Somewhatgrey1989

10 hours ago, E Wildflower said:

I don't think it's that common for people's sexual or romantic orientations to change drastically (at least it's not often talked about), but it does happen on occasion. However, if at this point, a particular label seems to fit you and makes you feel more comfortable with yourself, feel free to use it, and if later you realize that there's another term that fits you better, you can change it. If you do later change your label, it doesn't necessarily mean that you were wrong before, just that your feelings may have changed or that you've learned more about yourself and your perspective has changed as a result, and that doesn't invalidate your feelings now.

 

Personally, I've tried on numerous labels in the past 6 years as I've tried to figure myself out, and it's quite possible that in the future I'll find another word (or multiple other words) that fit me better than greyromantic, genderfluid, and/or asexual, but for now, having all three of those words helps me to describe my own experiences as I currently understand them and gives me a sense of community. For those reasons, I find them useful, even though I know there's a chance that I'll feel the need to change labels again in the future.

 

Also, if getting married and having a family is what you want, you might consider the notion that you can have a committed relationship with someone without being romantically involved in the traditional sense (such as a queerplatonic relationship), and you can raise children if you so choose, whether or not you are at all romantically inclined. I understand it might not be exactly what you've envisioned for yourself, but you might find it worth thinking about.

 

I hope some part of that convoluted response might be helpful to you. 

Hey! Yes your response definitely did help! And what you said in the first paragraph is exactly what I thought- you can only use a label based on your knowledge of yourself up to this point. For example, if at my age of 29 I had only liked women, the label lesbian might fit best, because that’s the best thing to fit with what I know so far. If one day I do find myself attracted to a man then I can change it, but you can only go off of what you know up until this point. For me at this point, I guess grey romantic would fit best, because I’m 29 and have had 12 crushes on guys but the crushes never seem to get intense enough for me to fall in love, they just pretty much stay at half assed feelings. I feel like I’m in a grey area because as far as I know I’m just capable of a crush at this point. 

And like you said, it’s not the future I exactly envisioned for myself. As a kid and teen and very young adult, I always envisioned myself growing up and falling in love like everyone else. It’s a little bit disappointing (and actually quite depressing) that the most I might be capable of is a queerplatonic relationship, or a half assed romantic relationship at best. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I might need to consider a queerplatonic relationship because a crush is super rare for me and even when I do get one, it never feels super strong. Because romantic feelings are rare for me, I’ve still never had a serious boyfriend and I’m 29! So yeah, life as a grey romantic who wants a boyfriend can get very lonely. Which is why I have decided to open up my mind to a queerplatonic relationship, because if I’m waiting for those intense romantic feelings to start a relationship they might never come! Or I might be like 45. So at this point I might as well take the pieces of a relationship that I have left for sure rather than waiting for something that I might not be able to feel. And that’s a little sad. 

11 hours ago, running.tally said:

I don't have much to add to the already great replies except my own experience with figuring out my label, so here goes!

 

For me, I have different levels of certainty regarding different parts of my identity. I can tell you that I know I'm asexual, for example, and haven't really wavered with that description much. I've always felt repulsed by sex, and especially when thinking about it involving myself. My aromanticism took a while, because I have a loving personality and sometimes feel extremely strong feelings for others, and other times have so little empathy I wonder if I'm sociopathic. I chose the "aroflux" label to accommodate these changing feelings, because one day I really do feel like a romance-repulsed aromantic and other days I find myself feeling those weird "not quite platonic but not romantic" feels. I think that an orientation can change if a person drastically changes. Like our bodies renew their cells and our brains rewire their nerve connections. But not /often/. If you find yourself oscillating frequently then terms like greyromantic (like you've identified) or -flux and -spike affixes come into play. Sometimes we use orientations to describe our /tendencies/ rather than as a catch-all no-exception behavioural rule. For me, I decided on "aroflux" because at the end of most days I feel aromantic, but on some occasions and with no explanation, I unlock those quasi-platonic and alterous feelings. I strongly tend towards aro.

 

I hope that helps a bit! Being interested in romance and feeling romantic attraction doesn't necessarily invalidate your label. Just like I've had a gay guy friend like and date a girl before (because she was the exception), you're quite allowed to use labels to describe your tendency, but bend in real life. Humans are far from certain and predictable, while definitions, by nature, really have to be. On the other hand, if you're still feeling at odds with the label you've chosen, maybe it is time to look at other definitions that are more specific that you feel more comfortable with.

