Kian

I'm currently 19-years-old (male), and I "came-out" aged 14: bi-sexual. There was times I felt I was more attracted to men then other times women and in some cases neither... this is when I started to not put a sexuality label on myself at aged 16 and loved life. From the end of 2022 to now, I have started to go clubbing and experience more. I had my first boyfriend at aged 14 and girlfriend at age 13... but the past 8 months I have been feeling seriously out of sync with myself, not knowing what I want or who I want and it's got to the point where its on my mind regularly: Am I never going find love? Am I attracted to anyone? Is it a phase that I'm now exiting? I will go into detail because I feel there will be people who have had the same. When I kiss people (men majority of the time) I get turned on, touching does the same but when it comes to sexual stuff so sex and other things, I feel I just shut off and I get turned off massively... this is become a reoccurring thing when I'm being sexually involved with guys and I feel I'm getting more and more confused everytime it's happening... I go drive, get home or get to work and feel this tremendous anxiety and guilt that I can't give what the other person wants, which results into me shutting myself off from everyone romantically. When my mind goes quiet, I think about this regularly and I get angry, upset, emotionally detached and I shut off any sort of interaction that involves a possible romance because I know it will happen again and again. I love romance, I love cuddling, kissing, laughing, physical touch, going on dates and feeling I belong... and I feel all these things, but when it gets to the sexual stuff, I've always said I want to wait until I'm with my forever/long term partner to go the extra mile and have anal/vaginal (whatever the case is). Is this a reason why I get turned off when it gets to that point because I know psychologically that I don't have that full bond? Alot of the people I've been involved with have been short/hook-up like. This all got worse when I kissed my friend 19 (female)... and I started questioning once again. To all the people I've spoken to, they've all said I don't need to figure anything out or know as I'm young... but I'm so drained of feeling like I'll never have love just because I don't know how I'm feeling, or what I should feel! Do we know what it's like to feel like you've found "the one", to feel you are in love? I need someone who makes me laugh, makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel loved, have that underlying strong friendship where you trust them with anything and be your best friend while having that romantic side. I can live without sex and that stuff, romance I need truly and I think this is why I possibly feel out of balance because everyone around me want more sex or both. Can anyone help me out, or if you're reading this thinking this is you... you're not alone, I know how you feel and I hope we get there!❤️