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Perhaps a little advice?


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Forword: Im so sorry for this mess of a post!

Backstory: I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year now, and we've done some intimate things (kissing, touching under shirts, e.t.c) and decided to dial it back when I felt too uncomfortable and dirty with the actions committed, despite them really not being that bad. However I am touchy as a person, with friends. I'll rough-house and poke them regularly. Recently though he's gotten a little upset and while he discussed that, revealed how it hurts to see our mutual friends in relationships do these romantic things like holding hands and kissing that I just have a hard time dealing with. Previously I've told him my ace-ness and with my behavior he's told me he thinks I might be aro and should check that out to see. So he knows.. but he craves physical affection and a bit of a romantic.

 

I don't know how to help or compromise with him and we are compatible everywhere else except here. We have both acknowledged we are very good friends but... he's having a hard time with my romantic aversion (I have grown up with romance shamed so..) Any advice?

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On 6/9/2017 at 3:56 PM, Spec1alkay said:

I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year now, and we've done some intimate things (kissing, touching under shirts, e.t.c) and decided to dial it back when I felt too uncomfortable and dirty with the actions committed

 

I'm not trying to encourage you do things that make you feel uncomfortable, but I don't think there is anything "dirty" about two people engaging in consensual touching that feels good to both of them - you aren't "committing" any crimes here! (although certain cultural contexts people are brought up in might suggest the contrary e.g. some variants of Catholicism?) Did it feel good for you? (I mean, how did the raw sensory/emotional experience itself feel? Without looking to attach any concepts/labels to it that you may have inherited from culture or upbringing).

 

On 6/9/2017 at 3:56 PM, Spec1alkay said:

Any advice?

 

I think this depends on you. I don't really know you and your history, so it's difficult for me to give concrete advice. Also, my advice would differ depending on whether you're more 'intrinsically' aromantic, or if you really might enjoy a romantic relationship, except that you have some aversion resulting from culture/upbringing. From some of the words you used in your post ("dirty","actions committed","I have grown up with romance shamed", etc.) I suspect it could be the latter. In which case, is this something you'd want to try and "work through", to be able to have a more conventional romantic relationship? (would counselling help? or even just talking it through with some friends you really trust? with your boyfriend's help and support, potentially?)

 

Disclaimer: I am just one person! My experiences with romantic/sexual relationships are 'limited' (that is a euphamism for non-existant). I don't really know what i'm talking about :P

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6 hours ago, NullVector said:

 you aren't "committing" any crimes here! (although certain cultural contexts people are brought up in might suggest the contrary e.g. some variants of Catholicism?) 

Yeah.. Catholic upbringing might be a part of it. Thanks for the input as a whole :D

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