asexualpanda27

That is a really tough situation.
I honestly don’t think there’s a way to handle this that doesn’t end in at least a little hurt. An allo romantic person has a crush on me, and even though I’ve been loudly out as aro and they’ve almost always known me as aro, it still hurts them that I can’t return the same feelings. 

So though it will hurt, I think there’s merit in ripping the bandaid off and being honest in an empathetic way. Explaining what being aro means to you and what you want going forward and see if what you want is something that your partner also wants. (Such as being friends, changing the relationship to a qpr, not talking anymore, etc.)

For a long time I thought I wanted a romantic relationship. But I like being aromantic. And I like that I'm not really constrained by the limits of romance. But I still want an emotionally intimate relationship with someone. Something like a QPR. But the essence of what I want is someone to talk to about anything and to support/be supported by and to cuddle with and tease and all that. I want to hold someone's hand and know that they will choose me. 

I'm so afraid that I'll never be chosen by anyone.

And I look at all my friends and my sister and they have partners, and I wonder how long it will take before they consistently choose their partners over me. If there's a competition, there is no competition.

I just feel like I don't have many people who try to keep in contact with me, and the ones who do don't make me feel unwanted, but they don't make me feel wanted either. There's a difference between feeling wanted and not feeling unwanted, you know? I just feel untethered to anyone and anything. And while that's great freedom for some people, for me it means loneliness. It means no one understanding why I'm upset because they're doing everything they can. 

Does anyone else feel like this? Or am I alone? I feel alone.

I was 16 when I started identifying as asexual, and then I was like, "okay, time to figure out my romantic orientation" and then I had this sinking realization over the next few years that I never really had a crush. I tried, and fought it and wanted to feel romantic attraction toward someone, but just never did. So it was more of a process of acceptance for me that involved jumping from microlabel to microlabel trying to find a caveat in my aroness that would let me feel what I wanted to feel. It took a few years, but I finally accepted myself as aromantic, and I'm (mostly) very happy this way

2 hours ago, Deltalorian said:

I'd just tell them that seeing the problem is like seeing your nose; alloromantic people have just blocked it out and can't see it unless they happen to focus on it.

That's a really good metaphor! I'm gonna start using that

1 hour ago, alto said:

I find myself saying it from time to time even though I hate it.

Me too occasionally. Just goes to show how ingrained into our society it is. And the worst part is (in my opinion) that most people don't even realize what it means when they say it. They don't mean it in a diminutive way, and yet that's exactly what it means. Most people don't even recognize what they're saying or how hurtful it is every time I hear it.

I like Cynical Fairytale by Egg. It reads to me like an aro person who hasn't come to terms with being aro or even a cupioromantic struggle.

I've just been lamenting about this phenomenon. Thanks for the data! It's validating to know it's not all in my head.

This was an awesome article! 

Anyone else hate this phrase as much as I do? "Just" friends. As if friends is somehow lesser to the holy grail of romance. 

Recently, my best friend from high school met a guy that she likes. She was busy texting him when we were hanging out. She wasn't listening to me. I've never felt alone with her before, not even when we were both just on our phones sitting silently in the same room. But this time I did feel alone. Because she wasn't really present with me. 

I get it, intellectually. First crushes are fun and exciting and addicting. 

But I was just hit in the face with the reminder that when my friends all have partners, I'm "just" a friend. And sometimes it feels like that's all I'll ever be. Just. 

On 5/16/2022 at 9:14 PM, alto said:

I don't know.  I could see myself being happy with any one of my besties at this point.  :) 

In the end It’s whatever you and your friend(s) are confortable with 

On 4/29/2022 at 4:45 PM, Guest Romeo said:

I myself am not aro or ace or fall under the cupioromantic area - however I am dating a asexual and we met a person we want to add in a poly relationship but they told me they are cupioromantic - does this mean they are not able to feel love or learn to love me and my partner ? Or ? 

Cupioromantic generally means that someone wants a romantic relationship though they don’t feel romantic attraction. That doesn’t mean they can’t feel love. Love is broad. Love is not just romantic. If romance is specifically something that you want or need in a relationship, you should talk to your asexual partner about what it means to them and what they want. 

