metaphoriclee

I feel that way a quite a bit. Also yee heteronormativity is one helllll of a pain in the ass. I think for me I’m always self-conscious about how men act towards me (especially given I’m femme-presenting in my early twenties).

For me (I’m really only talking about myself here, not try to project anything onto you), hypervigilance is part of my trauma response of how men act towards me, because I’ve had so many negative interactions regarding men viewing me a certain way. 

On 9/4/2021 at 12:22 AM, Jedi said:

This is so hard to explain, but I am going to try. The role of 'girlfriend' was part of it. It was like being a girlfriend was a concept that was superimposed on me, and suddenly I was expected to have certain opinions and behave in certain ways because of that 'girlfriend' status, even though I had never been a thing before. It was subtle enough that I can barely give any examples, but it was kind of always there. I had started questioning aromaticism before starting the relationship, I was honest about it, and I was willing to give it a try. I mean, we are people who like eachother, and we can acknowledge that we are important to one another. I thought we could continue as normal with a stronger bond, but no. It was kind of like, even friends I had known for years were like "this is now someones girlfriend, and this is how girlfriends work" as a thing entirely separate from my actual personality. It was weird.

Now, that sounds like it is all stuff outside of the relationship, which wouldn't be fair to judge a relationship on. But the same thing applied inside the relationship also, to an even greater extent. While I had tried to be honest about my aromantic uncertainty, this was a romantic relationship as far as my boyfriend (it feels so weird to call him that) was concerned. He was giddy-exited, and it was clear to me that the changes to our relationship was just what seemed natural to him, but to me it felt like I had been suddenly given a role in a play to act out, but I was just trying to live my life and not trying to act in a play at all?

There were other things to, but again, hard to put a finger on, because sometimes, I didn't even admit to myself that I was uncomfortable. I mean, not much had changed technically, he knew I was ace and was fine with it, no big expectations there. We still hung out and did the same things as we did before. It's fine. Right? But I looked back at some pictures I have of us hugging, and remembered how uncomfortable I was when they were taken. And like, if I felt like that why didn't I say anything? Well, because I hadn't admitted that there was a problem yet. But what was the source of the discomfort that I didn't admit that I felt? Hard to say. The above things about having a role that just didn't fit me is what I have the words to explain.

I think I felt something similar to this! (though I’m still trying to figure out where I fall on the aro spectrum). For me it felt like the pressure of heteronormativity just went full blast for the 3 months I was in the relationship. I had short, dyed hair that I loved, but felt like I needed to grow it out and have long hair. I liked presenting masculine, but felt like I had to give the more feminine version of myself. Or sometimes he would say something romantic and I would just feel no particular way about it. I felt almost suffocated in a way? But it had nothing to do with him.

It’s not until I’m reflecting on all of this after 2.5 years of not wanting a romantic relationship, realizing how I see romantic relationships as very “optional” for the lack of a better word, and picturing a future with maybe a QPR… but not really a romantic one, am I realizing maybe I could be on the aro spectrum.