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18 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Just as a little reminder- The term is alloromanticism, not allomanticism. 

The thing that's harmful is the way society treats romance. The term for that is amatonormativity. Amato-normativity. This term was coined by Professor Elizabeth Brake in her book Minimizing Marriage. I'd highly recommend researching this topic, as there's been a lot of discussion about it both within and without the aro community over the years.

i always spell it wrong, oops! thanks for the actual spelling, i can never find it anywhere.

thanks for your topic, i'll look into it, sounds great! for my speech, im going to mostly focus on the way humans love and how that can bring issues, and amatonormativity will be a big subject! (thanks for the spelling again btw!) thanks again! :D

hi! i need to do a speech for my english class, and i've decided to do it on the harms of allomanticism! tricky topic, but i can talk about it for days! i was just wondering if any of you have any good topic points i should bring up in my speech, or any facts that would work well with my topic? honestly anything that could work that relates to my topic! 

i'll be grateful for anything, so go crazy!

(p.s happy pride month!) 

16 minutes ago, DeltaV said:

I guess "like" vs. "love" is how alloromantics belatedly communicate that this relationship is now seriously, seriously meant to be exclusive. For whatever reason most can't state it clearly and unambiguously at the right time.

the lack of communication allos seem to have baffles me

hi! i'm a bit confused, for context i've been reading a lot of romance online recently, and i've found that in allo relationships its common for there to be this 'waiting period' inbetween starting a relationship and being able to say 'i love you'. i was always under the impression that 'liking' and 'loving' someone was the same thing? also, it's considered weird if you can openly express your feelings and say 'i love you' to your partner if you haven't been with them for too long.

whats the difference between 'liking' someone and loving someone, you still do the same things, hugging, kissing etc (maybe) but suddenly having that 'i love you' changes everything and makes the relationship more official? 

why is there such a big meaning behind this word? whats so scary about saying it? i really dont understand, can anyone explain?  thanks! (^^)

hi elsie, welcome to the forum! i had the same experience, "oh i feel this way towards everyone i must be pans!", well, it was somewhat right. im also super clingy!

i hope your book goes well, sounds amazing, you have a fan here already! what kind of music do you like and what instruments do you play/ want to play?

hope you enjoy the forum! 

10 minutes ago, roboticanary said:

 

From what I gather you don't really get romance, you can't really distinguish that feeling from friendship. But that doesn't mean you don't know what love is, only that this one form of love is something you don't understand.

 

mhm, i really struggle to find the difference between what is romantic love and platonic love. i may have teared up a bit whilst reading you reply, as romantic love is something that i so desperately want to have as people seem so happy when in a romantic relationship but reading this makes me realize im not strange for not understanding it, so thank you for that. 

i'm going to try thinking about my identity in a more positive way, as so far i've only really been seeing the cons. thank you again, you made my night with your advice. 

On 5/17/2022 at 6:39 PM, AromanticAardvark said:

I assume, since you said aceSPEC and not ace? 

yeah, i originally thought i was acespec before arospec, then brushed it aside but recently it's something i've been thinking over loads, i think im aegosexual? 

thank you, this is something i've been super confused over because i dont want to want anyone upset who identify as either label and i dont want to be labelling myself as something i'm not. i'll have a look into those labels and come back! thank you again! 

edit: wow boy i think i'm panalterous thank you so much this makes so much sense (^0^)/

hi, i've recently come across the term panromantic and i've done some research on it. i've always identified as pansexual, it was the first label i found that fit me, then came gender labels, and then aromantic. but now, i'm not sure what i identify as, because gender doesn't matter to me, but if i'm pansexual then it doesn't really work because i'm pretty sure i'm acespec, because that's being sexually attracted to people regardless of gender, but i cant be panromantic because that means being romantically attracted to people regardless of gender. 

anyone know any terms that might work? i'm a bit stuck right now!  

10 hours ago, athari said:

I am indian, a minor and a violinist, violist and (electric) guitarist. i am also an artist (to some extent) though i wouldnt consider myself very good, i mostly draw for fun. i love sushi and cake but only the frosting (unless and only if it is sponge cake will i eat the actual cake) i also really like crunchy stuff.