I don't think there's a certain amount of time that passes before you decide to reflect on your feelings. You're not a computer that has to do monthly system maintenance. I think reflecting on feelings is important to do when something is bothering you. If you feel off balance or ungrounded, I've found it beneficial to sit down with myself and journal my thoughts to get myself sorted out. That doesn't work for everyone, but everyone needs a way to ground themselves when feelings knock you sideways. I don't always come to a conclusion in my journaling, but that's not the point. The point is that it helps me process.

TLDR: Reflect on feelings and behaviors when you feel off balance and feel like it would help you feel grounded again.

On 4/11/2022 at 2:33 PM, roboticanary said:

If you want to, or you want to see if you can make it work then fine, you do you, i'm not you mother. But I don't think going out with someone with the attitude of being scared and only doing it to avoid breaking his heart is a sensible idea, and I would say that regardless of your aromanticism.

I think something to ask yourself is this: do you want to try something with him? Different aro people have different attitudes toward romance. Some like the idea of a romantic relationship even without the attraction, some want nothing to do with it, and many are in between.

If you don't want to, that's perfectly valid. You don't have to. And as roboticanary said, you don't have to. He will live. It will suck, but he will live.

If you do, I'd recommend not hiding your identity if you think it would be safe to come out. Whether you want to come out before or after you start dating (in this hypothetical scenario), just come out eventually. It's something that most partners would want to know, and some people don't mind that their partner is aro or arospec if they know that up front.

Of course, this is all my experience and my opinion. You do what you feel is right for you.

(I did have a similar experience in middle school. A friend clearly had a crush on me, but I didn't like him like that. I didn't know I was aro at the time, so I didn't know how to articulate myself, and I just ended up avoiding him for the rest of the school year... So maybe I'm not the best person to respond with advice. But I've learned a lot since then. That was 6 years ago.)

I think platonic flirting is super fun! But only when everyone involved knows it's a joke. I just like doing it to say "f- you" to amatonormativity, which says flirting is for ~romance~ only.

I relate. I was dating someone, and I thought I was in love with them. Maybe I was in a way (I've identified as aro/arospec since before I met them), but I definitely had attachment issues. I did what I thought I was "supposed" to: spent all my free time with them, rearranged my schedule for them, bought them presents, etc. I did whatever I thought would make them happy, and I ignored all the times they made me super sad (like when they ignored me for days or wouldn't respond when I reached out for comfort). I was obsessed with the idea that I could make it work if I just "did it right." 

We've broken up, and I feel so much freer. That was definitely not a healthy relationship, at least not at the end. But looking back, I feel like I was trying way too hard to be something I'm not. I'm out and proud of my aro identity, but in a relationship I still felt bad that I was aro even though they knew and said they didn't mind. 

On 11/17/2021 at 12:01 AM, Guest Lost and confused said:

Ok so I feel like this may describe me really well. I used to have fantasies about being in a relationship and i don’t think I’m ace, but I very well might be aro. This is so confusing for me. Recently, I was really positive I had a crush on this girl and flirted with her kinda jokingly kinda not. She ended up saying she had a crush on me too, and for the first like 48 hours it was really nice (I didn’t see her for that time when she confessed). And then we hung out once and it was really fun. And, very quickly, I started feeling really really uncomfortable whenever I was reminded that I was in a relationship or even when I would see her. In fact, I feel incredibly guilty whenever I see her because for some reason the idea/reality of being in a relationship is really uncomfortable and scary. The whole situation of me being in a relationship just feels wrong and I don’t honestly know why. However, I have been in a relationship before this (during hard lockdown quarantine so we rarely saw each other in person and when we did we just hung out as friends) and I genuinely enjoyed it. I also didn’t really feel pressured to act or do anything differently because we had already been good friends before this. Eventually I also ended the relationship, but more because life was screwing me over at that time.

