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Orientation Confusion

Guest MQuestionable

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Guest MQuestionable

Hi! I came to this forum hoping for some answers. Recently I’ve stumbled upon quite a pickle regarding myself: my romantic orientation. I already know I identify as an asexual, but regarding romantic I am unsure. 

I’d like to start off with some old feelings that I took into consideration when I stumbled upon the term squish. Years ago I had some feelings for a friend, which at the time I considered romantic. However, what I felt didn’t seem romantic, with the knowledge that I now have. I wanted to be closer to this friend of mine in a platonic sense—to be a better friend that’s close to him and for us to be able to rely on each other. The thing was, though, that was that. I wanted to be some sort of wonderful best friend to him, but I never cared about seeking romance with him; I didn’t even care if my feelings were reciprocated, because I just wanted to be a close friend. I also NEVER imagined kissing him and the usual dating rituals, but I have hugged him (perhaps too much) just because it was nice. But I also showed symptoms of having a crush: I felt giddy around him, I wanted to be around him, and I felt jealous of people I deemed “closer” to him or when they got the opportunity to spend more time with him. That was a few years ago, and it’s gone now, of course, but thinking back now, I’m curious and confused.

The real confusing part is how I went about it. Would it be romantic if I had a vague imagination of marrying him—though I mainly did it for convenience of the next imagination, which was having a child with him. I’m embarrassed to admit that I whipped that up in my head, but it did happen. Being asexual, I didn’t care too much about the process that creates the child, but I focused more on the familial bonds that come right after—like, say, bonding activities, like playing or counselling the child. It was also the child I mainly focused on, and the ties of family. However, I can’t help but still be confused.

Would it also be influenced romantically if I wrote poems? I considered them love poems, but at the time I was under the conclusion that I had a crush on him. (Goodness, that makes me sound like a sap, but I did do that; I deleted them after I got over him, though, out of sheer embarrassment!)

Why I also considered it a crush was my friends I guess. I would hear my friends speak of their own feelings, while I just listen and sometimes wonder when I would ever feel something in that sense. Then when those feelings were brought to light (according to one of my friends, who managed to . . . coax me into the feelings of a crush), I felt like I could be one of them now and experience what I seemingly couldn’t. Now I’m unsure, and I would like some clarification on how I really felt (possibly), and maybe an answer to my romantic orientation.

That was just the main stuff, and I’m sorry if that was still confusing and a lot to take in. I’d just like some answers that speak to me and my situation. It’s an old case, but it really made me reconsider my feelings and my identity.

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