Tagor

Primarily whatever is at the top in the wardrobe, and secondarily something boring as it's easiest if nobody notices you.

22

2070

For me it was basically the same as has been mentioned already. I mentally made a list of traits a partner should have and then went looking for a girl (because heteronormativity) that fit these (with the reasoning that "everybody seems to have somebody like that, and a close partner sounds good, so I better get going").

I think the shop metaphor nonmerci used is really good, as one of the main differences to "real" crushes seems to be that they're completely involuntary and not something you can actually conciously influence.

On 2/15/2021 at 4:50 PM, GhostyPeppers said:

Unrelated: are there any good aro-spec discord servers?

There's this server which is quite active (if you haven't found it yet):

There's also arodynamics, I can send you the invite link if you want it

2 hours ago, nonmerci said:

don't get it. How does 27% of people who has a crush avec 14, give you 45% of people who have a crush after 14?

I calculated the percentage of people who haven't had a crush by the age of 14 (as those are the people who are likely to ask in this forum) but eventually are going to have a crush. There are 19 (15 to 20) + 7 (20+) + 31 (no crush) = 51 people who fall into this category, 26 of which eventually have a crush. So the percentage of people having a crush is 26/51 = 45.6%

But as you said, it's a big difference if you have your first crush at 15/16 or 20, so the 19 in the 15-20 box are somewhat unreliable. This survey was just the first thing I found whilst googling for a statistic, and originally was only supposed to support the qualitative statement that there are people who have a crush after the age of 14. It was never intended for any kind of qualitative analysis, and frankly isn't really sound enough for it. If someone finds a better statistic I'll be glad to have it. (Though this poll being on AVEN has some benefits too, as it includes an "aromantic" option, most of the audience knows that not having had a crush is an option, and there are no people mistaking sexual attraction for a (romantic) crush)

2 hours ago, nonmerci said:

But we still won't give that sort of response to a gay or a straight person and I don't know what to think about the fact we always do it for aro or ace people.

I think the reason it's mainly an issue for aro and ace people is because straight and gay people have a fixed point where they can say that feelings should have developed. The moment they do have a crush/fall in love/experience sexual attraction, they can somewhat reliably say that their body has changed enough that if they experience attraction to gender x, they'll notice it now or in a short time (as I think it is reasonable to assume that there aren't specific neural processes developing for attraction to each gender completely independently). So if they know they generally experience romantic or sexual attraction, but (as far as they know) only to a specific subgroup of people, it's relatively safe to assume this wont change dramatically.

And I agree that at least some of people answering 20+likely are somewhere on the aromantic spectrum.

2015

4 hours ago, nonmerci said:

But as I like to say, it is true that we would never say to a straight person "you may be bi, and just haven't find the person of the right person of the same sex yet". Though it is the same thing as aro : defidefine by the absence of attraction (to the same sex). And some people do discover lately than they are bi and not straight. So in this logic, no one should identify as straight  without keeping in mind it could change.

I'd say that you can't rule out that you aren't biromantic (bisexual is a bit easier, as sexual attraction can be more reliably tested). Whether or not this has any results on how you behave is your own decision. (Or at least I would never say that somebody else is definitely not biromantic)

4 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Sure but if you look, more than a half had their first crush before 12, and around 3/4 before 14. So it may be plenty of allo who had their first crush after 14, but most of all there is a large majority who have their first crush before 14, and mote than an half before 12.

According to the "survey" (which can only be seen as rough guidelines, as it is neither representative nor has a particularly large number of responses), 45% do not have a crush before the age of 14, and 27% of those that do eventually have a crush have their first crush after 14. Even more interestingly, 45% of those who haven't had a crush at age 14 eventually do have one. Those odds aren't that low.

4 hours ago, nonmerci said:

And according to this poll,  there are still some people who has their first crush after 20. But I don't feel dishonest when I say I am 100% sure I am aro. Not even 99% but 100%.

