sissi]

Okay!
Does anybody ever just keeps going back and forth between being proud of being aro and just thinking: "It can't be! I must feel romantic attraction... You just think you are because you are yet to date anybody"?

Because it is so...tiring, I guess

Some days I wake up and I am like: BEING ARO ROCKS AND I AM GOING TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE JOURNEY WITH MY FRIENDS AND JOB AND THE CHILD I WILL ADOPT!" 
But like, for most of the days I am just like: I will be their second choice all my life... What if we fall apart and what then? Wouldn't you be alone? Why dot you just date and forget this nonsense of being aro. You are just using that label because you find it cool and it is the only place romance is not being puked on you. You are not aro. You are just too much inexperienced and overthinking. 

...
It doesn't go away, does it? 
This of trying to convince yourself that you couldn't be, that you are just lying to yourself and not being who you really are. 
This of waking up proud and happy of being aro but minutes later being dragged into a depressing and endless questioning and saying you're not , you're not, you're not. You. Are. Not. You are just a freak, a broken toy. Someone who is going to live a sad life, overworking and being alone, without even a cat by your side. 

AND IT IS SO IRRITATING!
turning the Tv on, or anything really on the internet and everything is like: ROMANCE! COUPLES! SHIPPING! HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND YOU NEED IT LIKE YOUR LIKE DEPENDS ON IT. YOUR SOLE PURPOSE IS TO FIND THE ONE AND MARRY THEM, HAVE CHILDREN AND DIE TOGETHER!
But all I can get from that is: HERE;S SOMETHING YOU WILL NEVER GET TO EXPERIENCE! LOOK, YOU FREAK, JUST HOW HAPPY YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE. LOOK JUST HOW BROKEN YOU ARE. BUT MAYBE, IF YOU FIND THE ONE YOU WILL BE FIXED. YOU JUST NEED TO WAIT FOR THEM AND THEN YOU WONT BE BROKEN ANYMORE. EVERYTHING WILL JUST GO AWAY, ALL THE QUESTIONING, ALL THE SELF HATE, EVERTHING. JUST WAIT FROM THEM.

And you see, I am fully aware that it is madness, the THE ONE thing. I am. But it is hard to not believe in a future, in a possibility, where I wouldnt be like this. In a future where I could just be like everyone else, at least in this point.  Who wouldn't hang on that fine tread of hope even if you knew it was going-

I guess it is human, isnt it? 
To be like this. 
And me so wishes I could just-

*grabs internalized amatonormativity by its neck*  
- LISTEN HERE, YOU MAD BRAINWASH! I AM SO TIRED OF YOU, SO TIRED OF YOUR SCREAMS SAYING THAT I MUST FIND THE ONE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. JUST STOP! DO YOU THINK YOU COULD DO THAT?  I WOULD APPRICIATE SO MUCH.
*internalized amatonormativity tries to shake its head in defiance and disagreement*
- OH NO. OH HELL NO! YOU ARE AGREEING WITH ME AND EVERYTHING I AM TELLING YOU. YOU ARE TOXIC AND JUST A HAPPINESS GRIM RIPPER. YOU JSUT DESTROYS MY PEACE AND HAPPINESS AND DOESNT EVEN LET ME TRY TO CONVINCE YOU OTHERWISE. I AM SO DONE WITH YOU.  I HAVE COME TO LEARN THAT YOU DO NOT, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TOLERATE TOXIC PEOPLE, TOXIC BEHAVIORS AND JUST ANYTHING THAT SO BRUTALLY DESTROYS YOUR HAPPINESS AND MENTAL HEALTH. 

*internalized amatonormativity blinks*
- NOW. IF YOU UNDERSTAND HOOW THINGS WORK, BECAUSE I AM THE MASTER OF MY OWN LIFE, YOU WILL REPEAT MY WORDS AND YOU WILL STICK TO THEM. GOT IT?
*internalized amatonormativity tries to nod*
- I, INTERNALIZED AMATONORMATIVITY,
- i, internalized amatonormativity, 
-PROMISE ON THE COST OF MY OWN LIFE
-promise on the cost of my own life
-THAT I WONT EVER EVER AGAIN
-that i wont ever ever again
-PRODUCE ANOTHER WORD, JUDGMENT OR LOOK
-produce another word, judgment or look
-TO AND ABOUT THE PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME
-to and about the person right in front of me
-I WILL NOW LIVE THE REST OF MY DAYS IN SILENCE
-i will now live the rest of my days in silence
-AND WITH THAT I WILL WITHER AND DIE
-and with that i will wither and die
-WITHOUT EVER COMING BACK TO LIFE AGAIN
-without ever coming back to life again
*looks deeps in the eyes* 
-NOW, YOU DONT HAVE ANY RIGHTS TO CALL ME A MONSTER, TO SAY TO ME THAT I WONT EVER BE HAPPY. YOU DONT GET ANY RIGHTS TO DO THAT. YOU PROMISED. DONT BE MISTAKEN, JUST BECAUSE ONLY LAST MONTH I REALIZED YOU WERE HERE, DOESNT MEAN THAT I WONT USE EVERY LAST DROP OF MY EVERYTHING, OF MY WHOLE BEING TO KILL YOU AND MAKE YOU SHUT UP FOREVER. I HAVE A WHOLE COMUNITY ONLINE TO BACK ME UP AND I KNOW THEY WILL HELP ME MAKE YOU HONOUR THOSE SAME WORDS ON THE HARD WAY. ARE WE UNDERSTOOD?
*internalized amatonormativity nods several times* 
-GOOD! I WILL BE WATCHING YOU. DONT YOU EVEN DARE TO DEFY THE WORDS YOU SAID SAID. 
*walks out without ever breaking eye contact* 


If you got here, thanks for reading my post. Really needed to get that out of my chest. 
I hope you have a great night (or day too)
Toodles!