Hi! I’m a 23 year old female who is really confused about my romantic/sexual orientation. I have a pretty normal life. I have a lot of friends, a loving family, a good social life, a good job everything seems ok on the outside but on the inside I feel broken. I’ve been worrying about my romantic/sexual orientation since I was 17. It’s caused me a lot of distress over the years and I’m currently on anti-depressants with one of the main reasons being my confusion. For a while I was so distressed I completely lost my appetite and couldn’t eat for around a month. I’ve been in counselling and one of the themes that would always come up was the fact that I was scared of being alone and that I was incapable of love (romantic love that is).Ive read so many articles about sexuality and romantic orientations trying to figure out what I am and it’s all just getting a bit to much for me now.
To cut a long story short. I have never experienced a crush. From what I’ve read about it and what you feel like that’s never happened to me before. I’ve never felt the butterflies in my stomach or the heart beating faster when I’m around someone. I spoke to my doctor about this and he said not everyone feels that way but every single thing I’ve read or heard people talk about says that’s how it feels. I’ve only ‘seen/dated’ one person before. We spoke for a few weeks went on a few dates and I got on well with him but I never felt any of that. I was excited to see him but then when I wasn’t getting these feelings it made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I should be feeling these thing but I’m not? I spoke to my friends about not feeling butterflies or anything like that and they said that it takes time. I thought I liked him, I enjoyed kissing him and I was the one that initiated going further. He never once pressured me into doing anything. I should also mention I’ve never had sex before, I’ve never felt any sexual urges or that I wanted to rip someone’s clothes off or like I’m being pulled to someone like a magnet which I know sounds like I’m asexual but I want to have these feelings, I want to feel that desire for someone simply because I want to know what that feels like, to feel that for someone. I never had sex with this guy because I couldn’t, my body did not react at all. Even reading everything about Asexuality, it’s says that asexuals don’t feel attraction. This is separate from action. Asexuals bodies work the same as sexuals bodies. They’re nerve endings still work the same and the body functions in the same way. However, mines doesn’t. When he was touching me it felt like nothing. And when it felt like nothing I started to panic like why does this not feel good? Even when I’ve tried myself it still feels like nothing? Which makes me think as a human being I’m broken. Nothing has went further with this guy but I still feel guilty or that I was lying to him or wasting his time because I never felt butterflies in my stomach. I don’t know if that sounds silly or not but I do. Even though he was the one that ended it (ghosted me 40 minutes before a date). I’ve also been told that you when you have a crush on someone that you think about them constantly, which I did but I have an obsessive personality (also something I’m on anti-depressants for to try and help my obsessive thoughts) so the whole time we were talking I was obsessing over why do I not feel butterflies etc etc. Like I don’t understand how I haven’t felt anything like that before, romantic feelings are based off of hormones and a release of hormones in the brain which causes all these emotions, how could it be possible for me not to have this function? Same with sexual attraction, it goes back to caveman days and survival? I don’t understand how I can’t/haven’t felt that and other people can?
Sorry, I know this is a bit all over the place and a bit of a ramble but I don’t know who else to talk to that would maybe understand what I’m going through. I so desperately want to fall in love and be attracted to people but as of yet I’ve never felt anything like that. It makes me feel unnormal. I don’t want to be alone. A lot of aro/aces don’t mind or don’t have a desire for romantic/sexual relationships which I fully respect but it’s not the life I wanted. At this point I don’t know what to do. I’m dreading the rest of my life because if I am aro and ace then there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it and that breaks my heart. I honestly don’t see the point in being here if I am unable to feel these emotions.
I just don’t know what to do.