Jump to content

"Emotional Cheating"???


Quinoa
 Share

Recommended Posts

This video:

Spoiler

 

 

I don't understand it. It seems to me like the "emotional cheaters" are just friends. And the comments are about how close they are, but they still seem like they could just be friends to me. How are we aros supposed to have close friends who are in their own romantic relationships if this is "emotional cheating"?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't get it either. But to be fair, I do think people put too much focus on monogamy in general, and take that to extremes. I admit that I don't really understand relationships very well (or at all, for that matter), but it seems to me (at least in this case, anyway) to be people just being overly possessive and focusing on romantic relationships as "the one true relationship" and the only valid close relationship.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cheating is when you violate an agreement with your partner. If you have agreed to be monogamous with your partner, and then you start non-sexually interacting with someone you care about, in the same way you care about your partner--then that is emotional cheating.

 

Here was the example the video was trying to illustrate--although poorly: A and B are dating. C and D are dating. A and C are romantically interested in each other, and openly express intimacy with each other, although not sexually.

 

Because we only can judge based on action, it's hard to tell how A and C felt about each other. Since no sex was involved, it seems like A and C could have had any type of non-normatively platonic interest in each other. So I agree that the video was questionable in presenting its message.

 

I believe that there's a major distinction between desire for commitment, and desire for control over your partner--although our society seems to enjoy blurring the lines. Questions I would ask to determine the distinction are:

  • Why did your partner's actions upset you?
  • What fears did your partner's behaviour trigger?
  • Are those fears related to your insecurities? 
  • Is this really about your partner, or is this about you?
  • Did you clearly communicate your needs to your partner? And vice-versa?
  • Do you and your partner simply have different expectations of each other, and of what it means to be in a relationship with each other?

Just some of my personal background/experience with emotional cheating:

Spoiler

 

These are the questions that I asked myself before confronting my ex-qpf on their cheating, which, after lots of reflection, I'm unsure to actually call cheating. My ex-qpf started becoming increasingly intimate with another friend behind my back, almost immediately after our qpf started--due to the fact that they weren't queerplatonically attracted to me and didn't want to commit to a pointless relationship. I say "behind my back" because my ex-qpf and I are roommates, and they would never come home at night, since they were always staying over at the friend's place.

 

The friend was queerplatonically invested in my ex-qpf, but my ex-qpf felt no queerplatonic attraction to their friend AT ALL. Also, the friend was completely aware that me and my ex-qpf were in a relationship, and didn't seem to be aware that the increased intimacy would've caused any problems. Neither of them bothered to communicate the discrepancy in feelings with each other, and neither of them bothered to communicate with me, until my ex-qpf invited the friend to a queerplatonic hangout without telling me anything in advance, got drunk, and hooked up with them, forcing us all to confront each other.

 

I don't even know what to call that. Unemotional cheating? Careless cheating?

 

Is it still cheating if you weren't emotionally present in the qpf and all the agreements you made were a lie?

 

Is it still cheating if you weren't emotionally invested in the person you were cheating on, either?

 

 

Ultimately, I think the most defining characteristic of cheating is feeling the need to hide the behaviour from your partner. Regardless of whether it's emotional or physical, if you're doing something that you feel uneasy about, because you think that it might hurt your partner--GO FIGURE, IT PROBABLY IS GONNA HURT YOUR PARTNER AND YOU SHOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE DOING IT. :) That's just common sense to me and I don't know why it isn't common sense to everyone else. 

 

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It seems like something that could be used for an abusor to not let their partner have very close friends, though. I guess I don't really understand it because I don't have romantic feelings for people (and I don't have QPRs either). Where is the line? How do I, as someone not in a relationship, know if someone is emotionally cheating on their partner with me (other than if I know they're not telling their partner)? Or would that not be my responsibility?

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Quinoa said:

It seems like something that could be used for an abusor to not let their partner have very close friends, though.

 

Absolutely! But just because an abuser could use it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Practically every aspect of a relationship can be used by an abuser--abusers find ways to control no matter what their partners do. 

 

4 hours ago, Quinoa said:

IWhere is the line? How do I, as someone not in a relationship, know if someone is emotionally cheating on their partner with me (other than if I know they're not telling their partner)? Or would that not be my responsibility?


That's not your responsibility. If someone is cowardly enough to try and hide the truth from you and their partner, that's all on them. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 6 months later...
On 13/03/2017 at 9:02 AM, Quinoa said:

It seems like something that could be used for an abuser to not let their partner have very close friends, 

Every bad relationship my friends have had have followed this more or less. Either isolate and destroy or isolate to put in an ivory tower. Those were focused on destroying pre-existing friendships to remove the support network, but one partner came into the relationship expecting to be my friend's new no. 1 and accused my friend of sharing too much with friends and family. 

 

Personally I dislike the term 'emotional cheating' as it them implies a state of emotional loyalty when emotions and attractions are basically involuntary, when really emotional change is just emotional growth. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...