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Holmbo

To "come out"

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9 hours ago, Josie said:

I've tried to "come out" to my mum (more as in like i told her that I don't think I am capable of romantic attraction) but that didn't go very well. She just asked me if i was gay lol. 

 

Aromanticism is not an easy thing to try and "explain", IME. You're a) trying to articulate that you don't experience something - but since you don't experience said thing, you're not really sure what that thing you don't experience even is and thus how to clearly describe the absence of it! And b) most people haven't spent much time thinking about what "romantic" actually means and may be confused by your even attempting to define or question it.

 

Well, that's my experience. And when I push people to give me a "definition" of "romantic" they typically can't. As in, they still think it's definitely a thing - and moreover a thing that they experience - but they can't clearly atriculate what it actually IS. I guess that makes sense if it's a purely experiential thing. Like how you probably couldn't describe the experience of seeing colours to a blind person. Although you could give an abstract definition of colour in terms of different wavelengths of light perceived by your eyes and brain as the phenomena of colour; but romantic people can't seen to manage even this much when it comes to romance :P But probably they just haven't ever been pushed to think about it seriously and could offer something similar if they were?

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On 2017-06-10 at 9:12 AM, jenny_any_dots said:

@Holmbo have you talked to your parents yet? I'm in almost the exact same situation with my parents. Once the conversation is going it might be fine, but I have no idea how to start it because they never ask me about relationships. Anyone got some good lines to break the ice on this one?


No I haven't done it yet. It's on my to do list :D
I guess I'll just bring it up out of the blue.

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Good luck to everyone who are thinking about coming out!

 

I don't think I'll be coming out to anyone unless they ask me about it. Like if my dad wanted to know if I was a lesbian or something, I would say that I'm asexual and not interested in relationships. Not sure he'd take me seriously but whatever, I think the older I get the more "believable" my aro-aceness becomes, lol.

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I've come out to pretty much everyone. It didn't get as big of a reaction on facebook as I did with telling them I'm ace. Facebook is where most of my friends and family keep in contact with me. I think many people don't understand it. At least, they seem to be learning through some of the stuff I post. 

 

I think one of the worst reactions was when I came out as aro ace last Thanksgiving. We were at a couple's place, who have been friends of the family for years. They're pretty much family now. Anyways, it was after most people had left, except for the hosts, my parent (she knew beforehand), me, and this older lady who's set in her ways. The hosts were cool with it (even thought the idea made sense), and wanted to learn more. That lady kept saying things like: "You'll change your mind some day." "You just haven't found the right man." "It's just a phase." When I got into talking about how I wanted to be in a qpr, she didn't quite get it. She said: "Isn't that just friendship?" "You want a companion, you can get a dog." It was weird. The hosts and my parent were sticking up for me, but it was difficult.

 

Coming out as agender was even more out there for some people. I only came out with that about a month or two ago. Again, most people just want to learn about it. Hopefully, people who are thinking about coming out will have positive outcomes.

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On 2017-06-10 at 9:12 AM, jenny_any_dots said:

@Holmbo have you talked to your parents yet? I'm in almost the exact same situation with my parents. Once the conversation is going it might be fine, but I have no idea how to start it because they never ask me about relationships. Anyone got some good lines to break the ice on this one?


Now I have talked to my mom. A year from when I first thought of it. :D It's just hard to find my family members in quiet situations without having to make a very big deal about it. But yesterday my mom and I had a quick lunch together and I asked her if she knew about the term aromantic and then explained what it was and that I was it. She actually made a much bigger deal about it than I expected (sorry to say to you others who are considering it). Yesterday she didn't have much to say but today she had thought a bit and came to me to talk about it. She told me that she had tried to read about the term online but not found anything and she was doubting that this was really something that exists and maybe I was just reserved and didn't want to let someone in. I didn't take this so hard though because I know that she, like myself, always wants to make up her mind quickly about things but is not hesitant to change it and doesn't mind if someone else thinks different than her.

 

She also wanted to understand better too and asked me questions about it. I gave her my standard example (which I seem to use for everyone that doubt the idea of aromantic) that if someone is hetero how do they know that they just haven't met the right person of the same gender yet? Also I assured her that I wasn't putting myself in some box and that I would always just do what felt right for me.

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It sucks when people aren’t supportive. Some are, but sometimes for the wrong reasons.

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I just came out to two of my best friends who where both really cool about it and encouraged me to come out to my parents so I talked with my mom today, but it was really difficult. She didn’t know the term aromantic and just dismissed it completely. She’s normally really tolerant and open but that didn’t even seem like an option to her. She just told me that I needed to be more open and just hadn’t found the right guy yet... 

I’m quite hurt by it because I don’t feel bad about being aro, that’s just who I am, but she acted like it was ruining my life and that life without romantic relationships wasn’t really worth living. I get that she’s just worried that I end up lonely and unhappy but it’s making it really difficult for me and I don’t know how to explain to her that that’s just the way I am and that it doesn’t make me unhappy, forcing myself to be in a relationship makes me unhappy...

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22 minutes ago, Lia said:

she acted like it was ruining my life and that life without romantic relationships wasn’t really worth living

I would call that lack of imagination...or should I say too much imagination? She imagines you as a fundamentally different person experiencing relationships the exact same way she idealises relationships (the lack of imagination part). I guess lots of stuff can influence how parents perceive us coming out.....but now that she knows the word she can do her own research if she wants to and you should just stay firm if she tries setting you up with anyone, but I guess much of this all depends on your two different personalities and what sort of bond you have. 

Personally I really like the explanation here http://www.arocalypse.com/forums/topic/1154-mustard-pickles-or-trying-to-explain-to-alloromantic-friend-why-romantic-behavior-is-confusing/ but you might find something you like better somewhere else in the forums. 

 

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Good luck! I hope it goes/went well! I don’t think I will really come out to many more people then the one friend who knows. I feel like some of my friends would call me attention seeking and think I am just trying to be special and unique or something. I feel like it would disappoint my parents abit. Not because I am not straight but because they would think it means they will never have grandchildren. I don’t feel bad about not coming out I just feel like coming out wouldn’t do me much good.

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8 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

Personally I really like the explanation here

That’s genius!

 

3 hours ago, Ali Da Fish said:

I don’t feel bad about not coming out I just feel like coming out wouldn’t do me much good.

I totally get it. I don’t think I would have come out to my parents and only to a few of my friends if I hadn’t been breaking up with my boyfriend (because I couldn’t realize I’m aro before getting together with him when now it seems so obvious to me -.-‘) and didn’t want to lie about why it didn’t work out. 

Just do what feels right to you :)

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