Firecrest

Haven't posted anything in a long while!

Over the last year or so, there have been some changes in my life and my outlook on it, but I won't dwell too much on that.

For one, I developed multiple deep friendships which I never even questioned if there were any romantic feelings behind them - I have none. 100%. I just love them a lot. Maybe I'm just aro and not gray at this point?
I used to think I didn't need anything more than close friendship to satisfy my needs, but that has changed unfortunately. I do want cuddles everyday, to be able to cook for someone, take care of them, chill together... and you can do that with friends, maybe even live with them! But no one guarantees they won't find a partner and I'll lose a good chunk of that. I'm not saying it's wrong, in fact, it's quite logical to make your partner your confidant and live with them. What I am saying is that it's not a very nice feeling.
I do want a committed relationship. After shaming myself and denying that I want it, I'm fully embracing it. There's just one problem. I have no idea where to even find a partner.
I can't really go out and ask people out as an aro - there's no "spark" or whatever that's going to tell me "this one is special, she's the one". I can think logically if someone is already my friend and I know they have certain qualities... but they're my friend! I don't want to risk our close friendship that took time to build if they're not up for it. I also find meeting strangers (on Tinder or Boo for example) for a specific purpose, be it romantic or platonic, very strange and uncomfortable.
So, the alternative is for someone to ask me out. And if they're fine with my love for them eventually coming from our bond and not a crush, I'd accept them. Easy enough.
Oh, how naive I was.
I found myself in a somewhat romantic situation on Valentine's day when a friend from uni gave me a gift. She's an absolutely lovely person, I like spending time with her. But the moment I got that chocolate, the alarms in my head started blaring at full volume. I felt so much anxiety it drowned out how happy I was about my first ever Valentine's gift. I realized I had been in this situation before a few times where someone would show or hint at being interested in me and I'd start freaking out. Luckily, she never expressed any wish to be with me and we're still good friends.

I have no idea what future holds for me at this point. I don't want to be alone, I need to love someone so deeply and I want to be loved in return. It's a normal human need, but when I discuss such topics with someone, I sometimes get hit with "you should love yourself" or "you need to learn to be by yourself first". I know plenty of people who hate themselves and are or were in relationships, and I've been single for my whole life, I think I know how to be by myself, thank you very much. I know it's an attempt to provide comfort, but take that garbage somewhere else.

tl;dr: I want a relationship and the deep bond, stability and intimacy that comes with it. I want to love and be loved. But I can't approach anyone by myself. And when I am approached, I get a panic attack. Confusing times.

I haven't told that many people so far that I'm on the aromantic spectrum. Not that it's a secret, it's just that I see it as a part of myself like I see my eye color or my height - I bring it up only if it's relevant to the conversation.

So far, most reactions were very positive and supportive; some a bit confused, but positive nonetheless.

I got a bit less positive one the other day: "You're an incel now?" 

Aromantics see their partners only as sex objects. I have to admit, I at one point thought aromantic meant that you just want sex without the emotional part of the relationship. There are surely some aros who do, but now I know it doesn't apply to everyone. It was part of the reason I never asked myself if I was maybe somewhere on the spectrum up until recently.

Aromantic people are cold-hearted and emotionless. I'm a big hugger, expressive and sentimental person. And I love my friends and family very very much.

"You're just making up an excuse for being single." Why would I be making an excuse for something I don't feel bad about in the first place. 

Hello everyone, I'm Firecrest! I'm a 23 year old guy who has just recently concluded he's grayromantic.

I would love to share my story how I got to this point. To be honest, the signs were always there, but I never gave it much thought.

Throughout my life I have never been in a romantic relationship. Nor was I ever really bothered about it. I always pinned it to me being a bit introverted. But so were my friends, and yet they managed to get into relationships. I could never imagine myself dating someone I just met. I also thought crushes were a rare occurance, but as I got older, I realized that is not the case when some of my friends would talk about them relatively often. "But maybe I just haven't met the right person, right? Or are my standards too high?"

Near the beginning of this year, I reconnected with a friend and over the next few months I developed the deepest emotional bond I've ever had with her. And I started to suspect I might have developed something more than just platonic love. But I could never give myself an answer; I didn't have anything to compare it to and for each argument for what I've been told is romance I could find an argument which is completely against romance.

Not mention, the more I thought about romantic relationships, the more I realized I didn't need it for what I truly wanted: emotional support, vibing, the feeling of being loved and potentially someone to live with.

One day, she told she thinks she might be aromantic. After listening to her, I told her about my situation. We talked for quite a while and I learned that there is a whole aromantic spectre. I began reading about and concluded I'm gray because:

A) Not sure where the line between platonic and romantic is

B) I needed a very deep bond to even question it

C) Lack of crushes

D) No desire for a proper relationship.

Maybe I am completely aromantic, but until I can 100% say I don't love my friend romantically, I'll identify as grayromantic.