Yes, I completely agree with what you’ve said! I have had about 12 crushes in my life (and I’m 29 now) but none of my crushes actually have progressed to falling in love with the person like most other people do. I feel like maybe I’m capable of a crush, but not falling totally in love- like my feelings never seem to intensify. I’m still not sure if I haven’t met the right person to make me feel more intense or not, but at this point I think I’ve met a lot of people to where that should have happened. So I feel like I’m a grey romantic because I can get a crush, but then it never feels that intense. It kinda makes me sad actually, as I always wanted the typical romance things growing up (and not because I was programmed to by society, but because it’s what I wanted for myself). But now I’ve come to the sad realization that a romantic relationship will be hard for me because I can barely feel romantic feelings (and as far as I know, I can’t fall in love). And it’s hard to base a whole relationship off of half assed love  

On 4/2/2018 at 10:26 PM, Naegleria fowleri said:

 

I just started university this year, so there hasn't been much time for me to "change over time". Unless you count that kid crush I had in elementary school, which I have no recollection of but somehow there is photographic evidence of it. But no, I just kind of came to the term aromantic as the inevitable conclusion of years of denial. That's the short version. Here's the long version:

 

In twelfth grade I met this boy at my staff Christmas party, and he liked me. He was mature, smart, funny, and sweet to me, and not bad looking. I got excited, and I thought, this must be the fabled crush everyone talks about. I went to bed that night smiling. The next day, the feeling had mellowed out. I had met someone new who was cool, that's all. We went to Dairy Queen on a friends date. He paid, we hugged goodbye. We decided to keep things open, because I essentially told him I wasn't feeling "it" but I might at some point. A few months of this, and then I invite him to prom.

That poor boy. All the mixed messages. I asked him to slow dance, and I regretted it pretty quick. I regretted it before he leaned in towards me, read my body language, and aborted mission. I told him I just wanted to be friends. That I didn't think I wanted a boyfriend. I couldn't articulate myself at this point, but the words in my head were along the lines of, "I want to want a relationship, but I just can't get there," or "It feels like the part of me that's responsible for all of that stuff is missing."

You'd think I would have gotten it by that point, but no. I thought, well maybe I'm demi, and just haven't met the one. Maybe there's no one of my type at my school (and if you could see my yearbook, you would know that was entirely possible). It wasn't until I was in university, and dared myself to actually look at the people around me (I'm in my own head a lot) for two weeks and see if I felt something. It was rare for me to like someone's physical appearance, and when I did I felt no inclination to pursue anything. I told myself, check out the girls. Maybe you're gay. I wasn't.

And so, I stumbled upon Arocalypse, specifically the "You Might Be Aro If" segment, and I almost got teary eyed. People understand! I'm not the only one! Because I had heard the definitions of aromantic and asexual so many times, but they didn't click. This site did.

After that, I was like welp. I'm aro. Not much I can do about that.

I should add that I am still friends with this boy.

Looking back, I think it's the eyes. People look at you differently when they like you platonically, versus romantically. I feel it viscerally. I remember him looking at me with this serene smile, like I was the only girl in the room, and I wanted to look anywhere else. Without that moment, I might still be questioning.

Oh, I see. So really you figured it out because you’ve never had a crush, and even when you thought you did that one time, it turns out it really wasn’t in the end? And the dancing with him made you extremely uncomfortable, and a relationship just wasn’t something you wanted at all? I guess for me, I’m probably a grey area because I have had crushes but they don’t feel as strong as what other people say, and my feelings never seem to intensify to falling in love at all (and I’m almost 30 now and was always extroverted, so I think I’ve met enough people to where that probably should have happened). It sounds like you are OK being aro and that’s great, I’m actually really unhappy being the way I am. It’s frustrating having all of these light crushes that go nowhere and never intensify, because I do want a relationship. Whatever guy I wind up with with just have to been ok with the fact that my feelings for him will never be super strong  I’m hoping someone comes along to make me feel differently one day, but I have honestly started to lose hope in that happening. Do you hope that one day someone comes along to make you feel different, or do you like being the way that you are? 

On 4/2/2018 at 2:31 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Yes. I hate the idea of performing romantic affection, and I hate the idea of being tied to one person. It sounds like psychological prison. 

I have heard that many (but not all) aromantic people feel this way! So being single is something you really like and wouldn’t give up? Would you consider an open relationship or a queerplatonic relationship or do you think you’ll be free forever?

On 4/2/2018 at 11:18 PM, Zorcodtoa said:

@Somewhatgrey1989

 

I've always thought I was aromantic or demi/grey as soon as I uncovered it maybe a decade ago. At that time I thought I was "just asexual" and that meant being aromantic as well. When I discovered the difference it made me reflect on the fluidity of both orientations as well, so then went by "aromatic" or maybe demi from then on. I've not been romantically attracted to anyone yet so that's good enough to me.

Yes I see- I hear a true aromantic is someone who has never had a crush. For me, I have had like 12 crushes but they never seem to be that strong, so I guess I’m a grey! And I don’t know if I’m capable of actually falling in love yet, I guess only time will tell! I am almost 30 and still haven’t had a romantic relationship beacause I’ve never had one of my crushes work out like that- maybe one day! 

18 hours ago, Naegleria fowleri said:

I attempted to do some scientific research on aromanticism (with little success), but I did find out that for women, it is not uncommon to change sexuality later in life (as in, transition from straight to gay or bi). However, people like to say things like, "You don't need to label yourself," or, "You've got your whole life to figure that out," and they're well-meaning but really it just comes out sounding like, "Don't worry! You might still be straight!"

