SJB

I dont see it as wanting or needing anything just a form of attraction. 

For me its finding someone interesting. Usually a mixture of personality.  Energy . Maybe looks  etc.

I'm open to talk about if if people ask if I want to date or be in relationships again. I've been out queer for years this is a newer realization but I have no issues being open about it. 

You could be both. I get it I find most of the romance shown in real life just weird but books you get to see into someone's mind to have a type of insider's look it makes sense.

I would try to listen to my loved ones more without assuming its unhealthy though that could be your own experience clouding it.

I know people that have true friendships with people which include sex yes.

I think I am at the point that I just expect better from people and after I tell them what I am about, aro, not looking to date or have a romantic or sexual relationships and if they do not get it or believe me I will just right them off. I am done with the rest. 

Hi

I have been learning about Aromanticism for almost a year I think now. I have not been mono for years and open about being solo poly and a relationship anarchist. Quoiromantic / WTFromantic fits the best because I still do not even romance other then the basic flowers stuff which I have never had interest in and told everyone lol. In learning about aro I have much to learn and most of it is the very idea I can choose how I relate to others. I was not raised in the healthiest environment and still working through that. I am going on 40 and I really think its time to just be me. 

When I was a kid I thought everyone was bisexual but just didn't want talk it lol and I think I thought the same for aro that we had these "traditions" we did but it was just how it worked. (I know not everyone is bisexual and aro now btw ) 

I now consider it faking it but not on purpose. Now I am focusing on the healthiest way for me. I am in a non sexual time in my life but not asexual I do not think just a chosen celibate time while I heal and figure stuff out

I am taking a FB break so happy this place exists

SJ

Just now, Fynnlee said:

I am, indeed, young (still in high school).

 

Idk. I'll talk to them about it soon, I guess. I've been feeling really guilty about not talking about it, and you guys have given me a little bit of courage to maybe actually talk to them about it. So thanks for that.

Thats awesome good for you     I do think learning to treat being Aro like its a normal thing and not something to be ashamed about is really helping me find places like this and learn from others. 

29 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I'll be honest: As someone who, yes, did do this (and was miserable the whole time), I really, really don't think this is an ok thing to do. It's not right to lie to your friends, guys. Alloromantic folks expect a certain mutuality in their romantic relationships; How would you like it if one of your friends didn't actually like you, and was only faking it for convenience? You'd feel hurt and betrayed, right? So don't do that with romance.

Now, I'm not saying you can't have a romantic relationship as an aro. You can! But you need to be honest about it. Say, "Hey, I'm not romantically attracted to you, but I'm still willing to date you and do the things you'd like to do. Is that ok?"

And remember, they have the right to say no. If they do, and even if they decide to stop being friends with you, you need to accept that. It's ok. If you're looking for one relationship type, and they're looking for another, and you can't reconcile that in a way that is fair to both of you, then maybe you're just not compatible. There's nothing wrong with that, and there are plenty of other friends out there in the world- But you need to be honest. You can't keep deceiving people who believe you feel a certain way about them when you don't.

I would like to know more about this, it sounded like you knew you were lying to others not just yourself ? Did you always know you were aromantic or something like it? I am looking to learn about about this and how it felt when you realized there was another option? 

SJ

11 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I'll be honest: As someone who, yes, did do this (and was miserable the whole time), I really, really don't think this is an ok thing to do. It's not right to lie to your friends, guys. Alloromantic folks expect a certain mutuality in their romantic relationships; How would you like it if one of your friends didn't actually like you, and was only faking it for convenience? You'd feel hurt and betrayed, right? So don't do that with romance.

Now, I'm not saying you can't have a romantic relationship as an aro. You can! But you need to be honest about it. Say, "Hey, I'm not romantically attracted to you, but I'm still willing to date you and do the things you'd like to do. Is that ok?"

And remember, they have the right to say no. If they do, and even if they decide to stop being friends with you, you need to accept that. It's ok. If you're looking for one relationship type, and they're looking for another, and you can't reconcile that in a way that is fair to both of you, then maybe you're just not compatible. There's nothing wrong with that, and there are plenty of other friends out there in the world- But you need to be honest. You can't keep deceiving people who believe you feel a certain way about them when you don't.

Not sure if you are meaning my post but I did not know at the time I was doing it and now that I do I no longer do it. Its about my values which integrity means I am honest. Could you clarify who you are talking to please?

SJ

2 minutes ago, Fynnlee said:

But I hadn't actually told anyone that I was aro when I started dating them and they are really depressed right now and I'm worried that if I tell them that, you know, I don't actually like-like them, then they will feel worse about themself and then it'll be all my fault.

Others feelings are not your "fault" You sound young maybe? . In the long run honesty is best. But like I said before it will not be a honest friendship which would lesson it right?

3 minutes ago, Fynnlee said:

I don't know, I seem to be doing pretty well so far.

And I mean, I'm always very awkward, so it's not like anyone will notice much of a difference.

Oh no I mean how you feel inside not them or others. I think it would limit my friendship with the person since I could not talk about being aro etc.

3 minutes ago, Fynnlee said:

I feel this phrase sooo much.

It's like people don't realize that romance is not essential to life!

Like even in elementary school you are expected to have crushes and stuff!

We are indoctrinated early which is pretty creepy if you think about it. Disney for example. 

1 hour ago, Fynnlee said:

Oh yeah, totally. 

 

I'm faking it right now, even. A good friend of mine told me they liked me and unfortunately I would not have been able to just be friends with them, as they felt too much attraction towards me to be anything in-between not friends and dating. So we're dating. Whatever.

I didn't realize until recently that I didn't feel romantic feeling towards anyone, and I don't really care if I'm dating someone or not. I don't get anything from it, but sometimes just saying "okay, I like you back" even if its a lie is the only way to keep that friendship.

 

 

I'm sorry that sounds really hard since you know it now. You dont think it will affect the relationship eventually since you cannot be real to you?

"I guess it's just easy to fake it when you know all the things you are supposed to do."   THIS so much. I know how to do this better then aro because of all the crap we are fed as young as toddlers about romance. 

I am new here so please bare with me I can answer follow up questions just trying to figuring out how to say this

I have been learning about aromantism for about a year now. I read the definition at first and do think I fall under Quoiromantic / WTFromantic .

Whats weird to me is I think I have been faking it for years with a mixture of codependence thrown in thinking that was the romantic love people talk about. I grew up with mostly loving parents but they were pretty mentally ILL and had addictions and I learned to be  a master chameleon and change for my surroundings type human so just went with the flow and copied my partners.

Now I am in a much healthier place and can say WTF is romance anyway and it just makes me uncomfortable.

So anyone else just fake it and then realized you did not really feel it?

Edited to add:  This was the past. I now know better and so better. I did not know I was faking..I thought this was what everyone did.

Childfree by choice forever and always