Fandoms im in: Bojack Horseman, Heartstopper, Genshin(ex), Bandori, PJSK, Enstars, BSD, NGE, TOH, Gravity Falls, Ghibli, etc.

hi ari, nice to meet you! welcome to the site, hope we can help you!

i'm also a minor, im a pianist and aspiring bassist! i also do art, not that i'm any good either lol. i love sushi and will only eat the sponge of cakes (//^^//).

i love bojack horseman, but its so sad omg, i love heartstopper!!!! i play genshin every day (AR 57) and used to play bandori but had to delete it :(  studio ghibli is my favourite, i love Nausicca and Ponyo. 

enjoy your time on the site! hope we can be of service if needed! also, i'm happy to be friends if you want to be, maybe we can play genshin together? :D

i feel so sad and so selfish, i'm openly arospec to people who ask but im also open about lots of labels that i fit under. i've said many times i'm happily polyamorous as long as its consensual and i'm happy but it's stupid why do i bother when i know i'm arospec?? why do i have this sick voice in my head telling me that more than one person could even come close to loving me knowing im aro??

sometimes i'm completely fine with being who i am, but sometimes i'm reading something cute and romantic it hits me, i will never experience this feeling because i'm apparently too stupid and silly to differentiate this feeling from friendship. i hate it so much, with other aro folk it's fine and i love being supportive, but with myself it's so hard to love myself when i don't even know what love is. it's easy to tell other people that it's alright, but i can't do that with myself. 

i know allos, i know aros but only online, and the allos i've met would never ever even think about being with me because i'm arospec, even when i discuss how i'd be happy to, i will always be different and lonely. i know qprs exist, but i come from the UK and there are little to no aro folks here, let alone any who might want to try a qpr with me. it's so irritating, ahhh!

sorry this is a bit of a downer, i just know people on here are helpful and i'm kind of in need rn., so thank you anyone who can help me turn this around.  

it's okay not to be 100% sure on anything, as long as you think it fits you and your identity use whatever label works for you! i hope you resolve things with him (^^)

definitely put your safety and wellbeing first and avoid going into work, i'm so sorry you're in this situation, i hope you can feel safe at work soon. 

i'm offended that you didn't make a snarky sarcastic remark to that grammar police comment. 

i headcanon sucrose from genshin impact to be aromantic because of her color palette and her overall attitude and shyness. i think that she's cupioromantic!

mine is just a cute little cat i found on pinterest, i'm thinking of changing it, i've had it for a while now. 

(edit: i changed it to this spunky little music man!!)

hi! welcome to the forum!  i'm also somewhat new to being arospec, i go by he/him as well. telling your boyfriend must've been tricky, i hope it went well for you both! 

it's tricky being aro, especially when you used to experience romantic attraction because it's such a big change! what aspects of your previous relationship do you want to have again, if you are happy to talk about it? (^^) your romantic attraction may change over time, and i believe that quite a few people on here have been through the same thing, if that's comforting! 

happy to help anytime!

4 hours ago, MulticulturalFarmer said:

I am going to use that phrasing from now on. I feel a lot less isolated now seeing that the above is something reserved for romantic encounters and feeling alienated by that.

me too, it's so nice to see something that perfectly sums up something i do frequently. makes me feel so happy! (^0^)

false, i hate cheese! 

TPBM thinks cats are pretty cool

6 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I think that people are too quick to forgive and accept ça or toxic behavior because the person who did that "love them". That's not only a romantic thing, but it is more talked about there. Romantic love is supposed to be so amazing that it justifies everything. One sad example is toxic relationships...

I remember when I was discussing a ship in a tv show (Rumbelle for Once Upon a Time if you know this show) : for me their relationship was really toxic and they should have get a divorce. But someone argue about how she's been there with her husband and people should not be so quick to break up when things can still be "healed" and that the spark of love is still there... Seriously who cares if the spark of love is there when a man abused you like this !

