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Mark

Wondering in anyone can relate

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Wondering if anyone can relate to my feelings and experiences.

I'm very shy, socially anxious, non-introverted.
Social situations, especially informal, casual, etc are very difficult and stressful for me to handle.

I find romance, monogamy and the concept of couple to be repulsively alien.

I like touching, stroking, kissing and cuddling.

I feel trapped in a world where the only acceptable forms of relationship appear to be romantic monogamy, which I don't want at all, and (neo) platonic friendship, which is OK in moderation. But as the only possible option seems very bland and unfulfiling.

What I've always wanted is to be part of a network type relationship structure including non platonic sensual and/or sexual friendships. This feels just as unattainable as when I was a teenager.

Also feel I have neither youth or experience to offer to even one potential partner. The only people I appear able to find in anyway similar are online and much younger than me. So I'm afraid that even if I was some how able to meet I'd just be dismissed as "too old".

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While I cannot relate to your precise situation, it has certain themes which I—and perhaps everyone on the non-normative ends of the romantic and sexual spectrums—certainly experience to some degree.  I don't think you're alone in your assessment of the world, and it may even be the case that there are even heteroromantic heterosexuals who feel the same way that you do.  I won't pretend to be able to offer you a solution to the problem, but instead ask you to remember that not everything is within our power to change; this is one of those things.  If you care, take up activism and try to guide society where you want it to go.

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I too crave forms of physical intimacy, but being an aromatic single mother over 30, lol, I don't know what to tell you. It sucks.

 

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21 hours ago, Mark said:

Social situations, especially informal, casual, etc are very difficult and stressful for me to handle.

If you weren't, it wouldn't make a difference. Because I don't think that I am shy. Public speaking and conference talks hardened me a lot, and I don't manage anything better, lol.

 

Guys don't get so emotionally close, because of socialization. Physical affection is nonexistent, because “gay”.


See, when Michael Collins was alone in the Apollo 11 CSM parked in lunar orbit and the rendezvous with the LM was successful, he still forced himself to just do a manly greeting to Buzz Aldrin and Armstrong, though he was so overjoyed that he wanted, as he said, just grab Buzz by both ears and kiss him on the forehead. Socialization is that strong.

 

And women tend to have romantic partners who are “annoyed” and they easily suspect ulterior motives *.

21 hours ago, Mark said:

The only people I appear able to find in anyway similar are online and much younger than me. So I'm afraid that even if I was some how able to meet I'd just be dismissed as "too old".

They are probably young, because it's much easier to break out of societal norms then.

 


* The insane logic of these people... Where I live, sex work is cheap and legal. Half an hour with a sex worker costs like fifty Euros (and no, I haven't used these services and please don't start a political debate...). So thinking “he really just wants sex” is ridiculous. If that was my goal, instead of “investing” hours upon hours in a woman for the extremely slight chance to get laid, surely going to a sex worker would be more efficient. But that's probably aro thinking, lol. :P:aropride:

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I can relate to the sense of frustration of being generally incompatible with most people, and being anxious in a lot of social situations (mostly with people I don't know well, or who seem intimidating). I find romance alien, I don't mind monogamy though. I like touching much like you described, just not so much kissing. I like the idea of network/community kind of friendship-relationships, though I personally am not really interested in sex. I can't really relate to the age gap issue - if someone had an issue with my age, that'd make them incompatible with me anyway. I don't like to take age into consideration for anything at all really.

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I think there are many allos who actually feel the same way you do in some ways.
I heard this story about these sort of "touching sessions" that people have started doing in California. Don't remember what they are actually called but it's these get together when people meet up and touch each other in a group. Not sexually but just as sort of a touching activity.

It's not the same as what you're looking for but it does make me feel like more people wish for certain activities outside a romantic relationship as well.
 

Did you ever try going on some sort of dating or hook up site and writing very specifically what type of relationship you're looking for?

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On 1/29/2017 at 4:32 PM, LunarSeas said:

I too crave forms of physical intimacy, but being an aromatic single mother over 30, lol, I don't know what to tell you. It sucks.

 

(Virtual hug)

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13 hours ago, Holmbo said:

I heard this story about these sort of "touching sessions" that people have started doing in California. Don't remember what they are actually called but it's these get together when people meet up and touch each other in a group. Not sexually but just as sort of a touching activity.

Could you mean this?

 

13 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Did you ever try going on some sort of dating or hook up site and writing very specifically what type of relationship you're looking for?

I've tried these kind of things.
Finding them to be rather useless.
Very few responses at all. Most of those being incomprehensible or obviously spam.
Also not reading profiles appears to be quite common :(

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I can relate to some of what you're saying. I'm anxiously socially disconnected, I generally don't mind touch and affection but when it's done in a romantic way I feel repulsed, trapped and an overwhelming guilt. I understand the idea that monogamous romantic relationships are not appealing at all but there has to be something more than being strictly platonic friends. I actually found something close to this once; I became best friends and friends with benefits with this guy and I was so happy we both agreed so strongly on no romance. I loved him a lot in a non romantic way and we took care of each other, spent a lot of time together, talked like best friends, had sex. Later I found out the reason he never pushed the romantic side was because he was cheating on someone else with me and the whole thing crashed and burned. He was a bit broken and made bad decisions but it was pretty damn great while it lasted. 

 

Seeing as I fell into this by accident and the strange circumstances, I'm not sure if I'll ever find anything like it again and I don't mind that. The idea of a network of sexual friendships is something I can get behind. It's hard to predict the future, but I hope you find what you're looking for x

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I'm a pretty social person, so I can't necessarily relate to some of what you're saying, but I often feel hopeless about finding a relationship that can be more than a traditional platonic relationship, without becoming romantic. It seems incredibly difficult to find people that would be on the same page as you with that and also in your age range. It seems like whenever I feel as if I'm close to finding someone who I could interact with on that level, they develop a romantic crush or relationship and I realize they weren't actually looking for the same things I was. It can feel really isolating and lonely. On the other hand, though, I have also been lucky enough to find a group of friends who accepts me and is willing to learn about and respect my aromanticism. I'm not sure how you could find this in your own life, but maybe check out LGBT support groups/organizations/spaces? I find most people in the community are more open to learning about different orientations and different types of relationships and they can also provide a good place to meet people. I really hope you're able to find the companionship that you're looking for! Best of luck!

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Does a QP version of polyamory sound like it would appeal to you?

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