Dominus Temporis

Garlic should be a symbol of aromanticism 

On 9/17/2020 at 9:33 PM, FaerySilverwings said:

Hello fellow aroace peeps!

Out of curiosity, did anyone else here have trouble realizing their identity because they just... didn't get into situations where it would come into play? (For example, I was never around other people my age until I was in uni, so a lot of the "wait, I don't experience what other teenagers seem obsessed about" moments I've heard other aro and ace people describe just didn't happen to me at all.)

I was homeschooled from the ages of 12-15, so yeah, I can certainly relate to that. 

On 8/15/2022 at 9:59 PM, AFlyingPiglet said:

This is a really good question. 

I think I feel more aro than ace. 

When I first came across the term asexual and discovered AVEN, I was shocked to learn that a lot of aces still wanted a romantic relationship etc. I knew I was ace but it took a while to understand I'm aro as well, simply because I thought they were the same thing. 

I feel more aro as I don't want to be in a relationship (such things are just not on my radar). Other people seem obsessed by this yet it never crosses my mind.

Quite lot of aces are also looking for or have a partner, ideally another ace, which is fine, but not for me. 

I have faced a fair bit of discrimination over the years from people who have problems with accepting I'm happy on my own so I think being aro is seen as more of a threat to them than being ace.

I'm not explaining this very well so I hope it makes some sort of sense. 

 

I, too, found it weird at first that aro and ace wasn't the same when I came across the terms

My name is latin for "time lord" because I used to like Doctor Who a lot when I was younger, and I enjoy learning different languages + I have a massive interest in history. 

I'm not playing any... I miss it sometimes 

Green tea 

54 minutes ago, SilenceRadio said:

I used to identify as aroace. These days, not so much: I consider myself "asexual" only. Yet my experience with romance hasn't changed: I still enjoy fictional romance from times to times, still don't want a romantic relationship, still reject "romantic attraction" as one coherent thing, still not keen on "love" (and just about anything) as something fundamental to humans. It just so happens that I now consider these experiences to be ace ones for me. I've stopped calling myself aro for multiple reasons:

• The dual orientation framework of [romantic orientation] + [sexual orientation] was the first one I got introduced to. Later on, I realized that some people lacked sexual attraction, yet still called themselves heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual. Sexual orientation described the gender(s) they were oriented to. I liked that idea, as long as it wasn't universalized, and it made much more sense to me, especially since I just... couldn't conceptualize my own experience with the concept of "romantic orientation". I'm not exactly sure why, but I felt alienated from that framework. It was like separating two things that were one and the same for me, so I dropped it.

 

• I was afraid that if I called myself aromantic, people would interpret my asexuality as merely pertaining to the way I feel about sex. I don't feel like reducing my asexuality to sex makes sense: my relationship to romance and my relationship to sexuality are one and the same. Each time I say I'm not interested in men nor women, my dad asks me if I'm asexual. I've had a friend wondering if I was asexual because I didn't want to date. I like having others considering my asexuality as something whole rather than a fragmented piece that can only be about sexuality. If non-aro bisexual people don't have to call themselves biromantic, I don't have to call myself aromantic.

 

• I felt dehumanized because of an experience I tied to my asexuality rather than my aromanticism. Even though I was equally fine with not wanting sex and not wanting to be in a romantic relationship, I struggled for months with something that treated my aromanticism as a default and my asexuality as a lie I had fabricated myself. I wasn't a witness to many debates regarding who was "truly" aro in the aro community, whereas I purposefully joined AVEN in a time where people kept debating the validity of the newly suggested definition and criticized the approach to identity that was what allowed me to consider myself (aro) ace in the first place. I associated asexuality with pain, and for a while going back to IDing as just aro felt appealing. That didn't last for long as I encountered one AVEN discussion that seemed to take romantic essentialism for granted (or at least, that's how I interpreted it), which broke the illusion that aromanticism was the only orientation I could claim without being implicitly told I was wrong. Regarding the medicalization of certain types of asexuality, that felt much closer to my experience as someone who briefly wondered if I could take meds to be (or not to be) asexual. I never considered my lack of romantic drive an issue that needed to be fixed: the only thing that needed fixing was how people felt about it.

I was (and still am) in my late teens: romantic crushes are often experienced when you're young, so my aromanticism felt secure in a way my asexuality never did (I had a lot of "am I a late-bloomer?" doubts). And running away from it felt like defeat. I've felt like I could be aro for way longer than I've felt allowed to be ace, and so identifying as ace, just ace, without thinking of what the respectability-oriented alloromantic aces or anyone else would think... felt liberating.

