SoupPoweredMustelid

On 2/24/2023 at 12:37 PM, hemogoblin said:

Ooh, this is giving me flashbacks in a bad way.

I do not think the problem here is that you "don't show you care enough". I think the problem is, best case scenario, a basic incompatibility. You "don't show you care enough" (whatever that even means) for this person's specific desires. They want something that isn't you, and that doesn't even have to particularly be an aro thing (though, certainly, it could be related/intertwined). It comes down to how you each express yourselves. What you each want out of a relationship.

I'm wary when people talk about compromise. If there's things you can do that are positive for the relationship and for you, that's one thing. But in my experience, compromise only ever meant sacrifice, and after going through that, I 100% don't believe anyone should have to settle for that. If a romantic relationship is indeed what you want, then other person's needs aside, you deserve a relationship in which you are accepted and supported as is. Not one in which you're constantly made to feel like you're not enough. That's not a healthy relationship. Allos face this kind of incompatibility all the time, where romance means different things to them and they show affection in different ways and they're looking for different forms of intimacy. You are not lesser or broken or wrong because you are potentially incompatible in a romantic relationship with this person (or because you don't want romance at all).

You feel guilty because they want more physical romantic gestures. I wonder if they feel guilty for ignoring the multitudes of ways in which you show and tell them how deeply you connect with them and care about them that aren't giving them flowers or chocolates? Do either of you need to feel guilty for having different needs? No! A better question is if you can accept the other person for who they are and be happy and satisfied with that in this type of relationship.

You would be enough for someone you were compatible with. You wouldn't constantly feel guilty and bad and like you're not doing enough.

There are lots of ways to tackle guilt, but the best way is to get to the root of the problem. Does your guilt stem from something you are actually doing to hurt someone else? Does it stem from not meeting societal expectations? Does it stem from someone else constantly putting you down and trying to fit you into a box that simply isn't you-shaped? (And the answer may be a complex amount of more than one of these.) Once you figure out that, then you can better figure out how to cope with and lessen your guilt.

You deserve to be happy. Don't settle for a relationship that takes that away from you.

couldn't have said it better myself. honestly wish someone would have told me this years ago when i was questioning.

for me it's definitely a trust thing. there's only one or two people i ever feel ok touching me, and even then rarely, so i consider myself anti touch.

i've been repulsed by touch since i was little. it makes my skin crawl and makes me feel like i'm going to explode if not done in a Very Specific Way

and i've had touch forced on me my whole life in one way or another. i used to resist or fight back, but i was punished enough that i gave up.

i've had many traumatic experiences with touch too.

if i'm not expecting it, being touched is enough to send me into a panic attack. most awkward thing in the world when a friend you haven't seen in a year runs up and hugs you and you freak the fuck out lol.

it's gross, it's awkward, it's a huge exercise in trust. i never know when to initiate it or end it. i never know when to say yes and when to say no. i just don't like it. and i don't want almost anyone touching me.