Unikitty

I am honestly getting tired of the obsession over partnered relationships. I'm even feeling this on aro websites I browse where people use QPRs as a replacement for dating. No disrespect to people who find these relationships helpful, but it sometimes seems like people push it as a way for aro to "still have legitimacy" and it kind of stings. I also feel like it helps push the mainstream societal idea of partnered relationships into having more worth and people in these are more worthwhile. Discovering I'm aro has helped me begin to unpack this idea but it kind of makes me sad how prevalent it still is. I consider myself non partnering and I'm still in the process of accepting that about myself, but this seems like a rare thing for people to be and it's a bit isolating.

Yes I do personally get really obsessed with labels, and I have to force myself to stop researching so much. I get obsessed really easily and I have to pry myself away from driving myself crazy. I don't have OCD though

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

Ooh, this is giving me flashbacks in a bad way.

I do not think the problem here is that you "don't show you care enough". I think the problem is, best case scenario, a basic incompatibility. You "don't show you care enough" (whatever that even means) for this person's specific desires. They want something that isn't you, and that doesn't even have to particularly be an aro thing (though, certainly, it could be related/intertwined). It comes down to how you each express yourselves. What you each want out of a relationship.

I'm wary when people talk about compromise. If there's things you can do that are positive for the relationship and for you, that's one thing. But in my experience, compromise only ever meant sacrifice, and after going through that, I 100% don't believe anyone should have to settle for that. If a romantic relationship is indeed what you want, then other person's needs aside, you deserve a relationship in which you are accepted and supported as is. Not one in which you're constantly made to feel like you're not enough. That's not a healthy relationship. Allos face this kind of incompatibility all the time, where romance means different things to them and they show affection in different ways and they're looking for different forms of intimacy. You are not lesser or broken or wrong because you are potentially incompatible in a romantic relationship with this person (or because you don't want romance at all).

You feel guilty because they want more physical romantic gestures. I wonder if they feel guilty for ignoring the multitudes of ways in which you show and tell them how deeply you connect with them and care about them that aren't giving them flowers or chocolates? Do either of you need to feel guilty for having different needs? No! A better question is if you can accept the other person for who they are and be happy and satisfied with that.

You would be enough for someone you were compatible with. You wouldn't constantly feel guilty and bad and like you're not doing enough.

There are lots of ways to tackle guilt, but the best way is to get to the root of the problem. Does your guilt stem from something you are actually doing to hurt someone else? Does it stem from not meeting societal expectations? Does it stem from someone else constantly putting you down and trying to fit you into a box that simply isn't you-shaped? (And the answer may be a complex amount of more than one of these.) Once you figure out that, then you can better figure out how to cope wit and lessen your guilt.

You deserve to be happy. Don't settle for a relationship that takes that away from you.

Thank you so much for the kind words! You're right and I don't want to shrink myself at all. I think I am overcompensating a bit for my little romantic attraction. I've been questioning my aromanticism for at least 3 years now youd think I'd feel less guilty... 😅 Ah well I'm trying my best. It's nothing wrong with me you're right! People are just different. I honestly don't know if I'd be in a partnered relationship if this one doesn’t work out. It's stressful tbh.

What makes it more confusing is that I do enjoy things that are commonly romantic coded like kissing and cuddling. I don't necessarily see those as something exclusive to romance.

I am affectionate in these ways too, but my partner seems to be a lot more of a hopeless romantic than I am. Like lots of grand gestures and gifts and I'm having trouble keeping up.

They have told me they don't want me to be miserable for their sake so I feel like they would be understanding. We are going to talk soon thankfully and I just hope things go okay.

Somewhat of a vent but advice is nice too.

So I am currently in a romantic relationship, because I really like this person. I feel a really strong connection with them so I thought a romantic relationship would work between us. Being aro hadn't been on my mind for a while but this is probably cause I hadn't done a traditional relationship in a while.

But fast forward to now and I keep getting told I'm not showing how much I care enough. I feel really guilty because I do care for them so much, and I tell them this. But they mean in more outward romantic gestures. We are going to talk things through soon but the guilt is eating me alive. It's not that I don't do anything but it doesn't seem to be enough. I've handmade gifts and try to plan spending time with them.

The expectations of a romantic relationship are really overwhelming to me and they do know I struggle with romance as a concept and have been questioning if I'm aro for a bit now.

A shitty ex-therapists voice is in the back of my mind whenever I think about being aro, that I am somehow limiting myself, like I'm going on a diet. But now more than ever I'm beginning to realize how helpful the term aromantic is for me now. For myself and to somewhat quickly explain that romance just isn't something I can provide now matter how I try. I just hope I don't lose them because I really do care about them.

Is there a way not to feel so overwhelmingly guilty? This isn't even something I can technically help but it's eating me alive.

1 hour ago, DeltaV said:

I find kissing outside of a sexual context weird... Cuddling itself is ok, but kissing + cuddling combined feels weird to me.

Hmm I don't really understand this to be honest. Do you mean for you personally or in general? I do think kissing can exist out of a sexual context.. ^_^''

2 hours ago, blueberrydragon said:

I think it's about intent. If you wanted to kiss them with romantic intent, or in a romantic context, it would probably be romantic attraction. Since you're a bit romance-repulsed and uncomfortable in those situations, it seems like sensual or alterous attraction to me though. Kissing does not have to be inherently romantic, but it's often labeled as such, and wanting to kiss someone doesn't make you any less aro!

I see thank you!! Do you have any resources explaining alterous attraction more? I think that may apply to me but I honestly am having trouble understanding. Is it like queerplatonic? So many terms lol. Idk if I'd use them like, publicly, but it is nice to keep in mind!

Sorry if this is a dumb question I don't really know a lot of aro people in my life. I definitely feel like I fit aromanticism but if an opportunity to kiss someone I cared about came up, I wouldn't be opposed to it. Would this fall under sensual attraction? I am very unfamiliar with terminology so bare with me ^_^'. Romance makes me very nervous and I may be repulsed but in a different context I would be okay with kissing + cuddling.

For a while I was having a hard time even calling myself aromantic because I thought did feel romantic love for people I dated. But looking back at it, it was not love at all. It was just obsession and attachment issues. I know some people say obsession can be a sign of romantic attraction, but I believe my obsession was not healthy or romantic at all. Unfortunately I would be extremely clingy and basically want to be conjoined with someone I "dated". Romance as a concept is something I struggled with a lot as well. Romance used to make me incredibly angry. My exes also weren't great which didn't help either.

I would not be a good romantic partner at all and I've accepted that. Even looking at examples of romantic love I don't think I relate a lot. I have a lot of love but it's just not romantic I guess. If I were to describe my attraction it feels like a weak signal that's just not connecting. I am just curious if anyone else has had a similar experience? Sorry this kind of turned into a ramble

I think I would like cuddling. I've only done it with pets and I think a friend or two. Sounds nice :3

i'm 21 yrs old and i've been questioning whether i am aromantic for multiple yrs now. at this point, i think i am grayromantic. a relationship would be okay for me, i like caring for people and such! i don't think i'd mind romantic sort of things even tho i am not very experienced outside of long distance relationships. but i have noticed my love doesn't seem as strong as the other person i am with. my feelings fade sort of fast a lot of the time as well. i can count on one hand the amount of people i've had a crush on. i confuse wanting company and being lonely with romantic feelings a Lot. i'm also autistic which i think at times affects my ability to notice flirting or social cues in a romantic context. i can't tell when people like me romantically, they have to tell me very directly or i'll miss it. i may not post much, just read. but i just wanted to make a little intro post! thats it! :-)