Ekaterina
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Posts posted by Ekaterina
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As far as I'm aware, a lot of aros during adolescent years mistake stuff for crushes. Strong friendship, aesthetic attraction, admiration of their skill, even just feeling comfortable with someone or finding them a nice person. Especially if they don't know they are aros at the moment and think everyone is supposed to have crushes, so they search for those in their life with a magnifying glass.
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First of all you should be honest with him and tell him everything, what kind of relationship do you want, basically what you have written here.
On both being uncomfortable with romantic things and craving it... I don't know why it happens, but again if you tell him maybe you can figure out together what to do about it. Just don't pressure yourself into doing uncomfortable things (esp to please the other party).
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Established harmonious couples are a thing I also am often inclined towards. In one of my favourite Agatha Christie's novels Hercule Poirot's Christmas, there are two long-married couples I like pretty much, one of them a peaceful soft man with self-esteem issues and a confident artistic mildly sassy but caring woman, another an emotional artistic man with issues about letting go of the past and a rational motherly woman. I like how they work as personalities balancing each other, how the characters understand and support each other, and helping personal growth of the characters. (Well more growth of the two guys gaining confidence/overcoming trauma, the two ladies are more static in this case)
Another couple I am actively invested in is from the same novel and counts more as "romantic" - these are guy and girl who meet each other and bond during the story. But what I love about this couple is their kindred spirits dynamics - starting their acquaintance from being visitors from different subtropical lands not feeling comfortable with the English climate and mentality, getting to know each other better and fascinated more and more with each other, realizing each other's longing for a place to belong as well as an adventure streak (turned out both pulled a crazy plan of assuming false identities just out of curiosity about something, which also was hilarious). Do I see them as "typically romantic"? Can't say; the dynamics in the novel involve a dance together but no kissing/gifts/this kind of stuff. I kind of feel a sensual part here but sensual attraction is its own thing.
Another couple I love a lot lately, from another work by the same author, is in fact a villain couple which doesn't stop being harmonious despite being villain (well also since it's a mystery novel they are surprise villains, but still); they are kind of established (it takes some time for the story to show they are in a relationship, but they already are at the starting point). I love them for being another good example of complementary opposites harmony (chaotic overconfident sassy guy and cold determined girl, an effective duo of Chaos+Order balance), as well as genuinely mutually caring and devoted to each other and working together. They are probably the most "typical romance" out of the characters I mentioned here. The heroic couple in the same novel is also pretty cute, also the "working together" part and the "Chaos+Order" part in a different way (only in this case the girl is chaos and the guy order), but I kind of am more invested in their friendship (they are childhood friends) than in their eventual romance. It is cute through, for the slight comedy parts I guess.
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Hello and welcome!
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If you do ship/support/are invested in any particular fictional romance, feel free to tell what it's like for you and what do you like about it! Especially if there are very few fictional couples that got your heart or genuinely impressed you (and looks like this is a frequent situation), it's very interesting to know what could make them special for an aro perception.
If you want to discuss a particular fictional romance you don't quite understand or are confused about, this is also a place for such discussions.
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Question to the people who do enjoy at least some fictional ships: do we have a topic on the forum something like "Fictional love stories seen by aro eyes" where we would tell about the couples we like, to be able to discuss it with other people with aro perspective, to see better what kind of couples we are invested into and why, what is typically romantic and not typically romantic about them, how we understand it, etc? Additionally, probably discussing fictional ships (not only those we are invested with, but in general) from aro perspective in general could be interesting too. If there is no such topic, would anyone want it? I think it could be useful in some ways or at least interesting.
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2 hours ago, skies said:
Additionally, responding to your use of "born with", what are your thoughts on "caedromantic" labels?
I may have chosen an incomplete wording, sorry for that. Caedromantic also isn't supposed to be a choice, it is something people develop naturally. "Born with or developed naturally" should have been a better wording. The point still stands, it is the person's natural situation.
2 hours ago, skies said:I guess this is where we disagree. My reasoning is that there's power in numbers. If more people identify as or identify with (I consider these to be different) aro, it shows that just because something is the majority, that doesn't make it "normal". My view is that more people in a minority group does not "dilute" the minority, rather it weakens the majority.
Your approach doesn't add numbers, it shrinks numbers drastically. It excludes every aromantic who lived before the term "aromantic" was introduced (aka for most of the history of humankind), and every aromantic who lives in a place where this term isn't known or used. You invalidate their experience by making them "not really aromantic" because you literally said above that the person who doesn't identify as an aromantic isn't it. Which is... not a clever thing to say.
