Arsenic

On 7/22/2021 at 12:38 AM, Sissi said:

Can someone please give me an example of situation that would've made someone think they weren't like other people in the romantic aspect?

I've never wanted to date or marry, and people around me were so surprised to hear this from me, but I just didn't (and don't) find it necessary to have a partner, it is not a primal urge.

A few days ago the girlfriend of my uncle told me that she had shown a pic of me to one guy she knows, and that this boy is "looking for a girlfriend". She said that he liked me and whether I liked him (she shown me a photo of this guy), and I felt SO disgusted that I am not able to put in on words. I wanted to cry, and to scream, and to run away from there. She also shown me a photo of his son, shirtless on a swimming pool, and she looked at me as if I were supposed to like him in a sexual way (which made my ace ass panic). After a few time of questioning whether I am aro or not, that was all the confirmation I needed. 

Why do people assume that we are attracted to others? Why do people force us to like/want things that are not made for us? Why don't they just let us be?

On 8/14/2020 at 1:49 AM, Violet Stars said:

this one is such a mood.

I love this. It took me a lot of time to know I am aroace because I didn't know romantic and sexual attraction were a real think. I thought people were just bored and they played that way:(

17 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Good luck! Did you realize this because you were researching your book character?

Naahh... I knew he was aroace even before I knew I was, I just didn't see him falling in love, or desiring to have sex with another human being. I knew the meaning of aromantic and asexual and thought that those labels fit him, but I didn't think about the possibility of myself being aroace.

17 hours ago, Ikarus said:

 

The key to what I am trying to say is this, slowly build up to the point where you finally come out. Once she hears you are aromantic it won’t seem completely out of left field. 

I am writing a book with my partner and one of the main characters is aroace, I think that I could talk about this character and in some point say that I relate to his experiences in that way... I guess it could work, thanks for the advice!

On 9/28/2021 at 2:44 AM, Guest pan_the_panther said:

"aromantic asensual nonalterous panplatonicflux neptunic-aesthetic neptunic-sexual cis male"

People usually don't know about the SAM (split attraction model), so I think that using all of those labels will just confuse people who hear them. The aromantic part is good defined, so it is a good idea to still use it. The rest of the labels mostly belong to the SAM, so I don't think it is necessary to use them if it is not required for the context. You could try to use aromantic neptunic, since you feel attracted to femme-presenting people in a sexual and aesthetic way.  

So, I recently found I am aro, but I am in a romantic relationship. I love my partner in a lot of ways but I feel no romantic attraction for her, and I don't want to hurt her for not feeling the same way she feels for me. I don't want to end up our relationship since I am not romance adverse, I still want to be with her, but sometimes it is awkward when she says romantic things because I feel nothing towards it. Sometimes it feels weird to kiss her, but I still want to give her cuddles.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her, she is very important for me and she also is my best friend, but I neither can remain silent about the way I feel. Any advice?

EVERYONE IS SUPER CUTE AESTHETICALLY.

I am aroace but I experience aesthetic attraction everyday and I LOVE it, it is like being on a museum filled with awesome art.

My type is... I DON'T KNOW, WHY IS PEOPLE SO BEAUTIFUL UUUUUUGG.

I understand you. Figuring out your gender is hard, confusing and tiring, and it can take you a lot of time.

You don't need dysphoria to be trans (binary or non binary).

A good way to figure out your gender is asking yourself how do I want to be seen in society?  If you like to be presenting feminine, and be seen as a girl, and act in a girly way, you might be a girl. If you don't care about how people see you or you don't feel related to the reality of being a woman, or you simply don't understand gender, you might be nb.

Just in case you didn't know. there are like 112 gender. The gender umbrella is bigger than we think, and reading the meaning of all those genders may be a good way to find out who you are. I say this because it also helped me finding myself. Another way is looking at memes. No jokes on it. It is a funny way to know if you relate to the experiences that some people of a determinate gender have. 

Well, to sum up. Probably I am not the first one in telling you this, but labels are supposed to make you be happy and proud. If you find a label that fits you, and that makes you happy, then go for it. If you don't find that label, then you should live your gender in a way that makes you happy, explore your gender expression and even try new pronouns if you want to. Gender never feels the same for everyone, we are all unique.

I hope I've been of help. Good luck, my friend.

10 hours ago, Ikarus said:

The cautionary note I want to add is about not seeing the relationship the same way. I just have a question, does she know you are Aromantic, or somewhere on the spectrum, and does she know what Aro means? If she knows, then she at least knows where you are coming from, and about your needs and so forth. If she doesn't know any of this then she could be mistaking your intentions for romantic ones, and would become shocked that you don't feel the same way she feels for you. 

