My Health, and How Aromantic Fits In

[Razz-ma-tazz]

Introduction:
I’ve always felt the way of valuing friendships over relationships in my life, yet I never found myself to be apart of LGBT since I’ve never given it more thought. 

Sure, if you asked me at any point in the last few years about relationships I would’ve just said “I’m not really interested, but i really need a friend”. It’s always been that way, but up until recently I’ve found myself to be aromantic, and it’s gotten me thinking more and more about myself, which I usually just suppress.

Monotonous- It Just Is:

I am in a lot of ways monotonous and I find it very sad. There are very very few things that I think makes me happy beyond a stale expression. Things such as going to fairs/carnivals is what makes me very apparent and sad about myself, since A) I am afraid of heights and B) I don’t show any enthusiasm for it, and the ones I do, are fabricated. Instead, I would much rather know that someone else had a wonderful time, and I helped. I want to feel useful, and I want others to be happy. I do go on some very fast rides (those are my favorite) yet, again, I can keep a straight face, and I can keep silent. 
I am usually told “you are so calm under pressure”; yet I know that in the end, ‘it is what it is’. Signs of grief, signs of happiness, and signs of anger are all nonexistent since that one phrase sums it all up. “It is what it is”. When a few people close to me have died, I kept the same face. It’s not that I didn’t care for them, it’s just a matter of instantly accepting the situation as it is. Imagine it as Limbo. You see others cheering, yet you’re still. You see others crying, yet you’re still. Some say it’s a lack of appreciation, however that couldn’t be more wrong, since there’s a flip side to this coin.

Depression- Sorry it happened to You:

Even as it seems I’m a bland heartless robot, one part that may have been glossed over was the fact that I want other people to be happy. My health comes at a lesser extent than the other persons enjoyment always. I’m not at all a wealthy person, and I actually grew up a little bit poor and isolated, however I never want anyone around me to feel worried by money (frantically searching their purse to buy a soda, or feeling restricted by petty cash). I never want anything for myself because I don’t really need anything at all. What I have is fine, and what I have extra is expendable. 
What makes my Depression very volatile is not the fact that it is depression alone (while yes, depression is a very serious issue), it’s the fact that it seems to take the people around me by surprise or they don’t notice. How do you reason with someone who normally does not express joy? One day everything’s fine, then almost in an instant he loses his mind. Granted this is more Seasonal Depression (in Spring) however these extreme forms show up situationally, and here’s why. I’ve upset you. And it goes further and further because of your worrying about me. I don’t want you to be upset, or even care about my issues, I want you to be happy because everyone deserves to be. If I could take all the issues in the world and put them on myself I would. And in a lot of ways, i sometimes think that I live very unhappy so that someone else doesn’t have to. I’d rather be me so you don’t have to be me.

With so many years of bottling up emotions like fear, terror and anxiety, the moment I do show emotion, it is a straight line down. I remember being shown charts in the psych hospital that ranged emotion. High-Happy, Low-Sad. And they were explaining how people with BiPolar, it goes up and down very quickly, yet I asked what about the opposite? What about stagnation? And it became a very big issue, since it is just as severe, if not worse. Instead of a range of emotions, there is only 1 (or 2) and once you are in that state, it’s hard to get out. 
Paranoia- The State of Mistrust: 

I will always have a sense of never truly connecting with someone and trusting them (which in a way, is kinda why I feel like aromantic fits me?). When given a situation where I find myself very depressed, someone will say “don’t be sad, your X!” Or “I’m not upset, it’s okay”. However, it’s not. They are lying to me. Growing up I’ve had a very verbally abusive past that was full of being lied to, procrastination, and nonexistent people that who should’ve been there for me. Hence why I feel obliged to do things myself and to be there for other people. But this is only a 1 way street, as mentioned before. If someone cheers me up from my depression by using words that try to make me sounds good, it’s a lie. They’re lying to me. It makes me more upset to realize that either they have to make something up on the spot because I’m not eating/sleeping/blinking, or fabricate this loose idea of me which isn’t how I really feel about myself, or is not myself at all. “You’re  so funny!” I don’t think Im funny. “You’re  so Kind!” I don’t think im Kind. Just tell me the truth that things are not well. Why does is always come to hard times before someone can say things about a “spectator”? I’m always there, yet never really taken interest of. But at the same time, i want that. It would just be nice once in a while to sit down in silence and enjoy the outside, and not when problems arise.