I can’t tell if I am just not ready for a relationship or if I don’t want romantic relationships in general. The more I learn about the aro community the more I feel like I am a part of it, but at the same time it’s hard for me to tell if past family stuff and my resulting commitment issues are just unresolved or if I genuinely don’t feel romantic attraction. The more I think about it the more I seem to realize that I really just want the deep emotional connection like a best friend—someone you can share secrets with, and *platonically* love and always support, but I don’t want the romantic aspect. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else or if I am just rambling nonsense at this point haha. 

 

Oh and the idea of a QPR (queer platonic relationship) is very appealing to me. It seems to fit everything I would hope for. 

 

So my main question I guess is from what I have said does it seem like I am looking for a romantic relationship and am just not emotionally stable right now, am with the wrong person, or am cupioromantic/aro. If anyone has experience something similar please help me TT

I can’t tell you what you are or aren’t ready for, nor can I decide if you’re part of the aro community or not. Those are things you get to decide for yourself. What I can say is that if identifying as aropsec makes you breathe a little easier, if the aro community is helpful for you and makes you feel like you belong, if it just feels right to identify this way, do it. You can change the labels in the future if you want to. Labels aren’t permanent unless you want them to be. It’s tempting to think there’s a “right” answer for how you should identify, but there isn’t. There’s only what makes you feel happy and what feels right for yourself in the moment. 

On 7/4/2021 at 12:49 PM, Clementine said:

Hey...

So ... hum ... Well first, sorry if I make some mistakes while writing ( English isn't my birth langage ).

 

I still don't know if I can say I am cupioromantic for I only learned about this today but this conversation, like, rang a bell for me...

 

I absolutely love romance, it's my favorite type of fiction,  plus I love to help my friends with their crushs and all ! Several time I dreamt of being in the arms of someone and it felt so nice ! I really craved to finally live one of those romance and be in a happy couple... and I've tried...

 

My three only "romantic experience" were absolutely catastrophic...

All of them friends who confessed to me... which made me feel butterflies and all but with time after the breakup I noticed that those butterflies weren't because I had feelings for them but surely for my love of romance itself...

Each of them, by the moment we became a "thing" being with them felt just so ... oppressing... every physical contact felt like torture and several time made want to puke...

Every time I had to see or talk to them ( irl or not ) I just panicked so much that my stomach hurt, the tears would come as well as the irregular breathing...

I had the impression of being trapped or that I had to give them a special part of me, a special part of my attention but that I just couldn't.

Multiple times I thought that if it continued like that I would faint so I ignored the whole thing ( by fleeing them )until either me or them had the gut to breakup...

Due to that I just felt so SO horrible that I wanted to punch myself... but at the same time I felt so relieved that it was all over !

That's why I don't know ... am I like this because I just can't recognize love or is it because I am actually cupioromantic...?

Can I continue to hope that I'll get to my happy romantic couple dream or should I try to ... get over it ?

If it's not too much I would like to have your opinion...

I'm really lost...

Well thank you for having read all of this.

First, I want to say that your labels are yours to choose. If you think cupioromantic fits you and you like it, you can use it! I spent too much time trying to figure out if I fit the exact written definition when really, your labels are whatever make you feel happy. 
 

As for my opinion, it sounds like what you experienced was a panic attack. But beyond that I’m not sure I know enough to make an informed opinion or what you want an opinion on. If you want to dm me I’m more than willing to talk with you one on one! 

Thank you everyone! I really like that term as well and I think I might start using it. It just feels right for me

I was on Instagram one day, and I saw a post that included the term "lovequeer" as in "loveless and lovequeer aros." I've never heard this term, and I was wondering if anyone who has could explain it to me? It sounds like something I might relate to, but I can't find any definitions of it so I'm not sure.

22 hours ago, alto said:

thank you

I love my best friend deeply...but idk if we could ever have a relationship or if it would even be desirable.

And that's okay too! I love all my friends deeply, but I wouldn't want to have an exclusive relationship with all of them. I don't know how to explain what makes my relationship with my partner different from what I have with my other friends. Do you want a relationship with your best friend?

If you're confused about what you want or don't want, about whether it's okay to want a relationship even though you're arospec, if you're worried nothing will ever work out because you think your orientation just too complicated, here is a sign saying it is possible to for it to work out.

I went through high school questioning my aro identity because I wanted a relationship but I just didn't seem to have romantic feelings. After years of questioning, I settled on the term aroflux, but I don't really feel romantic attraction. Mostly I flux between alterous and platonic attraction for people. I wanted a relationship similar to the commitment and depth of a romantic relationship because I'd never seen anything different. A queerplatonic relationship might've been more up my alley, but I'd never seen one. I didn't know how it would work. Generally, I just felt really lonely. And sometimes I wondered who could ever love me. Someone with fluctuating emotions that aren't even romantic.

But then I came to college. And I found someone who loves me aroflux ace and all. Neither of us are really sure what we feel for each other. A lot of times our feelings aren't romantic. But we decided to give being partners a try. And they make me really happy. My feelings aren't romantic. I'm not even sure they're alterous a lot of the time. But I love them deeply in some way, and I know they love me. It's still a really new relationship, so we don't know where it's going, but I wanted to give you all a little hope. If a relationship is something you want but fear you'll never have, here is a sign that it is possible. Even if you're arospec.

I definitely relate. Sometimes I wonder if I actually want a partner or if I just want someone who cares enough about me to prioritize spending time with me. You described my feelings almost exactly. I want a relationship that means as much to the other person as it does to me. I would do almost anything for my friends, but I always feel that sinking feeling that you described when they get a significant other. Like, yes, I'm happy for them, but I always brace myself to be pushed aside. DM me if you want to talk more. I think I understand you, and I'm still learning on how to deal with the feelings myself.

I feel you. I'm extremely romance favorable, and I often long for a significant other, but part of me wonders if the only thing I crave is a deep and meaningful connection. The kind that only seems to be found in romantic relationships. I have friends that I would do absolutely anything for, and I'm lucky enough that they accept me as aroflux ace. I'm lucky that I've been able to talk about my unorthodox experience with very strong platonic feelings and how much I care for them. I hope you find that somewhere, sometime. You're not alone.

I feel sad and I feel like I shouldn't be sad. I'm basically aro. Everyone seems to say that they're happy that way and they don't want a romantic relationship, so it's no loss. So many people say that they were relieved when they found out they were aro because they'd previously felt broken. I understand that. I felt the same when when I felt I was ace. Identifying as ace makes me feel right and good. But identifying as aro doesn't make me feel good or relieved. It makes me feel incomplete. Like I'm admitting defeat. I want a romantic relationship so badly. I want to be someone's first priority, and I feel like as long as they have a significant other, I'll always take the back seat. I want someone to go on dates with and to call my girlfriend or boyfriend but without the crush and the hassle of feelings. I don't want to call them my QPP because I don't want to have to explain our entire relationship every time I introduce them to someone. I want to be exclusive with someone so I can look at them and think "Yes. That is my favorite human being and they will never leave me because someone more important called them."

I know I could have all that with a QPP or something, but I don't want to have to make up terms to fit my lack of romantic attraction. I just want to be like the majority. I don't want to be aro. I'm sorry. Being aro makes so many of you happy, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it doesn't make me happy. I don't want to be the way I am. Don't come at me with "It's just internalized amatanormativity" and "You'll get over it." I am hurting. I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not feeling like the majority of the aro community. 

What hurts the most is knowing there's nothing I can do to make this pain better. Absolutely nothing.

I am so sick of being pushed aside as a friend in favor of romantic partners. I’m afraid that’s all I’m ever going to be. I’m afraid I’ll never be someone’s first priority because friends don't ever seem to be in this society. I’m worried I’ll never be enough. 

I definitely want to get married someday, but I’m afraid I’ll never find a friend who’s willing to do that. I thought I found one and then I found out that they were joking the whole time. I was kind of joking since we’re still super young to be thinking about that, but I was hoping it would be real. And to find out that a joke was all it ever was... it hurt