For yourself, you know best if you are aromantic, and I don't say that nobody can say with 100% that they are aromantic. My response was directed at why I wouldn't answer "yes, you are aromantic" but give a more nuanced reply probably involving the age/the passage of time in some form to a post roughly saying "Hello, I'm 14 yo and have never had a crush. Am I aromantic?".

On 6/12/2020 at 8:44 AM, Queasy_Attention said:

Quote

Romantic attraction is an emotional response that results in a desire for a romantic relationship with others.

Hey I'm super new to this party but honestly-- I've toiled and hemmed and hawwed over what romantic attraction is supposed to be, since literally no one can give me a solid definition (as opposed to sexual attraction, which is pretty easily described and physically experienced) but, like, honestly? This is a pretty solid definition. I've felt a lot of things for people, and they've been really confusing feelings because they fit the standards for romantic attraction. I like people a lot, I tend to worship people if I think they're cool, I get nervous around people I like, I find people attractive and get giggly when I do, I give people I like gifts, I go out of my way to spend time with them or help them out, and I spend time alone thinking about them if I like them or think they're attractive--

And none of those feelings or impulses are the result or or result in a desire for a romantic relationship with someone. That's the bottom line, and that's helped me out a lot when trying to figure out my identity. 

I'm sorry, I know this is more of a personal comment than a constructive one in terms of pinning down a definition like the rest of yall, but I just wanted to chip in my two cents.

I feel like the problem with this definition is that it excludes everybody who is cupioromantic/romance positive aromantic. I personally am pretty sure I haven't experienced romantic attraction as defined by 

On 3/25/2019 at 2:07 PM, AroDashie said:

It is more about what your body does. Like when you kiss the person your heart beats fast and you feel all happy. You get intrusive thoughts about them. You feel happy and relaxed in their presence. When they tell you that they love you, you blush. Just looking at them elevates your heart rate.

yet (and certainly not whilst seeing/being near the person in question). But I'd still like to at least try to have a romantic relationship; I have "an emotional response [(loneliness)] that results in a desire to have a romantic relationship with others".

I think that is a problem unique to aromanticism (and in parts to asexuality). As both are defined by the absence of something which itself is incredibly vague (there's a reason one of the pinned threads in Aromantic Discussion is trying to define Romantic Attraction and not really succeeding), there often are no specific events which increase the certainty that one is aromantic. It's like trying to prove there are no black swans (or trying to prove that conservation of energy is correct): The only thing you can say is "I guess I haven't had a crush yet. This puts me into the 95/99/99.99 percentile compared to my age cohort. As it is incredibly unlikely that this is pure chance, I'm going to say I'm aromantic."

As a result, while age doesn't make aromanticism more valid, I feel like it makes it more certain. There are plenty of people who haven't had their first crush at age 12 or 14 ( https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/23561-when-did-you-have-your-first-crush/ , not the best source, but I couldn't find anything better), so the general answer to somebody young asking about aromanticism on this forum is (or at least was when I was more active) "You could be aromantic, and it's ok to call yourself aromantic even if you aren't 100% sure about it. You can always reverse it later." In my opinion, often any other answer would be dishonest.

4 hours ago, Guest Person said:

Hi! So I am 12 but I am scared I will change my mind, also I want a romantic relationship but then when people are talking about crushes I am look eww and cannot get a crush. So i am really confused and also is it from puberty?

Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If you are not aromantic, you'll find out by having a crush eventually. Just don't pressure yourself to be in a relationship too much.

(But I was enough of a nerd to not notice that "having a crush" was no longer a thing that only happened to older people until I was 14 or 15)

7 hours ago, Momo said:

If anyone wants to join the Discord, the link is already available on the forum post:

 

Ok, sorry, I didn't know there was a correct link in that thread now.

2013

5

I feel like there are a lot more posts by Guests now than there were when I joined in 2018. Has something changed or are there just more people who find this forum and don't want to make an account?

On 9/12/2020 at 10:06 PM, Neon Green Packing Peanut said:

I have a general want to talk about aromanticism, but I can't think of specifics so I kind of just read through forums

I a lot of the more active "just chatting" content has moved to the official inofficial arocalypse discord by @Zema, as forums are great for conserving searchable content and having longform discussions, but don't really work well for normal conversations. If you (or anybody else) want the invite link, just send me a private message.