How many movies/shows/books have you seen where the main character is sad and alone, and then they meet The One and it's happy endings all around? Look up the lyrics to "I'm a Believer". This mentality is everywhere. It's also known as amatonormativity, if you haven't heard of it.

 

 

I definitely feel this way from time to time. I try to remind myself that it's not specifically romantic closeness I'm craving, it's just closeness, period. You don't have to be lovers to cuddle on the couch and watch TV, overshare the events of your day, or share the burdens of everyday life. Romance just facilitates the process. Also, it is possible to not experience romantic attraction, but still desire a relationship. It's called being cupioromantic.

Anyway, good luck on your soul search!

Thanks for your reply! I know there’s been some research on sexuality, but really none on romanticism. It would be nice if psychologists could research aromantacism more! 

I have heard of amatanormativity. I don’t think I want a relationship because of societies pressures though, it’s something that I always wanted for myself separate from that. I have definitely heard of being cupioromantic, and I thought that I was one for a little while, but then I realized that a cupio is an aromantic who wants a relationship (so, in other words, it’s someone who has never had a crush but wants a relationship). Given that I have had crushes, I think that the cupio wouldn’t fit, because I’m not completely aromantic. I think grey-romantic fits best now, or a grey-cupio romantic (but the last one feels like label overload). I definitely do feel a drive to have romance within me, though, that’s separate from just friendship closeness? 

If you don’t mind me asking, how did you figure out you were aromantic? Has it always been this way for you or have you changed over time? 

18 hours ago, Zorcodtoa said:

Sometimes I feel like "maybe I am demi romantic/sexual" but other times I feel like it's the last thing I could be. What I feel changes and what I think is based on experience - something which I have next to none of, so maybe only "grey".

So do you only get crushes every once in awhile? What makes you think you’re a grey romantic? 

17 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

 

I understand how you feel, although I have to say I... don't really like your use of the term "normal", as much as we all feel that way sometimes.

As for me, I've always been aro, and I should hope I always will be, as much as I may hate it. I'd rather die than be in a relationship tbh.

Yeah, I’m sorry about using the word “normal.” What I meant by that is what the majority of people are. And since the majority of people aren’t aromantic, I used that word. What makes you feel like you would rather die than be in a relationship? Does the idea of romance just repulse you? 

9 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Do people keep allergies all their lives, or grow out of them? Do they get better or worse? It's not something that can be applied to all of humanity. Some people's orientations change. Some people's genders change. Some people stay the same. Tell your friend to shut up and mind his own business.

Hey! Thanks so much for being the first to reply. I actually asked my friend about his opinion on this topic which is why he told me that answer  

Your answer made me feel relieved, because the thing is, I don’t WANT to be a grey- romantic at all, I want to be a normal alloromantic person and be able to fall in love, etc. I’m hoping one day I meet someone to make me fall in love and feel all of those strong feelings, but for now, I guess grey-romantic is the best label  have you changed or have you always been this way? 

I think I might be a grey-romantic, and I guess I’m just confused about this whole labels thing. I was talking to a friend today and he said I should not limit myself by putting myself in a box because people are expansive and ever changing and one day I might meet someone who makes me feel very strong romantic feelings, but this confused me. If it’s true that people are truly unlimited, then how could you use any labels at all? How could you ever say for sure that you were gay or straight? There must be some fixed limitations to people otherwise it wouldn’t make sense to use any label if people were indeed unlimited and expansive.

So if people are not fixed romantically, then how could anyone say for sure they were Aromantic? So There is no such thing as really being aromantic then? If the labels don’t exist at all, then everyone is fluid and not stuck being one way or the other. It must be fixed (at least somewhat) because otherwise how could you use a label at all? For example, when someone tells me they are gay, I assume they mean they have been that way for most (if not all) of their lives. It’s the general consensus that your sexual orientation, whether gay, straight, or whatever, is fixed and pretty much stays that way for your whole life. So with asexuality and aromantacism, being that they are also orientations like being gay, should those also not be fixed as well? Or at least somewhat? So if me being a grey romantic is not permanent, then how could I use this label, or how would any of the other labels be valid? So my friend is saying that everyone is normal and all of the aromantic people just haven’t met the right person?

However, I have seen online that some aromantic people wound up being wrong about themselves and meeting someone who made them fall in love, and some stay that way their entire lives, so it’s very confusing. Is orientation fixed or is it fluid? This is the question I’m trying to ask. 

Also, have any people on this site thought they were aromantic in the past but then gone on to fall in love in the future? As for me being a grey-romantic (which I say because I rarely get crushes and my feelings never seem to intensify past that), what does this mean for the future of my love life? Is falling in love and getting married and having a family still within the realm of possibility? If there are any grey-romantics on this thread, what has your experience with dating been like? 

Sorry about the long post, ANY info would be extremely helpful!