I’m sure a lot of people here have felt mistrust, or a state of at-least once in their lives, or every day of their lives. There is only 1 form scarier than the mistrust of others, is the mistrust of yourself. This is a truly mental state to be in, and I wish it upon no one. The best scenario I can give to describe this feeling is the following: 

>Say you and another person go to a birthday party. You both went separately, yet saw the same event. There’s a blue cake, and you grabbed a corner piece that had a design on it. You remember the event, the piece of cake, and the people who were there because your good at remembering events like that. Now later, you get upset you never get invited to anything, say “I’m lonely;unwelcomed” etc. when someone says “remember when you went to that party? I was there, you had so much fun.” The First Stage is Not Trusting them. Yes they went, no you didn’t have fun, and you remembered it as is. They say “Remember when I cut it, and gave you an extra plate with the cake? You got one with a letter on it” What should be an instantaneous ‘no i don’t trust you, i don’t know’ now becomes ‘what if they’re right? But, I was there and I experienced it’. So the flip becomes not trusting your own memory, your own experiences, and your own life. After all, you lived it, and you remembered it, but this whole time you were remembering something wrong. Distinctively, you remember events, and then you just don’t know anymore. 

This sets you in an extreme state of mania. How do you isolate yourself from others? Easy (or sometimes not) just don’t see them. How do you separate yourself from yourself? You can’t, and instead it manifests further. You already feel defeated, and all it takes is people to come in and say whatever they want (positive or not) and it will drive you further and further down. My 3 repetitive phrases I resort to is “I’m sorry” “i don’t know” and “i cant”. Between these 3, it gets repeated so many times, and is a default for my depression. I’m sorry I’m making you worried; I don’t know why I’m not happy; I can’t (do any activity/action you want me to). I don’t know is only just mistrust, either of myself or of others.

Aromantic- Why It Suits Me, Yet Is A Word:

I feel as it though from what I can tell, Aromantic seems to fit my characteristic. My only issue with relationships is the fact that I never have anyone to really trust, and I never know anyone on that much of a personal level. I feel worried that if I present myself to someone, like making a new friend (this happened btw) that I’ll completely lose my mind and they’ll isolate me, adding myself to reflect on that, and then become even more upset. I can’t just walk up to someone and say “hi, i have a lot of issues and I’m both really stable, and extremely unstable. Can I tell you about it?” I just don’t have any friends that are close enough where I don’t have to put on this act of hospitality, and instead ‘be myself’ and think uneasy thoughts outloud. I don’t want them to be upset, i just want them to know that I’m not okay. That I just need someone to interact with and not be lonely. 
I don’t think I’m at all comfortable with sexual activities. The furthest I’ll most likely go is a very firm hug. I’m not comfortable with my hands (i bite my nails and skin), and I haven’t said ‘I love you’ since like 1st grade. I have bad teeth so no kissing, and I just have an over all terrible self esteem. Even with hugging I feel like I’m too skinny and long and an uncomfortable person. 
The Ideal picture I have in my mind is just going for a walk in the very very early morning or at night when it’s dark, or dark turning to light, or again, just sitting there together without having to be tense and “present” myself. No Weddings, that’s self attention and I don’t like to be center of attention. No pictures on phones either (government spying stuff), and just an overall acceptance of a much different life than people are used to. It’s a slower, quieter and more friendly way of life, but the downside is that I’m only just existing, and their just existing with me. My only part that I feel bad is if the other person wants to be romantic, I just don’t know if I can make them happy and I might feel like I’m tying them down.

Conclusion- A Final Response:

I find myself struggling very hard to make friends. Especially during Covid, but it’s been like this after I graduated and I just don’t see anyone anymore. I moved, I’m unemployed, I can’t drive, and I have no money. The only thing I really have is family. The hardest part I find is meeting someone around my age (20). I walked into town and saw someone my age, but she was working, and the store was closed and I didn’t want to bother her. So I never talked to her. I also have my sleep schedule flipped, so I’m sleeping in the daytime, and I’m up at night (5PM-10AM ish) which is very common thing for me, but I know it’s terrible. And again, it’s not like I’m looking for an intimate relationship,  just someone to talk to and interact with. I need to hang out with someone so badly, i crave social behavior. But what do I say? How do I meet people? Do I try to talk to people at work? I just don’t know, and I’m at such a loss. If you really want to help me, help me make real life friends who will want to hang out instead of it just being “he shows up at my work”. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk