Tallow

I've been researching about autism and adhd for over 8 months now and I finally got diagnosed like 3 hours ago!! I have both! Feeling very validated right now!!!

That is all. :)

(btw i'll probably not respond to any comments if i get them because aaaaaaaaaaaa, yknow?)

QPRs to me are just relationships that defy "normal" (I couldn't think of a better word) relationship boundaries. The boundaries that they defy or the attraction that is involved in the relationships are purely up to the people in it.

This could mean people who do not feel romantic attraction to each other, but still want to be in a partnership and do typically "romantic" things with the other person. (What this means is, again, defined by the people involved, as romantic attraction or romantic things do not have set in stone definitions.) A QPR could also mean one person feels romantic attraction and thinks of it as dating, while the other doesn't know what they feel but still wants to be in a partnership with that person. 

In any of these relationships they could do anything they want, such as cuddle, live together, have sex, go on dates, etc. Basically a QPR is a chaotic, undefined force of nature that I am thoroughly in love with. 

4

I hate kissing with a passion, but cuddles and hugs are literally the best. Having a SO myself (qpr), I'm comfortable with it as long as it doesn't get put in the context of romance (like when their friends ship me with zem). Then it gets gross. I have a weird relationship with pet names. They're bad in theory, but I liked them this one time, so idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ .

Also platonic dates are where it's at!!

8 hours ago, queer_kaleidoscope said:

ah;dskjfasd congratulations, i'm so happy for you!! :) 

6 hours ago, alto said:

YESSSSS CONGRATULATIONS

6 hours ago, sevan said:

woo

3 hours ago, Deltalorian said:

That's awesome, congratulations!

3 hours ago, Harvest said:

you dropped this king 👑

TYSMMMM :DD

1 hour ago, alien said:

:D

Congratulations!!

1 hour ago, AroAcedragon13 said:

:D   

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🎉🎉

45 minutes ago, Aye said:

Congratulations!!!!!!

37 minutes ago, A User said:

AAAAAAAAAA CONGRATSSS

26 minutes ago, EGGHEAD said:

wow congrats!!!

Thank you all!!! :DDDDD

I'M IN A QPR!!! LIKE A SERIOUS, FR, QPR!!!! 

I EVEN GOT PERMISSION TO CALL THEM MY QUEERPLATONIC PARTNER AND EVERYTHING!! EEEEEEEE
I'm happy stimming so much rn!!!!!!! :DDDD

(If u don't know what a qpr is, here's a link: https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship )

11 hours ago, Mark said:

Just as problematic is the way in which it's not uncommon for many parts of the aro community to lionise (and romanticise) the likes of platonic attraction, squishes, Queer Platonic Relationships, Platonic Life Partnerships, etc.

Often implying that "platonic attractions" is more than sexual, physical/sensual, other emotional, aesthetic, intellectual or other non-romantic attractions.

Yeah, the hierarchy that people put on types of attraction often goes both ways. 

11 hours ago, Mark said:

Aromantic people can be aplatonic, quoiplatonic, greyplatonic, demiplatonic, etc as well as alloplatonic. Unfortunately alloplatonic can often be a default assumption, even though it may only apply to a minority of aros.

That's a great point. Now that I think about it, I have seen this quite a lot within the aro community. 

11 hours ago, Mark said:

Also far too common in aro spaces and material is the false dichotomy of "romantic or platonic". Which erases a large set of other possibilities. Especially in the contecxts of attraction and relationships.

That was actually one of the main reasons why I dedicated a large portion of my time making this list. I kept finding things about romantic or platonic, but nothing matched my experiences. Even the rare post about sensual or aesthetic attraction never fully described my feelings. This list helped with that a lot. 

Welllllllll around 3 years ago I created this character that I thought was really cool. It was a ghost candle with not much background aside from the fact that it has to take people's souls and add them to its flame to continue "living". I decided that I needed a name for this character, and so the hunt began. I was looking all around the internet for names for around a week, being the indecisive little queer I am, when I found something. Tallow. 


 

It sounded cool, it meant something for my character, and it was original! I picked Tallow for my oc name (and my name for practically everything else), and I haven't looked back since!     (Wow that was dramatic-)

9 hours ago, Mark said:

This is somewhat different from the way regular psychology tends to define attraction:

• Romantic
• Sexual
• Physical/Sensual
• Emotional (or which Platonic is only a subset)
• Aesthetic
• Intellectual

Most notably that both Romantic and Sexual are seen as entirely their own things rather than part of another attraction.

Yeah, the thing I don't like about those is that it makes out platonic attraction or eriattractions to be less than romantic/sexual attraction. ..Although I will admit it is a much cleaner way of sorting attraction into boxes than mine-

Hello people!!

A few months ago I went on a rampage, finding and documenting every type of attraction I could in a Google Doc. I still look at it every now and again, but aside from that it's kind of just sitting there. I decided that instead of letting it collect dust, I would transfer it to a carrd.io website and share it with you guys! So without further ado, here you go: 

https://types-of-attraction.carrd.co/

**Disclaimer: This list is not at all perfect, and I would love any criticism/help/add-ons you can give me!

Edit: I have reorganized the list a little. 

166

1 hour ago, TatzelwurmMilk said:

Hey Tallow! 

(CW: lots of talk about general discomfort and anxiety)

YES, 100%. I have an anxiety disorder so I think that plays into the nervous feeling a lot. I tend to get more nervous around new people, which I think is true for everyone, but because of how anxious I used to get, it seemed like the feeling was too strong to be "just platonic." This was definitely influenced by how I had seen crushes be portrayed before. Crushes are explained like "I'm in pain but it's enjoyable!" which was very confusing because I was not enjoying myself lol. I think that could have also played a role in me finding out I had anxiety later than I could have because I thought that was just how anxious everyone was.

It made me think I had crushes on friends a lot. That made me uncomfortable and I didn't know why but now I know that I am at least a little romance repulsed most of the time.  

Hi Tatzel!!! 

Yeah, that must have been pretty challenging to figure out. A lot of the things that are typically associated with having a crush are also symptoms of like, medical conditions lmao. 

1 hour ago, TatzelwurmMilk said:

I love hugging and cuddling and I've never thought of it as romantic for myself. I am definitely very aware of touch coming off as romantic though. I feel like any touch comes off as me trying to flirt or something, which is partially to blame on my anxiety. Even hugging in public can make me feel like people are staring. When I know that the person I'm hugging/cuddling doesn't see it in a romantic context and others don't see it in a romantic context, then I can enjoy physical touch. 

I love being able to talk about these things in a space with other people who might feel the same. It helps work though my feelings. So, thank you for asking about this! 

Yasssss hugging and cuddling is where it's at!! I hate how it's always supposed to be seen as romantic. I cuddle all the time with friends and there's always just this voice in the back of my mind telling me that they're going to think it's weird or smth because it's "romantic". I've never thought of cuddling as romantic, even with my old partners. Even when my heart was beating really fast or I was enjoying it a lot or blah blah blah. There are no guidelines to if a gesture is romantic or not, no matter now fast your heart is beating or how much your experience lines up to the typical "romantic" experience. If you don't think/intend for something to be romantic, it's not romantic. Period. 

Sorry for that rant lol (which was more or less directed at myself.) I'm glad I could help! 

2 hours ago, alien said:

hi! 

yeah, I had this big squish on someone and I thought it was romantic attraction even though I knew I didn't want to date them.

and I also had those butterflies so it must be romantic, right?

turns out it wasn't 

Omg slayyyyyyy!! We love squishes 🤩
 

37 minutes ago, NotHeartless said:

Hello Tallow and welcome to the forums!
To answer your question: yes, I get intense squishes sometimes wich I mistook for crushes. I then do feel a bit nervous around them, most notably I get really excited.
I get excited when I talk to them or they message me and I love to spend my time with them.
I don't desire to be exclusive with them though, it's just really a hype when I meet someone I like and find interesting. :)

Hello!!! That's so interesting. Exclusivity is one of the biggest differences I've seen with people separating squishes and crushes. Although I don't think that's how it works for me, it's still really cool to see others coming up with ways to differentiate them. :D

I'm new here and I wanted to ask around and see if anyone has had similar experiences to me. So, have any of you felt strong sensual attraction to someone else and mistook it as a crush? Or strong aesthetic/sensual/alterous/whatever else attraction that isn't romantic?

Bonus Point: You got butterflies and nervous around this person. 

If you can't relate to this, that's alright, I'd be glad to meet some new a-spec friends anyway!! :D

1 hour ago, TatzelwurmMilk said:

Interesting. It sounds to me like the most likely attractions you were feeling was a mix of alterous, sensual, and maybe aesthetic.

I think it could have been alterous because you are unsure of the attraction you were feeling. Sensual because you had a constant want to cuddle/touch them. Maybe aesthetic because you got flustered when you were around them, but that could be for other reasons. 

It's difficult to assume someone else's feelings because different people have different definitions of what romantic attraction is. It's more subjective which things "count" as romantic. And actions most people would immediately assume to be romantic could be done without romantic intent. 

Also, don't feel pressured to label it. You might come to the conclusion that none of the attractions you thought it might have been were what you actually felt. It's ok to let your experience just be an experience. Good luck with figuring it out, I hope this helped a bit! 

Yeah that's what I was thinking. Although I'm not sure if it was aesthetic. It might have been a little, but I don't know if it was one of the big ones. 

Also yeah, romance is really subjective, which is why it's been so hard to figure out what I felt. Good news is I did find a label the other day that would explain what I felt (theoretically). It's called Quasiromantic. Here's a link describing it: https://aromanticquiz.carrd.co/#quasi

Thank you so much for the input! It really did help. :)

3 hours ago, Collie said:

Not everyone experiences romantic attraction the exact same way, but only you can decide if it was or not. Perhaps you had a squish, which is a "friend crush"? Squishes can feel very similar to a crush.

