Zephyr

I've always been extremely touch averse, particularly with hugs, it just feels like a violation y'know? Especially since a lot of my friends are s u p e r touchy, sometimes they'll just hug me without warning and it's just a horrible experience. As for kisses, I've never really kissed anyone (maybe when I was like 5 but I don't remember that far back) but the idea makes me really anxious and uncomfortable, and while I like the concept of cuddling, I feel like it would just be really awkward and uncomfortable in practice.

Thank you! I'm still kinda undecided on what I want to label myself but you've really helped me start to work out the mess in my head, and I really appreciate that.

I'm just going to apologise in advance, because there's so much going through my head right now and I might not get it out properly. Basically I've known for a few months now that I'm asexual, but in the last few weeks I've started questioning my romantic orientation? I've just felt so disconnected from the idea of romance, and I'm not sure if that's something I want anymore, but at the same time I feel like I've felt romantic attraction in the past, so that's really confusing. Also there's been a guy who I've had a crush on for almost 2 years, and I really thought that I wanted to date him, but now that I've been thinking about it, when I think about actually going on dates/doing romantic things with him, I can't visualise it? At all? There's just nothing there. Also just in general I've always been very touch-averse for as long as I can remember, like I just hate holding hands with people, hugging people, touching people in any context (as sad as it may sound, the only person who I'm okay with hugging is my mum, everyone else is strictly off limits because no thanks), and I guess I always assumed that that would change once I got into a romantic relationship with someone? But now I'm not so sure. I've also always been kinda grossed out whenever my friends have been in relationships and have been acting all lovey-dovey around me, but I've heard that alloromantics feel that too, so I've always brushed it off, but I don't know anymore honestly. Also just in general when my friends talk about people they like I get really bored really quickly, but all of my other friends seem actually interested (up until a point, some of my friends can go very overboard with that stuff) and I don't know???? But also I'm sure that I've had crushes in the past? Like I've definitely (at least I think so) liked people in the past, but I've never actually bothered to pursue anything (except with the most recent guy, but I only told him I liked him, didn't actually ask him out for reasons unknown to all including me)? And the closest I've ever actually come to a relationship was this really weird situation in year 5 where a mutual friend of me and the guy I liked decided to try and set us up and she was basically going in between us during lunch and sort of being like a messenger and then he (supposedly) asked me out and then I said yeah but then I started freaking out and basically I downed an entire 1L bottle of juice so that I would feel sick and could go home early and then I avoided the topic for the rest of the year whenever anyone brought it up and I always sort of brushed that off as "I was 10" but at the time no one else seemed to have the same problem with being in a relationship? Also I hate talking about my crushes to people? Like whenever I like someone my friends always want details but I just really don't like talking about it? Like in an ideal world once my friends found out that I like someone we might talk about it for like 2-5 minutes and then that would be it. End of story, let's move onto a new topic of conversation. Especially I never want to gush about them like my friends always do, like they always go on about how 'great' the person is and how they just want to date them and how they're just pining and how they need to see them etc, but I don't really see why you would ever want to spend that much time talking about someone? And like I've always ended up befriending my crushes "in order to get closer to them" but then I never did anything else? Like I was just fine with that, literally the only reason I actually told my most recent crush that I liked him was because I got into a really impulsive mood and then just was like 'f*** it' and told him, but if it wasn't for that I probably still wouldn't have told him. So basically I'm in a state of confusion and I really need to know what on earth is going on, am I aro? am I somewhere on the spectrum? Am I just biromantic and being stupid? I need to know, because if I don't have an answer it'll eat me up inside and I'll probably end up having a breakdown. So what do you think I am, based on this? I'm really sorry if any of this doesn't make sense or if I've repeated anything, I've probably missed stuff out as well, but my mind is just an absolute mess at the moment and this is the best I could manage right now.