What of the people who don't know yet they are aromantic? Who believe that they "need to fix themselves" or "must be just in denial" or whatever? Isn't the one of the main purposes of aromanticism awareness is to help those people realize who they are? Are they "not really aromantic" because they don't know the word or its meaning? Is it not our concern to support their validness? Was I not aromantic a year ago by your logic because I didn't know the term's meaning?
2 hours ago, skies said:I don't see these as mutually exclusive. Everything is political. I have different feelings and I'm making a political statement that my different feelings do not make me less human.
No, surprise but the fact I don't get crushes or want to date people is not political.
(Also, the statement "my feelings don't make me less human" isn't political on itself either. "More human" or "less human" isn't a question that politics decide on most of the time, it's social bias and popular beliefs. What you - and I, and likely most of people here - want is spreading awareness and speaking against prejudice, not getting a spot in a government or something of this sort.)
And repeating what I said in my post more clearly, thinking it inherently is political is literally why bigoted people are able to make orientations illegal. Because having feelings concerning your private life, and especially helping other people with same issues, is conflated with political movements. And you aren't helping it.
A neutral analogy: some people have, let's say, red hair. Some red-haired people may start a political movement for one reason or another. Maybe it's actually to defend red-haired people against some form of discrimination when they get in power (such discrimination actually existed in some cultures by the way). Yet saying every red-haired person you see on the street is being "political" or shouldn't be called "real redhead" is stupid, right?
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Welcome!
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Welcome!
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Hello, welcome!
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What you said sounds pretty much aromantic to me. A number of aros are interested in QPRs, some are interested in sexual relationships, and many like stuff like cuddling and hugs which doesn't have to be romantic. (Many people cuddle and hug their family members for example, you yourself said you like physical contact with friends)
If you don't see your feelings as romance and are uncomfortable with imagining it this way, then your feelings aren't romance. Especially as you said you don't like to do "traditionally romantic" stuff (but it isn't such a 100% sure criteria, some people like some "traditionally romantic" activity in a non-romantic context, some on the contrary don't do some "traditionally romantic" activity while in romantic relationship).
So yes, you are fully justified considering yourself aromantic if you feel this way.
It's natural you were scared and confused when your relationship you considered something you are comfortable with turned out to be seen by the other party as something you aren't comfortable with. In situations like this, communication is key. Explain to him about your orientation and nature of your feelings, if you still want to have a non-romantic special connection with him tell him so and that your love isn't any "less" for not being romantic. If you want to be alone, sorry I don't know how you properly part with him, maybe someone else can give a good advice here.
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Hello, welcome! Happy to be of help if needed 🥰
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Have you tried explaining them what being aromantic means? If yes and they still were doing that, it just looks like they don't want to understand someone can want different things in life and have a different idea of happiness, which is an issue with them, not with you. Sorry you have to deal with this treatment, sending virtual hugs to you if you are okay with them: 🫂
Don't let it get in your head, people who think they know better what everyone needs or wants while they are just projecting and unwilling to listen are a pain, whether to aros, to people with unpopular interests, to everyone who isn't a copy of themselves in general. It isn't an issue with you.
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Hello and welcome! Hope you will be able to learn what do you need to figure out your identity. I'm (kinda fictoromantic) aroace so not sure how helpful can I be about frayromantic and aegoromantic experiences, but would be glad if I could help with anything.
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I relate and have related to a lot of characters for different reasons but I'll try to choose those related to my aromanticism.
For aromanticism reasons, I recall relating to Snow Maiden as a teen, but also to some characters who are in calm established relationships as opposed to typical romance. I also was quite inclined to relating to characters who were considered odd for being more reserved and quiet (bonus point if they weren't interested in partners that society wanted to set them with, even if they ended up finding a love interest eventually - for my young self my disinterestedness in romance wasn't separated from my other "oddness" aka disliking companies/parties/noises, unpopular interests, this kind of stuff).
When I was older I got a special liking for the One Sane Man in the Group trope and could relate to it sometimes, and it's when my aromanticism also contributed to it, since I relate especially if the One Sane Man is being trying to talk reason into romance-blinded characters (think Benvolio Montague for example). In many other aspects of life I can only look up to be this trope (love it anyway).
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Hello and welcome!
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8 hours ago, Nagito said:
I personally dislike it when there's canon romance in works of another genres – especially when it's heteronormative romance that is pushed down your throat and I'm really, really picky about ships. Someone would think that because most of my ships are slash then I ship anything between two (or more) male characters, but I don't. There are many ships (and tropes) I just can't stomach.