3

2011

Yeah, the Posts mentioning AroPlane and teh link can still be found, for example this one (in the replies):

(A good way to find this is for example googling "site:arocalypse.com aroplane archive.org")

But it can also be found by looking at the captures of aroplane.org at the wayback machine at archive.org, resulting in this result: https://web.archive.org/web/2019*/aroplane.org

On 1/1/2021 at 1:15 PM, Queen of Spades said:

The question I have is once again out of pure curiosity. Why are romantic attraction and the desire to have children connected? More specifically, I am talking about the following scenario: Person X is alloromantic and also dreams of becoming a parent. They find someone with whom they fall in love, they get married and have one or more children together. At some point, their marriage goes downhill and they get divorced. A while after, X finds a new love and remarries. If X's desire to be a parent has already been fulfilled, (and provided their new spouse also has children of their own), why is there this strong desire for them to have children with the new spouse, too, and why do they grow to prefer the new children over the ones they have with their ex? 

I'm not allo, but in my opinion, it's because I think evolutionary, romantic love was designed to force two persons to not get on each others nerves too much long enough to get a child into an age where it is at least somewhat capable of not having to be closely monitored all the time. So if you are in a new romantic relationship and don't have a child with the other person, your brain is nagging you that something's missing. But I don't have any data to back that up.

I guess on one hand (at least in Germany), for pop songs, most people tend to not exactly listen to or process the actual lyrics of a song and thus might not even realize how much music is about romantic love.

The second reason I can think of is that for a lot of people, romantic love is inherently connected to huge amounts of dopamine released in the brain. Music does a good job of activating these memories, prompting a new release of dopamine and leading to a happy feeling.

Regarding Aro spaces in German: The only thing I found when I last searched is the (A)romantic subforum of the german AVEN (https://www.aven-forum.de/viewtopic.php?t=11886) which seems to have been created in 2015 (but this really is only a place for aro ace people).

I also just found this dutch (?) AVEN site which dates its explanation of "aromantic" to 2011 (https://du.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Aromanticus)

As always, the only one who can truly decide if you're aromantic or not is you.

Here are some thoughts on your text: Actively flirting has always been alien to me, but this might just be due to not being able to keep a conversation going even if I have something to talk about. Flirting, where I have to try to decipher additional meaning at the same time as talking just sounds really stressful and just awful to me.

However, I do relate to the part of in theory being open to a relationship if somebody with similar interests asked me. (That's why I identify as cupioromantic ).

Ultimately, to try to determine if one is aromantic, one has to try to examine the events one thinks are closest to a crush/falling in love. A "test" I like to use is to think about if it was my active choice or if it was above my control (I used to do pick somebody whose interests roughly aligned with mine and then decide I had a crush on them, for example)

But in the end, it is futile to search definitive answer to the question "Am I aromantic?", as "romantic attraction" (and thus is aromanticism) is an incredibly weakly defined phrase. Additionally, it's like trying to prove law of conservation of energy: We haven't observed an instance where it was violated, but we can't be sure there won't be such events in the future. However,  like the law of conservation of energy, this doesn't mean it is useless. One can simply adopt the label "aromantic" until proven otherwise.

(Sorry for my rambling, it's way to late where I live)

I chose monogamous in the poll as I personally don't think I have the energy to support more than one deep bond with someone else which obviously rules out multiple partners. As a heterosexual romance neutral/positive aro, my current goal is to find a monogamous romantic relationship or QPR, but if it turns out this isn't possible because it turns out I can't fulfil all the needs of my partner I guess I'll have to settle for some sort of polygamous construct.

I'd also help writing the German article. Something I think can be done now by a native French speaker is to make a dedicated "Romantic orientation" page, as this page exists in the German and English wikipedia and is currently a redirect to "sexual orientation" in the French wikipedia with romantic orientation being the last paragraph on this site