Perhaps.. 
I honestly have no idea. I hope I figure it out eventually lol

So back when I had my first relationship, I always felt like something was off, but I could never pinpoint what. I know now that it was because I'm on the aro spectrum, but I still don't know what the attraction I was feeling was. So I'm coming to you guys for help. 
 
I've looked through many many lists of what it's like to have a crush/romantic attraction, and I've looked at the different types of crushes and types of love and, well, just all of it. Somehow I still can't seem to make my mind up about what I was feeling, so here are some lists. Have fun!

What I Did Feel/Experience
- Felt flustered whenever I was near them.
- Always wanted to be touching them and cuddling them (I'm ace so not in a sexual way).
- Liked flirting with them and that's all I wanted to do, even when I got into a relationship with them. It got to a point where I was annoyed to talk to them normally and couldn't hold up a conversation because I was bored unless we were flirting.
- Got butterflies whenever I thought about them/whenever they texted me. (This quickly turned into anxiety and not wanting to talk to them. I'm assuming this was because they gave me very little attention and I didn't want to mess anything up with the little chances I got.)
- Fantasized about us cuddling/touching (again, I'm ace so not in a sexual way.)

What I Did Not Feel/Experience
- The desire to get to know them as a person or build a stronger emotional bond with them.
- The desire to build a stronger relationship than we already had. I'm not even sure if I really wanted to date them in the first place. I liked how flustered and excited they made me feel, and I guess dating them was a way to keep those feelings in my life, but it wasn't really about them as a person.
- I did not enjoy kissing them.
- Although I subconsciously knew we were in a "romantic" relationship, I never really thought of it that way. I always thought I cared too much about their body (aka cuddles and the attention they gave me) and not enough about them as a person for it to be romantic. 
- I like the attention they gave me and how loved I felt, but once I was asked to give that love back, I struggled a lot. It felt fake.
- Did not pay great attention to how they acted, things they liked, etc. My friends described crushes as wanting to get to know everything about them, but I didn't relate. 
- Did not fantasize or think about us doing romantic coded things such as going on dates or to school dances together. It just never crossed my mind. 

Do you think it was romantic attraction? Alterous? Sensual? Aesthetic? A mix? Lmk. 

2 hours ago, TatzelwurmMilk said:

Hey, y'all! You can call me Rowan, he/they. I'm aroallo, just figured that out last month. 

I haven't tried to be active in any online communities for a while but thought I should give it a go again since this seems like such an accepting place. I've just been lurking around to feel out the space. 

I am currently learning Spanish which I have wanted to do for a while. I love drawing and listening to music. Some of my favorite music genres are dubstep and trap metal. 

Hoping I can learn more about arospec identities and intersectionality. I've also seen some pretty fun topics, like an aro religion, so I hope I can add to that creative side of the community as well! 

Oh my gosh HIIIIIIII!!! My name is Rowan too!!! And I also use he/they pronouns (along with it/xe)!!!

Nice to meet you new friend :]

3 minutes ago, Fanz_0__Fire said:

Don't feel any pressure to label yourself. You can just go by aro or aro-spec if that feels right, it's all of rather little consequence. But to break down some things, aromantic people can still feel romantic attraction. Aro is little to no romantic attraction, so someone can be full on aro and still feel some sexual attraction. There are so many terms (I'm pretty sure there's a list somewhere in the welcome page), and if one of them ends out feeling right, that's great. But if not, there's really no pressure to find a label. Although, if you're looking for something to look into, there is aro-spike, aroflux, and abroromantic. All of these are terms to describe a fluid feeling of romantic attraction. Just something to look into, not a definitive thing. Hope it helps :)

Thank you! I'll look into those labels, but in the meantime, ill just call myself aro-spec. I do hope I'll be able to find a label that fits better though, as labels give me a huge sense of euphoria and validity. Thanks again! ^^ 

So I've been out as ace for about 4 months now, and I've recently began wondering if I'm on the aro-spec too. I do have my doubts though, considering I've been in two short relationships back to back, with at least some romantic attraction in those. I'm confused as to if it was all romantic attraction or if it was mostly sensual/aesthetic or whatever, but no matter. Here's what I know: 

- I've had to fake having crushes to fit in.
- I didn't have a crush or like anyone until 8th grade (when the two back to back relationships were) and I haven't liked anyone since.
- I thought I was omnisexual/romantic because I felt the same about everyone, which was nothing.
- Never been in love/experienced intense romantic attraction.
- Cannot imagine myself in a romantic marriage, can with a platonic one.
- I get romance repulsed sometimes.
- Kissing is gross, in a romantic sense or not.
- Some aro-spec labels feel right, but I feel bad fully committing to anything considering I change my mind about my romantic orientation every day. 

A note: I am still pretty young, so I might just not have enough experience with this yet. I am also autistic, which might be messing with some things. 

If you have anything that could help, please let me know!