I am the complete opposite, I most of the time am not interested in romance-centric stories but like some romance subplots in different kinds of stories, where it's just one of the many aspects of life and one of many ways to care and not the center of the world, just like it should be. I don't like most of the cases where romance is everything a character's conflict and story is about (unless it's purposedly written this way to deconstruct it), I like when people just go well together whether as friends or romance, and I am okay when a romantic subplot is a part of a character's journey of overcoming deeper issues/fixing their flaws/finding themselves.
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Yes, and it's actually the frequent position of those who oppress all kinds of minority orientations, they think it's making a political statement or alternatively a leisure activity, as opposed to just being born with different natural feelings. I am not a member of some kind of secret cult by being aromantic, I just want to live my life the way I'm comfortable with. That's the point.
A little off topic, on what the previous commenter says about the activists who want to prove single life is better: no I don't support the idea that being single is objectively better for everyone, just as I don't support the idea that being married is objectively better for everyone. Both are projecting your needs on people without consideration of their needs. There are disabled people and people with weak health that physically can't survive alone, there are people financially poor who won't be able to simultaneously earn enough money for quality life and take care of the household alone, there are people who emotionally and mentally cannot live alone without family support system, and not everyone has siblings or living parents or is on close enough terms with all of them to share the house forever, and don't forget this nuance that the human species needs to reproduce, and many people actively want to (and being a single parent is extremely difficult, both emotionally, financially, and finding time for everything). And yes, I often want to marry for some of these reasons, which (back on the topic) doesn't stop me from being aromantic.
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Agree with what the other commenters say. Not wanting relationships already has a word, it's called single by choice. Aro as term exists to describe your nature as someone who doesn't have this type of feeling that aphobes think everyone must have, its exact purpose is to let people who don't HAVE romantic feelings know they aren't underdeveloped or ill or heartless or whatever some societies say. Sure, single people who aren't aros can have some similar struggles but not all, and can be described as its own thing (and "singlism" as a type of discrimination against single people is a word that exists alongside "aphobia").
P. S. Also yes, highly committed relationship and romance aren't synonyms. There are tons of ways to have a highly committed relationship that aren't what is deemed romantic.
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About your art account, you absolutely don't have to create art of something you don't want or especially are uncomfortable with, it literally isn't what art is about. Art is about expressing yourself and things that inspire and interest you. If you aren't comfortable with romantic art, don't do romantic art, forcing yourself will just end with forced and soulless works as well as with your emotional exhaustion. Doing art of things that actually interest you will be much more valuable for the world. Especially if it's about something not explored often by other artists (such as, like the commenter above said, non-ship art in some fandom spaces, and other kinds of rare topics).
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On 3/14/2024 at 8:02 AM, Leistorm said:
I got a whole list here:
Leo Valdez from Percy Jackson - aromantic heterosexual
Reyna from Percy Jackson - confirmed asexual, headcannon aroace
Frodo and Bilbo Baggins: Aroace
Donnie, Rottmnt: Bi-angled aroace
Krel, Trollhunters: Aroace, specifically romance-repulsed
Willow Park, The Owl House: Pan-oriented aroace
Hunter, The Owl House: Bi-angled aroace (demi-aroace)
Hiro Hamada, Big Hero 6: Aroace
Merida, Brave: Aroace
Elsa, Frozen: Lesbian-oriented aroace
Isabela Madrigal, Encanto: lesbian-oriented aroace
Jack Frost, Rise of the Guardians: aroace
Mercutio, Romeo and Juliet: aroace, romance-repulsed
Katniss Everdeen, Hunger Games: hetero-oriented aroace
Blitz and Hearth, Magnus Chase: in a QPR???
Pidge, Voltron: aroace
Good idea with romance-repulsed aro Mercutio! I'd probably think of aroallo for him instead of aroace through, or at least sex-favorable.
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I like good romantic songs too, and also yes to interpreting some in context of other versions of love.
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Welcome!
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You might be aro if...
in Aromantic Discussion
Posted
Well I don't belong to a culture that has this tradition and know it only from Western media and stuff, but it kind of feels for me this way too? I mean, if people want to kiss each other they can do it regardless of mistletoe, and the point of the mistletoe kissing is that you cannot say no to whoever may want to kiss you, which is... not a good thing? And forcing the actual couples to make a public show for people to laugh at out of their relationship isn't good either? Or do I misunderstand it? (You said "I thought" not "I think", so your view changed?)
Same.
Wouldn't it make it on the contrary easier? If there's one expression for romance and other expression that isn't romance-coded and therefore absolutely safe in non-romantic contexts?