In fact I've seen a lot of people justify people who are in the wrong because "they are in love" (things like harrassment or stalking). It was about fiction, but I'm sure that people who justify it in fiction are willing to justify it in real life as well. And that's say a lot about the messed up view that amatonormativity gives them...

yeah, i've also seen this loads!

love is something precious to allos, and just like you wouldnt let your precious friend jump into a volcano, you should keep your love under supervision and make sure you know when love gets a bit too close to this metaphorical volcano edge, which would make it abusive. with the stalking and harassment, that's not love, it's unhealthy, worrying and obsessive and should not be disguised as 'love'.

On 4/29/2022 at 2:45 AM, Guest Anonymous said:

I'm roleplaying a lesbian-aligned aromantic asexual character. I want them to eventually get a queerplatonic partner, and eventually have a family with a partner. I have a few questions about starting queerplatonic relationships and aromanticism.

• How do people start qpr's? Since the concept is not too well known, how do people do it?
• Are qpr's usually long-term or shorter?
• Are people ever in both romantic relationships and qpr's at the same time?
• As aro-specs, how do you view romantic relationships and people in romantic relationships?
• How do you think being aro-spec affects your life?

Feel free to answer one, or a few, or all of them! Thank you all :)

that sounds like good fun! i'll answer the best i can :)

1) i would say that for me, i would have to already be quite close to someone and later ask them to use this label to define our relationship, like an extended friendship!

2) i would say that it depends on the people in the qpr, its different for everyone, but i think most are long-term? 

3) i've heard of people that have romantic relationships and qprs at the same time, although i've heard of some allos who would be against their partner being in one as they think it's disloyal?

4) for me i dont understand it, i just see romantic relationships as friends who got closer and feel comfortable doing 'romantic things' (hugging, kissing etc.) i cant get my head around it, to be completely honest! 

5) being aro-spec to me means being able to feel more comfortable around friends and people i know as i'm not worried on how it could affect our relationship, as they know i dont want anything more than a friendship. it means i know my boundaries and in my experience means i understand other people's as well! 

hope this helps! keep us updated! 

9 hours ago, Angrboda said:

You sound like a great friend. So many people just get mad at us & don't try to understand. I'm sure it means a lot to him that you care so much. I think, for aros, relationships often look like a really close friendships with someone who you also sleep with. So I can see how things would still feel pretty much the same now that you've switched to being friends. It really sounds like you're doing everything right, though.

yeah! as long as you know you don't feel romantically attracted to him, and visa versa, then your relationship and how you act in it is in your hands! if you want to continue as you were, minus the romantic part, then you as the person in the relationship should go ahead, as long as you both are happy to keep it that way. 

maybe discuss boundaries you might both have, and just ask him questions, if he's happy to. there's no better way to learn about aromanticism than from an aro! 

for me i've found it to be very harmful to how people treat relationships that aren't romantic, i've discussed this topic beforehand in another section of this forum.

if you're in a romantic relationship you are expected to put that singular (or several if poly) person above everyone else, you have to make time for them and are expected to go to the ends of the earth for them, overall the relationship seems to be like walking on eggshells. this person is made to be your whole world, and nothing is allowed to be higher up than them otherwise its viewed as strange and maybe disloyalty. it makes no sense to me! it's so harmful, because to me it basically seems like isolating yourself from your other relationships because a romantic relationship must always be the top priority. 

it baffles me honestly. 

11 minutes ago, MulticulturalFarmer said:

Yeah LGBTQIA+ acronym is just for sexual and gender identities apparently :( Sigh...

lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, questioning, intersex, agender and ALLIES. nothing else :D 

for me, as a quoiromantic guy, i cant tell if its a romantic moment or platonic but…

when i was younger i was very close with a girl in my yeargroup and we hung out all the time, and i always wanted to be close with her. i felt really soft and and just nice around her, and i felt fluttery when we were physically close. it was great!

then again, i do feel that way with anyone im close to, but im sure it was romantic… probably.

i’m quoiromantic and transmasc, and i always felt really bad because i thought not loving or experiencing love only proved that being trans meant you were unloveable. now i know my identity more, i can see that i was just copying the ideas of people around me. 

being openly trans is hard enough, and then this! argh!