 

She knows what does being aromantic mean, but she doesn't know that I've been questioning my identity in that way. She neither knows that I am ace, because I don't know how to come out. I am sure that she would understand the ace thing, but it is not the same for the aro one... I know that I would hurt her, and that's the last thing I want to do. I understand that at some point I should have this conversation with her, but I don't feel secure enough to talk about it right now.

Now I know I am aromantic, tysm for helping me.

16 hours ago, Ikarus said:

I have ideas...

To me it sounds like you don’t experience a whole lot of romance besides a feeling of jealousy and wanting her for yourself thing which seems to be confusing you. So the question boils down too this. Is wanting someone to stay with you, and not leave for other people a sign of romantic attraction? Sometimes, it is, I can’t really answer this for you, because these are after all your feelings. 

What I can do is explain why this feeling isn’t always a sign of romance. On some other post about Amatonormativity, some of us Aros where talking about establishing emotional roots with people. That is having emotional longevity with people, finding a secure relationship that will last for some time. While societally finding roots is often done by marriage, or with romantic partners, this need not be the case for everyone. 

It sounds to me like you want to make emotional roots with this person, and this sentiment is shared by Aromantics, and Allos alike. Now this motive (which isn’t necessarily romantic) makes you want the person you love for yourself, in a jealous type way (which also isn’t necessarily romantic). 

It makes sense to me, from an Aro’s perspective, that you don’t like the idea of her dating other people because you are afraid of losing her. For a lot of Aro people, the one’s we love often leave us for romantic expeditions because they are valued more societally. It’s not unusual from an Aro’s perspective that you fear Romantic competition. Also keep in mind I am an Apothi Aro, which means I am easily repulsed by romance. I feel uncomfortable when people act romantically, or talk about romantic things. Sometimes there are just little romantic things like saying honey, which seems to annoy you as well. I bring this up because even for somebody like me, who is Apothi, these feelings of wanting security, and fearing losing people to all the Allos, totally make sense for me, and I don’t cringe at them because they don’t appear romantic to me. I am usually very aware of things I see as romantic motives and actions, and what you described is something even I would feel, and I think of myself as very very Aro. 

Anyway, I encourage you to take what I say as coming from a certain point of view on things, and from my own biased perspective. Hopefully this will help you understand more how you feel about the jealous feeling, and all that jazz...

Also, if something I said doesn’t make sense, feel free to ask me a question...

Thats all from me...

 

 

Thanks for the answer, I didn't thought I would have a reply...

I think you are right. Well, you are 100% right, I am scared of losing her. She has always been a very important part of my life, she has helped me in everything for six whole years, I can't imagine a world in which I didn't have her in my day by day. The problem is that a few time ago I realised that I wouldn't be sad if she broke our 'romantic' relationship, as long as she stayed in my life as a friend. I just want her to be happy, and I know that she is happy with our current relationship, so I am happy too, but I don't think we both see this relationship the same way.

Does this sound like an aro feeling for you? For some time I thought that I am demiromantic, because I wouldn't be able to date someone I don't deeply know, but sometimes I feel I just date my current partner because I love her so much (not in a romantic way) that I wanna make her happy, and that's because I've known her for 1/3 of my life. I don't even know if this makes sense, it is so weird to explain:(

Well, so... I've been questioning my romantic orientation for a few time, and each time I try to understand myself I just end up feeling way more lost than at the beginning.

Some months ago I realised I am ace, and I am super happy to finally understand myself in that way, but then I started questioning other points of my identity. When I was younger I had some crushes, or at least I thought so (it came to be just aesthetic or platonic attraction). I've been in some romantic relationships (nothing serious) and when I broke with someone it just felt good, l felt free and more like myself. I've never wanted to marry, or to be in a romantic relationship with someone.

Here is where everything starts to be kinda weird.

Six years ago I met a girl, and we became super good friends. We connected, and we started to talk everyday. She was always telling me about her boyfriends and girlfriends, and I kinda felt jealous. I didn't want to date her, but I neither wanted her to date others. I wanted her to pay attention to me (yeah, I sound a bit toxic, but I am just bad at explaining myself). I thought that if she made other friends and/or met cooler people than me she would leave alone, and I didn't want to be alone anymore (long story). Well, the point is, she asked me to go out three years ago, and atm we are dating. I know she is a very important person to me, she has always been my best friend, she knows me better than anybody, better than I know myself, but after a long time thinking about it, I am not sure if I feel romantic attraction for her. I don't like kissing, but I love cuddles. I feel kinda awkward when we talk about love stuff, or when we call each other things like 'honey', 'dear', and everything like that. I know that I want her to be in my life, I need  her to be with me, as well as I know she needs me, but... I don't know. I've never felt for her the things like butterflies in the stomach, or the blushing and heart racing thing, or the thinking about her 24/7 thing.

It is so fucking hard to determinate if I feel romantic attraction when I don't even understand what it is. I know that I am on the aro spectrum, but I don't know if I am aromantic or demiromantic, or something different... Any idea?