I feel like aro discussions tend to interest me more though, even two years after beginning to question my orientation.

At first, when lurking AVEN, I distinctly remember feeling alienated from all the romance talk. I suppose I've become more accepting of romance as I questioned my orientation? I don't know if it's because I magically keep spending time with just aro aces and very few alloromantic aces in ace communities, though. Most alloromantic aces are single, and some of them either have given up or aren't interested in a romantic relationship, so I've never felt odd for that.

Very interesting perspective! I can certainly agree with a lot of the points here. All the early signs that I was asexual were likewise early signs that I was aromantic - they were always parts of the same thing. I'm fine with calling myself aroace, but I see them as a whole, and the fact that one can be one without the other is something I struggle to understand. 

As long as it's vegan, I'll eat it. 

But if I had to pick one dish, I'd go for Borsch (the soup) - without meat, obviously -. It's great! 

Sure. I mean, I am asexual as well, so it's not like polygamy really has a place in my life, but I always thought monogamy was pretty weird. 

10 minutes ago, Pyr said:

I identify more strongly with aromanticism than asexuality. I feel like it effects my life more than asexuality. Similar to what nonmerci said, I'd describe myself as "aro" or "aroace", but probably not just "ace". I think that's partially because if I were to tell someone I was just ace, they'd probably assume I was allo. Plus I'm still (sorta??) questioning my sexual orientation.

Saw this same question on Aven based on this one, and most people there felt more ace than aro, which makes sense

Yes, I asked the question on Aven as well, and it's not surprising that most people on here feel more aro than ace, and that the folks on Aven feel more ace than aro.

I personally feel like they are two sides of the same coin. I suppose aromanticism makes asexuality more visible as well - if someone who is asexual is in a relationship, people will just assume they're not asexual. 

Yuck

Beyond meat (look it up)

I find that describing how you feel without calling yourself aromantic asexual might help. But people will probably still react with "you're too young to know". I'm 19, and I still get reactions like that. 

Yeah, I can understand that. I don't really know what's considered a "high libido", but I think mine is in the lower-ish range. I am sex repulsed as well, so sex isn't something I'd ever actually consider. 

Here is a question for all my fellow aroaces out there: do you feel more aro or ace? Which part of your orientation takes up the most space? Which do you think the most about? Which do you struggle with the most? Which do you feel the most discrimination because of? 

I've personally spent a lot more time thinking about my asexuality, but I think that's mainly due to the fact that aromanticism is even more invisible than asexuality. And to be honest, I often have a really hard time relating to alloromantic aces; finding a partner seems to be a big part of their lives. 

I live with my mother. Everyone keeps assuming that I want to find my own place soon, but I'm happy like this, and so is she. It makes everything cheaper for both of us, and seeing as I'm aroace, and she plans to remain single, I think it's a great solution.

I remember this one time, many years ago, when I was 11; I was at school, and during recess some of my friends were talking. I wasn't really part of the conversation as such, but I was sitting more or less next to them, and I probably joined in with the occasional remark. At some point, one of my friends took out his phone and started showing everyone pictures of his "girlfriend". I was quite puzzled. I thought we were WAY too young to have girlfriends, but no one else seemed surprised. On the contrary, all my other friends started nodding and saying things like, "lucky you", or "she's pretty". I couldn't think of anything to say, so I asked him why he had a girlfriend. I don't think he understood the question. "Like... Why would you have a girlfriend?", I continued. "What do you mean?", he asked. "Like... Why aren't you just friends? And why have one girlfriend and not multiple? What do you two even do together that make you more than friends? Why bother? None of it makes sense", I responded (There was probably a bit more back and forth, and I might not have been to precise in my wording back then). Everyone looked at me. He started explaining, "A girlfriend is like... Someone you care for. Someone you stick to. Someone who is especially important to you. You do everything not to lose her". It still didn't make any sense to me. I honestly thought he was being a bit silly; surly no one ACTUALLY felt like that! I mean, sure, that's how they talk about it in the movies, but come on! People don't REALLY feel like that... Do they? After I kept on not understanding anything (and after one of the other boys had tried to explain it to me by saying exactly the same), he eventually gave up, concluding, "It will make sense when you get a bit older. Soon, you will want a girlfriend as well". 

And how wrong he was! 

Now, almost a decade later, I have never even kissed a girl (or a guy), and trust me, I've had MANY opportunities.